How about a joke thread?

[Joe Bob]

[GH85Carrera]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down .

[GH85Carrera]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his train seat and closed his eyes.

A young woman sat down next to him, and, as the train rolled out of the station, pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train." "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss." "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life." "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. The man sitting next to her had now had enough.
He leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, get off the damn phone and come back to bed."

[Don Ro]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
Out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
.

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
Out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
.

Wow, Deja Vu

[Outback Porsche]

The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off
I'll take it up the arse”.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

[Don Ro]

I don't get it, Jeff.
Maybe it's too simple for me?

[Outback Porsche]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

I don't get it, Jeff.
Maybe it's too simple for me?

Your pulling my leg yeah?

“If you turn the bedside lamp off
I'll take it (the lamp) up the arse”.

[lane912]

never explain your joke unless it's with the next joke-- rule 73

[GH85Carrera]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.


He asked his wife Mary
if she would go to Home Depot
and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager
to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught a beautiful
bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished,
Mary asked him,
"How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied,
"That's a gold plated faucet
and the price is $5000
Mary exclaimed,
"My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe
the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy.
The manager said that he had them
in stock and went into the storeroom
to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?!"
Mary paused for a moment.....
and then shouted back,
"No, but I will for the faucet.."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

[Outback Porsche]

Originally Posted by lane912

never explain your joke unless it's with the next joke-- rule 73

There's rules?





Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “Fcukin hang about” !!!!

[lane912]

yes there rules to comedy-

what, you think this is jazz?

[GH85Carrera]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in las vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.





This is done by the chip monks.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by Outback Porsche

Your pulling my leg yeah?

“If you turn the bedside lamp off
I'll take it (the lamp) up the arse”.

Geezus H. What the hell is wrong w/me?
I get it........now.
Now it's funny...thanks for the assistance.

[Saintly]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

Geezus H. What the hell is wrong w/me?
I get it........now.
Now it's funny...thanks for the assistance.

that reminds me of a time i had to explain a joke to a friend of mine..
i think it was andrew dice leary (too lazy to go verify the spelling) and he was doing nursery rhymes..

it was...

little boy blew...

... he needed the money.

my friend was sitting there saying, ok.. he's blue?? now what??

[sammyg2]

Clay.

[Don Ro]

Andrew Dice Clay, Saintly.

[Joe Bob]

Jack and Jill went up the hill......

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Jack and Jill went up the hill......

If you finish that you will go to bad island.

[Joe Bob]

And yer point is?