How about a joke thread?

[pwd72s]

Poor Old Spot

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!

[pmajka]

repost request.

the men v women filling up gas in car?

[Craig 930 RS]

Ancient song/joke:
http://jflores.com/jokes/chowmein.htm

[Craig 930 RS]

> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
> over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
> and I can't figure out how to get it started."
>
> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
> it's finished?"
>
> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
> it's a tiger."
>
> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
> puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
> the puzzle spread all over the table.
>
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
> box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
> matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
> assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
> tiger."
>
> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
> relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He
> sighed...
>
> "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

[imcarthur]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little *****, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding

[imcarthur]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself i n the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[porsche930dude]

Bush Stamps
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honor his first-term achievements.

In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:


1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

[porsche930dude]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[75Carrera]

An actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent
to his Senator (Not too sure just how funny this really is!)



The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510



Dear Senator Harkin,


As a native Iowan and excellent customer of Internal Revenue Service, I am
writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security

in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an
illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need
to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of
the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get
the process started before everyone figures it out.



Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes
every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that can I apply to be illegal
retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family
because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.



Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency
room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.



Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would
receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as
well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States
for my son.



Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of
renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.



If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be
most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.


Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

[GO DAWG GO]

A farmer hauling a load of pigs in a stake bed truck was driving up the 5 freeway in LA. The farmer hit a bump in the lousy road and a pig fell out of the truck and rolled harmlessly into the center divider.

Two Pollocks driving a 930 Porsche saw the calamity and stopped in the center of the freeway. Grabbed the pig and took off up the freeway at a high rate of speed.
Hauling Pork butt the Pollock's were pulled over by then CHP. The highway patrolman walked up to the Porsche and says “Why are you to fellas going so fast”?
The pollock driver says “Officer you see this pig in the back seat, It fell out of that pig truck way up the road and we were just trying to catch the owner to give the pig back”
The Officer said “Well I can appreciate that but the speed limit in LA is 65 MPH”
The Pollock says “Well officer, how are we to catch the farmer”? CHP Officer “Well I guess your not” Pollock says “Then what are we going to do with this pig”? CHP officer realizes they’re near Griffith Park and says “Take him over to the LA Zoo”

Two weeks pass………

The CHP officer is cruising the 91 Freeway near Beach Blvd and notices the 930 Porsche and sees that there is a pig in the back seat…Out of curiosity he pulls the Porsche over and walks up noticing the same pollocks and the pig. The CHP officer says” I thought I told you to take that pig to the Zoo”! The pollocks says “Officers we did, we did, and had so much fun we thought we would take him to Disneyland today”

[75Carrera]

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, that feels soooo good, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

[rcecale]

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't l et worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs..
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Randy

[cashflyer]

True story (not by me...):

Last night I got stuck pulling an all-nighter and I decide to go to the kangaroo mart at 4 am because I'm running out of cigarettes

So I'm at the counter purchasing my supplies and this scruffy looking guy with a mullet working the counter just looks at me and says

"do you autocross?" *insert slow southern accent*

After standing there for a second because I'm tired as hell and he caught me by surprise with his question I tell him I do

he said he could tell by the stickers on my car

before I can get out another word this guy starts telling me how he use to autocross in virginia back in the 80's

when i ask him what car he raced he said a 95 ford probe (I wasn't going to hate, you race what you got yah know)

says he raced in a stock class for awhile and then some guy sponsored him and just started throwing money into his car

so he starts telling me how some guy (unnamed) put Porsche twin turbos in his probe and that the car was putting down 450 whp

****before I go on I should say that by this time this dude is standing at the register, I've already paid and am at the door waiting for him to stop talking. Meanwhile there is a line of about 4-5 people waiting a the counter.

starts telling me how the car was so great because it was front wheel drive so it never mattered what was going on with the rear wheels and that he could turn a 90 degree corner at 52 mph and the car just stuck.

He then goes on to talk about how his sponsor told him he had to win 250 bucks a race (don't know how one wins money autocrossing) because his front airdam was so big and the car was so low he would rip it off every race, and this dude would replace it

***** Now people at the counter are looking PISSED

says this car was his daily driver and that the dude who built this porsche turbo powered v6 ford probe wouldn't even let him look at the motor.... How you may ask? Because the builder apparently fabricated a plate that covered the whole engine bay....

oh and this is the best part, when he is telling me about the porsche turbo set up he looks me square in the eyes and says

"do you know how many custom parts he had to make to get the turbo system on?" *slightly hush and very serious tone*

..... moment of silence....

"eleven"

I almost burst out laughing but managed to keep my confused composure. the dude just keeps talking and finally he looks down to scan someones items and I say I got to go and duck out with a quickness

I was standing there for 20 minutes.... just listening to this guy tell me about this porsche probe monstrosity he had...

there were some other funny things he said too but I can't really recall

oh yeah he said "his sponsor" put 37 grand into this car including a 7g paint job...

ok thanks for all those that read this whole post. I just had to share the story because I left that store in shock and none of my non-car guy friends truely appreciated this story

you know there is a part of me that wanted to believe him..... but come on a porsche twin turbo fwd ford probe :lol:

ok i have to go back to studying, but if anyone sees a 35 year old greasy dude with a mullet in the kangaroo.... ask him about autocrossing

[Taz's Master]

I believe it. I mean you'd need a twin turbo Porsche engine to get a '95 Ford Probe going fast enough to go back in time to race in the mid 80's.

[75Carrera]

Hey Taz,
You've got that right "TAZ"

Here's my twin turbo Taz-manian quad that I raced at Sebring years ago... well, okay, maybe not. LOL

[StevoRocket]

Now back to the topic.......


THREESOME

A guy pulled a woman at a night club.

She was a right looker for 47.

They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if he'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

He said no.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night.

He went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs..

"Mum ---- you still awake?"

[dentist90]

Lawyer Joke:

Two farmers are fighting over a cow. Both claim it's theirs. One farmer is pulling on the horns, the other is pulling on the tail. On and on it goes. In the meantime their respective lawyers are under the cow, milking it!

[rcecale]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I schit myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

Randy

[teenerted1]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to
the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
"who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me
of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your
daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach
house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and
$2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,


"You **** her again."

[imcarthur]

I think this might be arepeat but who cares . . .

The Skinny Dippers & The Old Man

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end & one of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast.