How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other one is my girlfriend."

The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world!"

[GH85Carrera]

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.

Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Might be a re-post.....

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Northern Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly, "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled onto the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeeper looked over and said, "Oy mate! We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.

"The Reverend looked up at the landlord and stammered, "But sir, you don't understand...I'm Pastor Fluff.

"The barkeeper said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

Cheers
JB

[GH85Carrera]

Blond men jokes:

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No," he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
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A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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(This one actually makes sense...sort of...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

[Tobra]

Originally Posted by Amail

It's a joke, son. Don't read too much into it.

He is a liberal troll, he reads too much into everything.

[Racerbvd]

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

[GH85Carrera]

My new neighbor is a smoking HOT 20 something chick.

She's single...

She lives right across the road.

I can see her place from my deck.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,

"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"

She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

[Laneco]

Originally Posted by Racerbvd

I realize this is a hard left in the middle of a very good joke thread, but I did not know that motorcycles had inner tubes. Do all of them use tubes?

angela

[Joe Bob]

Old ones like old Porsche Fuchs do.....

[LJ851]

Originally Posted by Laneco

I realize this is a hard left in the middle of a very good joke thread, but I did not know that motorcycles had inner tubes. Do all of them use tubes?

angela

Generally, the only recent motorcycles to use inner tubes are the ones with spoke wheels. The air would leak around the spoke nipples otherwise.

[HHI944]

Originally Posted by LJ851

nipples

fify

[2porscheguy]

A guy fairy tale!



Once upon a time, a handsome Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "No!"

And he lived happily ever after!!!....and rode motorcycles, and owned 2 Porsches and drove them alot, and was thinking about buying a third one, and went hunting and fishing with his buddies whenever he wanted to, and he went golfing and drank Scotch and beer, and dated women half his age, and had lots of sex, and had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted!

THE END!

[GH85Carrera]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for Inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, You could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

[GH85Carrera]

A son asked his mother the following question:

Mom, why are wedding dresses white? The mother looks at her son and replies:

Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

Dad why are wedding dresses white?

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: Son, almost all good household appliances come in white.

[Saintly]

This morning I was beaten up by a woman...I was in an elevator when this busty woman got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards.

[crustychief]

A Marine Gunny and a Navy Chief were on WESTPAC together and sitting in a bar in Subic Bay, Philippines one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Gunny says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the Chief replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine.......

'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The Chief responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine Gunny then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The Navy Chief, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the Gunny comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion......With a flourish of finality he says......

'The Marine invented sex!'

The Chief replies.........

'That is true, but it was the Navy who introduced it to women!

[BE911SC]

Just read this one in Esquire:

So a guy hears a knock on his door, opens it, and there's a snail sitting there. The guy grabs the snail and throws it as far as he can down the street. Three months later, the guy hears another knock, opens the door, and the snail says, "What the f *ck?"

[GH85Carrera]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

[Hawkeye's-911T]

I think this maybe a reprise of another joke......
You think if you have lived to be 80 plus, you know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Cheers
JB

[GH85Carrera]

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “you’ve really got to get hearing aids. You’re supposed to turn your clock back.”