How about a joke thread?

[teenerted1]

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hillary said, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane." The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."

[pwd72s]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She
tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! .

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on
the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kind'a figured we was friends."

[75Carrera]

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over
a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying
in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *********?" he asked.


"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

[imcarthur]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"

[75Carrera]

To my older friends on a tight budget..



An older couple has an appointment with a doctor.

The doctor asks them “What is the nature of you problem?”

The man replies, “Sex, and we would like for you to watch us and see what you think about it”.

They disrobe, get on the exam table and commence to have sex.

After they are finished they get dressed and the doctor says” I still don’t see a problem”.

The man answers, “There is more than one problem. We are married, but not to each other. Our spouses would be upset if they knew but you have a patient- doctor relationship which keeps this safe. A motel would cost about $60.00 and we are both retired so that is a lot of money. Our Medicare co-pay is only $5.00 for a doctor visit
....and we kinda like it when you watch.

[imcarthur]

NEW WORDS FOR 2007 :

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

[75Carrera]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in
the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, Complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.





"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[pwd72s]

Subject: Fw: Police Comments



These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[imcarthur]

WHY IT'S CAN BE IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH

When I got back from Toronto last month I had a bunch of
Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency
exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in
front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little irritated!

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two
huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[75Carrera]

Real Life can be very entertaining...

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Iams for Jerry and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby (again, duh) so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Iams Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with Iams nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so... I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no..... (choking so as not to laugh) I'd been sitting in the street
licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door. I think the woman was delightfully humiliated...


You don't want to know what I'd say to anyone questioning the handicap card when I'm parking the Porsche!

[Saintly]

75, that was priceless... i'll have to remember that for the next time someone asks me the same question (happens a lot).

[75Carrera]

Originally posted by Saintly
75, that was priceless... i'll have to remember that for the next time someone asks me the same question (happens a lot).

Thank you, Your Worship...

[Craig 930 RS]

http://www.city-data.com/forum/health-wellness/25452-new-diet-holidays.html

[pwd72s]

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful
flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes m e out for dinner...
a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much
I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[Craig 930 RS]

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
_________________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER
KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
__________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_______________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J Kevorkian
__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
___________________________________

[75Carrera]

DUI - TENNESSEE STYLE
Only a person in TENNESSEE could think of this!
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris,
Tennessee. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He
sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a
fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited
patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police
station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." I doubt it," said
the truly proud Hillbilly.

"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[teenerted1]

Redneck Pick-Up Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

[imcarthur]

Edited - pic removed. -Z-man.

[imcarthur]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the Couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law."

[pwd72s]

HER FIRST PAY CHECK


Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN
make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young
family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.


Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit
with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother
who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take
the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The
little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the
house next door to us."


"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those *******s at Home Depot ever
deliver the godamn sheet rock..."