How about a joke thread?

[bbq_duck]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,
after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[84porsche]

The Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and a son were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, "Ooh, Dad, there's one."
"No," said the father, "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really overweight man.
The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," said the father, "We'll all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About and hour later, this absolutely gorgeous woman walks by.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father, "We will not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because we are going to take her back alive and eat your mother!"

[oldE]

"My wife is losing her hearing", the old guy confessed to his doctor,"but she won't admit it. She says its me"
"Tell you what" advised his doc. "This afternoon when you get home. Enter the house quietly. When your are inside , say at the front door, speak to her in a normal tone of voice. If she can't hear, half the distance to her and repeat what you said. If she still can't hear, move closer and try again. If she can't hear, tell her what you've done, and ask her to come & see me. We'll get her some help."
So around 5:, he quietly enters the front door, and, seeing his beloved wife of 40 years at the kitchen counter, with her back to him, preparing supper, he says,"What's for supper Dear?" There is no response.
With a touch of sadness, he walks half way down the hall and repeats the question."What's for supper, Dear?" still no response.
Determined to give her one more try, he steps into the kitchen and asks"What's for supper Dear?" At this point, she slams a spoon on the counter and snaps:"For the THIRD time you deaf old fool: MEATLOAF!"
Les

[Teutonics]

These may be old but.....

NEVER SAY TO A COP:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[djmcmath]

A wealthy man grows tired of his toys one day and decides to go purchase something really exotic -- a grizzly bear. Now he'd been warned about the violent tendencies that these bears have been known to exhibit in the wild, so he made sure to voice his concern to the ecstatic salesman (if you were selling a grizzly, you'd be ecstatic, too).

The salesman assured him that the bear in question was as peaceful as a lamb. "Just don't ever touch his nose, whatever you do," cautioned the salesman.

Several months went by, and in fact, the bear was as peaceful as a lamb. He was also smarter than any dog, and rapidly learned not only to fetch the paper and slippers, but could fry eggs and make passable coffee. The grizzly got along great with the wait-staff, and played well with children.

But somewhere in the back of the new owner's mind, he kept wondering about the whole "nose" thing. One day, his curiousity got the better of him. The grizzly was sleeping quietly in front of the fire, gently snoring -- a true picture of peace and tranquility. The owner softly snuck up, reached out, and touched the bear lightly on the nose.

In the flash of an instant, the bear was up on his hind legs roaring, apparently very angry. The owner, in terror, fled through the house, chased at every turn by the suddenly-no-longer-docile pet. Teeth bared, massive paws throwing furniture across the room, wait-stuff running from the path of this vicious killer ... and finally, the bear cornered his owner. Saliva dripped from his growling maw, and his neatly sharpened claws clicked on the fancy marble floor. The owner huddled in the corner, regretting his horrible mistake and wondering if this was really the end...

Then the bear reached out a massive paw, touched him on the nose, and said "Tag. You're it."

[Bill Douglas]

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of
them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting
to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one
boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a
Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a
Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What
if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make
you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

[Isabo]

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter left on the bed With trembling hands and a terrible premonition she reads in horror:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice! I love all his piercings, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not just that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. Also, I've learned that marihuana doesn't! hurt anyone and
we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are already giving us all the other drugs we want so it's the least we can do in return.

In the meantime, we pray for science to find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better - he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love Always - Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted
to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!

[Icemaster]

Michael Jackson spotting in the San Bernardino Wal-Mart -

He heard they had boys pants half-off.

[oldE]

Isabo!
Don't do that to me! My daughter will be 15 this summer.
The old heart can't take that stuff.
Les

[Isabo]

My daughter is 24.
You may be in for some interesting times in the next ten years.

[oldE]

Every woman wants her son to meet a girl just like she was.
Every man is scared to death his daughter will meet a guy like he was.
My wife says most fathers survive their daughters' teenage years. All of my friends and relations have made it through. I can do this.

OK Joke thread:
A fellow answers his door shortly after returning from one of the worst rounds of golf ever.
The police officer on his doorstep asks" Sir, were you teeing off from the thirteenth hole of the Forest Links club at about 2:15 this afternoon?"
The fellow affirms he was.
"Well Sir'" continues the officer,"your shot sliced off the fareway into the path of a club member's car. He swerved to avoid the ball, placing his vehicle directly into the path of a bus load of Nuns who were coming to play the course. The driver of the car is in critical condition in City hospital and several of the nuns suffered broken bones and other injuries."
"Oh my God!" wails the distraught duffer. "What can I do?"
"Well," says the cop' "you might want to try adjusting your grip. I always have trouble on that hole too."
Les

[oldE]

After an amazing upset in the wrestling match between the Gouger and Johnny Do-Good, the TV guy from the big network is interviewing the new champion.
"What would you say was the secret of your amazing victory over the Gouger in tonight's match, Johnny? Just before the end, your opponent looked like he was in control, but we heard a mighty scream and you reversed the situation and pinned for the win. Tell us about that."
"Well Mr. Williams," the boy replies, "I knew the Gouger was full of bad tricks. But my daddy always said to fight a fair fight. I had a chance to knee him in the groin early on, but didn't an' he bit me on the ear. I could'a bit him on the ear too, when he had my arm twisted around the wrong way, but even though I was in some trouble, Daddy always said to fight fair. I guess it was when he had me down, darn near pinned, and I was tied up like a pretzel and I thought, 'Daddy, I've fought a fair fight, but the other guy didn't. I'm gonna try things his way.' Just then, I opened my eyes and saw these b*lls hanging right in front of my face and I bit 'em. Yessir I bit 'em hard. Ya know, you just don't know your own strength 'till you've bit yerself in the b*alls!"
Les

[Isabo]

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE
1. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
2. "You Were an Accident"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
5. "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
6. "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
7. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
8. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
9. "All Dogs Go to Hell"
10."The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
11."When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
12. "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
13. "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
15. "Bi-Curious George"
16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
17. "Where's Waldo - The Bail Bondsman's Handy Field Guide"
18. "You Are Different and That's Bad"
19. "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
20. "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
21. "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets"
22. "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
23. "The Tickling Babysitter"
24. "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
25. "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
26. "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
27. "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
28. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
29. "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
30. "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
31. "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
32. "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear

[djmcmath]

Isabo, I haven't laughed so hard since I can't remember when. That's absolutely awesome!! Thanks, I desperately needed that.


Dan

[ronin]

o.k. so some of them were kind of ho hum, but these literally left me in pain

Originally posted by Isabo
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

14. "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
15. "Bi-Curious George"
16. "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

31. "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
32. "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear

btw: the letter to mom was good too. I would love it if my daughter were to pull one like that on me. we have a very close relationship and are always looking for practical jokes to pull on each other

[Isabo]

I can't take any credit for them as they're all bits that I was sent, as I found them funny I thought others would too.
I'm close to my daughter and the letter is exactly the sort of gag she would pull, often with my husband as acomplice to aid credibility

[elwood-914]

Subject: A Teacher asked......


A teacher asked her class.

"What Do You want Out of Life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four animals would that be sugar?""

The little girls said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

[RoninLB]

A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you
would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten
one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive-and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family inSouth Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[serge944]

Originally posted by elwood-914
Subject: A Teacher asked......


A teacher asked her class.

"What Do You want Out of Life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four animals would that be sugar?""

The little girls said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

Speak of the devil...an aunt of mine told me something similar when i was 4 years old. She just happened to leave off the last 2 parts

[Icemaster]

Guy walks into a bar and sees a $1000.00 bill in a frame hanging behind the bar. Guy asks the bartender,

"What's the deal with the grand?"

Bartender answers, "The first person who comes in here, drinks three shots, then completes three highly difficult tasks in succession gets it."

"OK, I'll bite. What do I have to do besides drink the shots?"

"First, go over there and knock out the bouncer, and you have to use your fists - no weapons. Second, go down to the basement and pull a tooth from the alligator living down there. Third, go upstairs and service the skanky, 75 year old, scab ridden hooker. Then you get the thousand bucks."

"Ok, lets do it. Line up the drinks."

Bartender sets up the rounds, the guy downs them, stands up screws up his courage and walks over to the bouncer and goes three rounds with the bouncer, finally gets in a lucky shot and lays him out.

Picks himself up, shakes himself off, opens the hatch in the floor and walks downstairs. After 5 minutes of the most horrible crashing, growling, and screaming, theres a couple of minutes of silence and then the man staggers up through hatch in the floor. Looks at the bartender and sez,

"OK, now where's the lady who needs the tooth pulled?