How about a joke thread?

[pwd72s]

Subject: Let's go fishing


At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the r river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down.."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown."

[LeRoux Strydom]

Three guys sitting in a pub start to compare their jobs and cars after having a few drinks together.

The austronaut says: "I drive a Saturn."

The pimp says: "I drive a cheap Escourt."

The proctologist says: "I drive a brown Probe."

[cashflyer]

[cashflyer]

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such
a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."
---------------

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
----------

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
-------------

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
----------------

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
-----------

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
-----------------

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet"
----------

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

[Isabo]

A man on a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted 'Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The woman below replied 'You are in a hot air balloon floating approximately 30ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the woman. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.'
The woman below answered, 'You must be in management.'
'I am,' answered the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a huge quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position as you were before we met, but somehow it's my fault!'


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[75Carrera]

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied :
"Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same
man approached the White House and Said to the same Marine, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton". The Marine again
told the man :
"Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and
doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same
man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine,
saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said : "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak
to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton
is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you
fine, I just love Hearing your answer!" The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"See you Tomorrow."

[imcarthur]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:


8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite
thing!

11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:


Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt
me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly
on fresh meat,while the other inmates and myself are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly
clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me
going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust
them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what
I am capable of. However, t hey merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little
hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. However, I could hear the
noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his
feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow
-- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be
more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly . I am certain
that he reports my every move. The captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe..... for now

[cashflyer]

Top 10 Common Activities That Sound Sexy but Aren't.

10- Touching all the bases
9- Getting a facial
8- Going for a 30-minute lube job
7- Ordering the pork
6- Glazing the donut
5- Getting a little behind in your work
4- Buffing the hardwood
3- Boning the ham
2- Blowing off your boss
1- Stiffing the waitress.


***

1 pickup line of all time:

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you ?"

***

"As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying 'Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his patients', but another voice kept reminding me, 'Howard, you're a veterinarian'."

***

With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill that would shrink vaginas instead.

***

Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something like that ?

[Evans, Marv]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside
Washington, DC. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man
knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse
Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100
million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline
and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a
collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

[teenerted1]

Talking Dog





A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, She had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****. "



S O M E T I M E S
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you cry...
>>
>> no one sees your tears.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you are in pain...
>>
>> no one sees your hurt.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you are worried..
>>
>> no one sees your stress.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sometimes...
>>
>> when you are happy..
>>
>> no one sees your smile .
>>
>>
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> ---
>>
>> But FART!! just ONE time...
>>
>>
>>
>> And everybody knows!!
>> Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching
>>stories!

[teenerted1]

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know
>what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
>
> The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues,
>"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
>and you say something with Butt." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he
>wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
>Cheerios."
>
> WHACK! She smacks him in the mouth and he flies out of his chair,
>tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
>and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
>slapping his rear with every step. ; His Mom locks him in his room and
>shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a
>stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat Butt it won't be
>Cheerios!!"
>

[cashflyer]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Corvette.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Corvette, and he managed to grab hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear suspension of the farmer's Vette, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the Corvette back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Corvette To Pick Up Chicks "

[kach22i]

Florida State University* Cannibalism Club
http://www.hotliquor.com/fsucc/index.html

You have to read the reasons list.

[serge944]

From an actual physics test at my university. Tsk tsk.

[cashflyer]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in death.

[kach22i]

Funny but true..........................................

Acronym Definition
CRAP Canadian Reform Alliance Party (now Canadian Reform Conservative Alliance)
CRAP Carrying Resentments Against People (12 step recovery)
CRAP Cheap Redundant Assorted Products
CRAP Citizens Raging Against Phones (Grand Theft Auto 3)
CRAP Citizens Revolt Against Poop
CRAP Cloudy Reporting Accounting Principles
CRAP Computerized Response Audience Poll
CRAP Consumer Research and Planning
CRAP Content Restriction and Punishment (aka Digital Rights Management; coined by Richard Stallman)
CRAP Content Restriction Annulment and Protection (aka Digital Rights Management; coined by David Berlind)
CRAP Contrast, Repetition, Alignment, and Proximity (design principles)
CRAP County Rural Addressing Project
CRAP Courts, Roads, Avenues, and Places (mnemonic for East-West Streets in Miami)
CRAP Coventry Residents Against Phish

[Christien]

The first one is definitely true (though I believe it stood for the Conservative Reform Alliance Party). When the tories and reforms merged a few years ago, that was the acronym they chose. Needless to say, the media had a field day, and rightfully so! The party name was changed quite quickly.

[Rob Channell]

True acronym stories...

Several years ago a friend at the Cape turned in a drawing for some adapter cables to be used on one of the shuttle flights. The configuration management fellow called to find out what name to use for the cable group. Rick said "Call it a Flight Utility Cable Kit". The guy called back in 15 minutes to tell him he had to rename it.

We used to occasionally put unusual acronyms in our documents' acronym lists for fun and to see if anyone ever read them (I doubt anyone did). One of my favorites was FPF Furlongs Per Fortnight.

[kach22i]

Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

[teenerted1]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he
finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender an artful massage for several long moments and
asked,

"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"