How about a joke thread?

[Racerbvd]

Marine and the Iraqi Terrorist

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing, liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[75Carrera]

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.


As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,

"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off
its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"$hit," said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the senior center.

[cstreit]

Once upon a time, and far, far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous
breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death
should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon
Slayer to more than just satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000
gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after
she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to
the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed
the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva
of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then
slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he
quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left
satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the
Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000
gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared
less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter
to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick
the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story:

Pay your bills.

[cstreit]

Bubba and Billy Bob

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won first place, which was a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won sixth prize, which was a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, 'Great! I love spaghetti!'
Billy Bob asked Bubba, 'How 'bout you? How's the toilet brush? 'Not so good,' replied Bubba. 'I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper.'

[911Rob]

Sorry if this is a repost? I haven't read all 773 previous posts in this thread!!!

Funny and Clean; you'll love it...........

An old farmer owned a farm with a large pond in the back, fixed up nice
– picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The
pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to look over the pond, as
he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

[cstreit]

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.
As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he
would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned. Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh...'bout.50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e . y-o-u . g-o-i-n-g . t-o . n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e . H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[RANDY P]

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and sa ys so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope *****-slapped her..

[kach22i]

Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?



She saw "911" on the back, and thought it was a Porsche.

[75Carrera]

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALLl

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this
past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat **** in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel
with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also,I now have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .............

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me
to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of
a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the
car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at5:00pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beauticians relative once removed.

By the way....a South American scientist after a
lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have
infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the
mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

[WI wide body]

Young gal got a job in a hardware store. Really didn't know much. Manager told her to do the best she could. She smiled.

Later a guy comes and is looking at the rasps and files. She says "Can I help you." He says "I dunno....let me look at that flat bastard file." She grits her teeth and tells him to get out of the store immediately.

The manager hears the fuss and goes over and asks her what happened. she tells him the story and he says "Oh my God...he wasn't being nasty...files have lots of different names to indicate the various styles and a bastard file is one of them." Well she is totally distrought and apologizes and says it will never happen again.

Couple days later in walks a big black dude. He's a pretty cool cat and he ambles over to the file cabinet. She springs right over and asks if she could assist him. He says "Nah, I just wants to check out the files...not sure what's I wants." So she picks up a flat one and says "Well...how about the this flat bastard?"

And he says "Nah, but let me see that round mutha****er over there."

[imcarthur]

Drinks Show Your Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this. Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

THE RESULTS:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink : Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink : Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE

THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

[imcarthur]

Eating Tips for the Holidays.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert -- Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember: 'Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO-HOO what a ride!'

Happy Holidays!

[imcarthur]

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, Go ahead.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records

Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teeth brush)

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ?' and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Redneck law was just recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down? 'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'

[Racerbvd]

THE ALAMO


This is for all you history buffs.

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose
from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the
observation post along the west wall of this fort. William B. Travis and
Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These
three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are
we having some landscaping done today?"

[David]

My wife and I were awakened at 3:00 am this morning by a loud pounding on the door. I got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," I said, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" I slammed
the door and went to bed.

"Who was that?" my wife asked.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," I said.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," she said. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



I did as I was told, got dressed, and went out into the
pounding rain. I called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?"

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[75Carrera]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry
store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at
his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special
ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought
out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something
more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated,
"by check. I know you need to make sure my check is
good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you
about my weekend

[Racerbvd]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World

[RANDY P]

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[k9handler]

Two guys are sitting at a bar talking about life expieriences, when all of a sudden....

Guy 1 - Do you remember your first blow job?
Guy 2 - With a big smile on his face answers, sure do!
Guy 1 - How long did it take for him to cum?

[RANDY P]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again. '

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my golf clubs?'

HUSBAND: ' No, she's left-handed. '

WIFE: -- silence --