How about a joke thread?

[Saintly]

both with a buck and a quarter?

[Joe Bob]

Jill came down wit 10 bucks.....

[strupgolf]

A old man in the nursing home called the nurse to come to his room. She arrived and he said " my private part has died". The nurse, knowing his mental state said to him, its ok, dont worry. The next day the same thing happened. The third day the nurse was called to the main dining room by some other guests and the same old mane was standing there with his "private part"hanging out. The nurse asked him what he was doing and he said my private part had died, and today was the viewing.

[GH85Carrera]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[GH85Carrera]

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, maybe you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

[GH85Carrera]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

[dafischer]

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?.....

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Coffee Candid Camera - just watch the expressions on the guys' faces change



Cheers
JB

[drew1]

With less than 3 years to the presidential election, Hillary was easing into campaign mode. She gave a nice talk at an elementary school about the US Government & how she would make a great President. After finishing, she asked if there were any questions.

A little boy raised his hand. Hillary asked , "What is your name and what is you question?"

"My name is Billy and my question is why did those Americans die in Benzai?"

Hillary replied, "Billy, that was so sweet, but it isn't important now and the answer would be long. So let's us take a recess so everybody can go to the restroom."

Twenty minutes later, the kids were back and Hillary asked, Any questions?"

A little girl raised her hand and said, "My name is Mary and I have two questions. Why did those Americans die at Benzai and where is Billy?"

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. ~ Timothy Jones
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb
*****
The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan (Comedian UK)
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're aconqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars But I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ W.H. Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante)
*****
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn
*****
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. (Anonymous).

Have a Happy Autumnal Equinox - September 22, 2013 at 4:44 P.M EDT

Cheers
JB

[Don Ro]

Coffee Candid Camera
.
Good one, JB

[cboosh]

3 vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender says "Can I help you?"

Vampire #1 says "I'd like a cup of warm blood please."

Bartender says no problem, and retrieves the blood.

Vampire #2 says "I'd like a cup of warm blood please"

Bartender also retrieves his blood.

Vampire #3 says "I'd like a cup of hot water."

Bartender retrieves the water, and asks, "Why, when you are clearly a vampire like the others did you not order blood like the others?"

Vampire #3 responds, "Well I'm going to make tea, and takes a used tampon out of his pocket..."

[GH85Carrera]

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action) to jump....

She stopped her car, rolled down the window, and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart ...just go ahead and jump you little Yankee POS!''

[rcooled]

A man walked out to the street and immediately caught a taxi that was going by. He jumped into the cab and said, "Perfect timing… just like Andrew!"

Cabbie: "Who?"

Passenger: "Andrew Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like you coming along just when I needed a cab…things like that happened to Andrew Sullivan all the time."

Cabbie: "Well, a dark cloud can loom over anybody from time to time."

Passenger: "Not Andrew Sullivan! He was a terrific athlete. He could’ve won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star…and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Cabbie: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Passenger: "That’s not all! He had a memory like a computer and could remember everybody's birthday. He knew what wine to order with any food and which fork to eat it with. He could fix anything. Not like me…I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But that Andrew Sullivan…he always did everything right."

Cabbie: "Wow…some guy then."

Passenger: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck. He really knew how to treat a woman too, and would always make her feel special. He would never answer her back…even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was immaculate and he always looked like a million bucks. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andrew Sullivan."

Cabbie: "An amazing fellow…how did you meet him?"

Passenger: "Well, I never actually met Andrew. He died. I'm married to his widow."

[grendiers]

"My name is Billy and my question is why did those Americans die in Benzai?"

Cheap shot joke (totally fact-checked Faux News, et al, bs btw) , at least get yer 'spelin' correct~!

[Amail]

Originally Posted by grendiers

"My name is Billy and my question is why did those Americans die in Benzai?"

Cheap shot joke (totally fact-checked Faux News, et al, bs btw) , at least get yer 'spelin' correct~!

It's a joke, son. Don't read too much into it.

[BE911SC]

A man asks a woman if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She thinks about it for a second and then she says yes, she would. The man then says, "Would you sleep with me for fifty bucks?" The woman explodes and says, "Hey, I'm not a prostitute!" The man says, "Well, we've already proven otherwise and now we're merely haggling over the price."

[GH85Carrera]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

[tharbert]

Q: What's the last think that goes through a fly's mind as he hits your windshield at 60 miles an hour?

A: His ass.

[GH85Carrera]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."