How about a joke thread?

[pwd72s]

I'll follow with a lame one...

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen fly to Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

After landing, they meet a Martian couple and start talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc..

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin with their own partners and go their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good for you?"

"I hate to tell you this," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about for you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[craigster59]

A woman, after several failed relationships, decides to put a "singles" ad in the paper. She states in the ad that she's looking for an honest man who won't beat her, walk out on her and is "good in bed". A few days later the doorbell rings and she opens the door to find a guy w/ no arms or legs on the porch. "I'm here to answer your ad" he says. She looks at him skeptically and says "Well, you have no arms so you can't beat me and you have no legs, so you can't walk out on me. But are you any good in bed?" He says "Hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"

[pwd72s]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[imcarthur]

Probably more than most, I just hate people who forward too many warnings, but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do NOT do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked! I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

[imcarthur]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurahns, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first?"

[David]

From Autoweek:

Quote of the Week

"Does that mean the sixth row will start four abreast?"

-IRL driver Brian Herta, during the drivers meeting prior to the Kentucky Speedway race, where Danica Patrick and Sarah Fisher started 11th and 12th.

[pwd72s]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a
Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and
it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right
says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a
Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want
another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've
learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

[pwd72s]

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Lituracy Ain't Everythang

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Smaller

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ... And Our Voting Skills

Georgia: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well, Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's, And Our Senators Are
More Corrupt

Michigan: First Line of Defense - From the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and
Honest Elections

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an
Attorney, and No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, But No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender
Yet

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum

Texas: Se Hable Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Too Liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Our Governor Can Out-fraud Your Governor

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... And the Sheep Are Scared

The District of Columbia: The Work-Free Drug Plan

[mattdavis11]

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES.

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

[pwd72s]

SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUND

The new Supermarket near our house has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens
cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the
pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of
fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[john70t]

-Guy in a very small town knows his wife is cheating on him, so he goes to the well known infamous goon named Archibald Keister and asks him if he'll do the job.
-The goon say's "yeah, I know the other guy too and I've been meaning to off him one of these days. I'm gonna wrap my hands around their scrawny necks. Tell you what I'll do it for free, no, a dollar. Where can I find them?"
-"They meet every morning at the supermarket. Can you get them there? Right there?"
-"Sure".

So Archibald kills 'em both and gets caught by the sherrif outside with a news crew nearby.

The next day the local headlines read: "Arti chokes two for a dollar at Kroggers".

[Leader]

The British are now feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
bombings and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 - when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been officially re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a
"Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it had raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated
by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing." Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides."

The Germans, wishing to stay in lock-step with their neighbors, have
also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to
"dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher alert levels:
"invade a neighbour" and "lose."

[Hendog]

I hope I'm not duplicating what may already have been posted, but here you go

The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

[pwd72s]

Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, " G ood choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, G eorge! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, " G ood idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Six
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHIN G you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[pwd72s]

Old Jewish Catskill Comics


You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of
Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons,
Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and
others? Don't you miss their humor? Not one single
swear word in their comedy.
...................

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel
room door all night!
I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,
"Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be
reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent
our wedding night,
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was
only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

I was just in London- there is a 6-hour time
difference. I'm still confused.
When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I
feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him
another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your
check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till
payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's
working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want
to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know
what kind of work he's out of.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why
Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is
due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when
life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fêtus is not
considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess
horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite
position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are
you?"
The mother answered. "Not too good. "I've been very
weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten
in 38 days?"
"Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if
you should call"

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his
mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part
is it?
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his
wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't
want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to
kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish
mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in
three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a
Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

[imcarthur]

A woman was walking along a deserted beach one day when she saw an old
bottle. She picked it up and while she was rubbing the sand off, smoke
arose from it and a genie appeared. I'm a one wish genie. So...what'll it
be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and
I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It
will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of
years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.
I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it
can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is
great in bed, and gets along with my family.
Doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish
for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map."

[imcarthur]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. Spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

[KevinP73]

Bad Humor
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:



40-ish......................49.

Adventurous.............Slept with everyone.

Athletic....................No breasts.

Average looking.........Moooo.

Beautiful....................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure.....On medication.

Feminist.....................Fat.

Free spirit...................Junkie.

Friendship first.............Former slut.

New-Age.....................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned...............No BJs.

Open-minded................Desperate.

Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional...................*****.

Voluptuous.....................Very Fat.

Large frame....................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate............Stalker

[imcarthur]

Joe, quite the show-off, left special instructions and a special fund with $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My Goodness, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."

[imcarthur]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

“I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES," said the blonde. "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."