How about a joke thread?

[craigster59]

2 women are walking their dogs on a saturday afternoon, 1 with a doberman and 1 with a chihuahua. The woman with the doberman says "You want to get a drink at the bar over there?" The woman with the chihuahua says "They won't let us in, we have our dogs." Watch this" says the woman with the doberman as she puts on a pair of dark glasses. The bouncer stops her at the door and says "no pets allowed." "You don't understand" says the woman "this is a guide dog." "I've never seen a doberman guide dog" says the bouncer. "They've just started using them" says the woman. "Alright, go ahead" replies the bouncer. The woman with the chihuahua sees this and thinks she might have a tougher time but decides to give it a shot. She dons her dark glasses and walks up to the bouncer who stops her and says "no pets allowed." "But this is a guide dog" she replies. "I've never seen a chihuahua guide dog" says the bouncer. The woman replies "chihuahua,.. they gave me a f*cking chihuahua?"

[pmajka]

Mike Tyson's Phone numer

to un fi - fee fi fo - fee fi fo fo

[dhoward]

There was this man, on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.




Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[pwd72s]

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house

together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the

other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the

bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll

come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.

"Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old

is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening

to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I

sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she

knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She

then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as

soon as I see who's at the door."

[pmajka]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON.........you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON........ you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

[pwd72s]

A FIREMAN

came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.











"From now on when I say BELL 1,
I want you to strip naked.
When say BELL 2,
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3,
we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled,
"BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.



When he yelled "BELL 2!"
, the wife jumped into bed
. When he yelled "BELL 3!"
, they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled

BELL 4

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?



"MORE HOSE,"

she replied,

"you're

NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

[Evans, Marv]

Along the same lines as the one above.


A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[pmajka]

those 2 are classics.....

[pwd72s]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehen d her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[cashflyer]

Forgive the capital letters... I cut and pasted from an email:



A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING.

WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.

I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON! "

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO
THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B., " SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

[cashflyer]

This is transcribed from an Air Force training video on the topic of missile guidance. The actual sound track is here.

The missile knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation. The guidance subsystem uses deviations to generate corrective commands to drive the missile from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, and arriving at a position where it wasn't, it now is.

Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position that it wasn't, and it follows that the position that it was, is now the position that it isn't.

In the event that the position that it is in is not the position that it wasn't, the system has acquired a variation, the variation being the difference between where the missile is, and where it wasn't. If variation is considered to be a significant factor, it too may be corrected by the GEA. However, the missile must also know where it was.

The missile guidance computer scenario works as follows. Because a variation has modified some of the information the missile has obtained, it is not sure just where it is. However, it is sure where it isn't, within reason, and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it wasn't, or vice-versa, and by differentiating this from the algebraic sum of where it shouldn't be, and where it was, it is able to obtain the deviation and its variation, which is called error.

[Craig 930 RS]

Who is on first.

[EdT82SC]

Somebody needs to get out a bit more, and have conversations with people instead of with his computer.

[StevoRocket]

Somebody needs to get out a bit more, and have conversations with people instead of with his computer.
EdT82SC
Where's that wrench?

Registered: Jun 2003
Location: Irvine, CA
Posts: 1027 !!!!!!!!

[EdT82SC]

Originally posted by StevoRocket
Somebody needs to get out a bit more, and have conversations with people instead of with his computer.
EdT82SC
Where's that wrench?

Registered: Jun 2003
Location: Irvine, CA
Posts: 1027 !!!!!!!!

Hey, I've been a Pelican Head for over 3 years. It's not like I have over 10K posts or anything.... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[StevoRocket]

Just kidding!

[cashflyer]

I think that the analysis is incorrect. It seems to me that the missile cannot know where it is by knowing where it isn't... it can only calculate where it is by knowing where it isn't. From that calculation, it can also calculate where it was, and where it should be. Of critical importance, therefore, is always making sure your missile knows exactly where it isn't.

[cashflyer]

I met with a friend for drinks the other evening. At one point he says to me, "I bet when you took your wedding vows that you didn't realize the 'til death do we part thing was not a promise... It's really more of a goal than a promise."

It tied in nicely with a program I watched on television last night. The wife asked the huband, "What will happen to you after I die?" To which he replied, "With any luck, I'll be acquitted!"

[OnTheRun2]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

[imcarthur]

"BEST D*MN DIVORCE LETTER EVER WRITTEN"

Dear Connie:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. " I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at 'Hooters' and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.

And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing tequila Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out your little sister Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is.

Your Loving Ex-husband,

Dan

(Sorry mods if this goes too far)