How about a joke thread?

[imcarthur]

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer, and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

[kach22i]

http://www.gla.ac.uk/departments/philosophy/Personnel/susan/Webpages0506/JadeBrian/Huxley.html

[teenerted1]

Could be coincidence... or an urban legend... but then again...

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known
incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force
and the US government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick
Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

[scottmandue]

[teenerted1]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge
black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, 7 feet
tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle,
Turner Brown.

The white guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy say's "what's wrong with you?"

In a week voice the little guy guy says, "what exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says, " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350
pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name
is Turner Brown.

The small guy says, "Turner Brown! . sweet jesus, I thought you said "TURN
AROUND"

[craigster59]

[75Carrera]

An Arizona DPS officer stops a speeding Missipppi trucker.
The patrolman asked the driver, "do you know what you were doin, sir?"
To which the driver said "Bout what?"

[johndglynn]

I just found this thread - damn you all with your 32 pages of jokes, I should have been in bed an hour and a half ago!

A mouse runs into a music shop and hops up onto the counter.
"Excuse me" comes the high pitched little voice.
"Yes?" says the shopkeeper.
"Have you got any mouth organs?" squeaks the mouse.
"30 years I've had this shop and never seen a mouse" says the guy, "but you're the second mouse in here today. And the other one was looking for a mouth organ too".
"Oh" says the mouse, "that must have been Our Monica".

[LeRoux Strydom]

Originally posted by teenerted1

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick
Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

What will come out of this, then?

[charlesbahn]

Sorry if this is a repeat.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman:Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of the vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem Sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of the car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.

The woman digs into handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[75Carrera]

A lawyer runs a stop sign in his new Carrera GT and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston, Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" asks the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."



"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving */#!% out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[LeRoux Strydom]

rescued from page 3.......


Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat’s milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he’s a martyr."

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don’t they?"

[imcarthur]

Doctor John had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

"John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering...... John........ John........ you're a Vet.....

[Craig 930 RS]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

[75Carrera]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us, too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high!"

[Tim Walsh]

It's always tough to fire someone. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like **** this morning."

[75Carrera]

Statement from befuddled husband...

While I was watching some baseball, my wife and I got into a
conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids
from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

[kach22i]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Triumph Spitfire when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the sports car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $539,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...





"Try doing it with the engine running."

[imcarthur]

Aging is tough!

An old man goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
"What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!

[cashflyer]

funny read from a Z board...
http://www.300zxclub.com/showthread.php?t=98234



Roping a Deer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of months, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them.

I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull.

They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened?"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not
mention that at the time I had a rope on it.

The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.

EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth) For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here.

I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk". I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer."