How about a joke thread?

[MJHanna]

scibe

[pwd72s]

Subject: The Snoring Dog


The Snoring Dog
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did but, by God, we took FIRST and SECOND place. . . ".

[pwd72s]

Subject: The grip is everything


The grip is everything
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet. "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

[75Carrera]

A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits Down. The owner,,
walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring
me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and Order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table And hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and
tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened. The blind man eats and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.
Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After
another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take
the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and thinks that the Next time the blind man comes in
he's going to test him.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Gladys, Rub this fork on your panties."

Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks
in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork
ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I
didn't know Gladys worked here!

[EdT82SC]

A husband and wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," he sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Racerbvd]

A Perfect Day
June 22nd, 2007
AskMen.com Rates This Joke: 9/10

Perfect Day for a Woman

08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
08:30 Weigh 5 lb. lighter than yesterday.
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, gay personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lb.
13:00 Shopping with friends, buy myself something special.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
20:00 Surprised with a piece of jewelry as a token of love.
21:30 Hot shower. Alone.
22:00 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man

06:00 Alarm.
06:15 Bl*wj*b.
06:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
07:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
07:30 Limo arrives.
07:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
09:45 Play front nine, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Bl*wj*b.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Playmate of your choice.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 0z. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

[rcecale]

I wonder if this one was about Wayne?

At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years–say, a Porsche?"

The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."

Randy

[pwd72s]

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a ****?




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Axeman]

What's the worst thing you can say to a husband who complains that his wife is frigid?

"no she isn't!"

[imcarthur]

A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher baptizing folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips and falls down before the holy man.

Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes, I am!" replies the drunk, out of his skull.

And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments later, he drags the boozer back up:

"Brother, have you found Jesus?" asks the preacher.

"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"

Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again:

"Rid your soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"

Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"

At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time.

A full minute later, he pulls him out:

"For the love of God," shouts the preacher, "tell me you've found Jesus!"

Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher:

"You sure this is where he fell in?"

[imcarthur]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."

... And you thought it was an alligator joke.

[Racerbvd]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, He
looked up and said,' Grandma, how come you don't have a Boyfriend now
that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs , trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door.
There stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello, son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yep , she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'
The minister fainted

[Rodsrsr]

If this has already been told sorry, but I'm not going to read 35 pages to find out so here goes: Blonde woman says to her friend. I'm having a hard time selling my car because its got so many miles on it, over 200,000. Her friend replies. No problem just take it to my mechanic and he will set the odometer back to only 50,000. The blonde woman says great! A few weeks go by and the two run into each other again. The friend asks; so, did you ever sell that car? The blonde says, are you kidding why would I sell it, that things only got 50,000 mile on it.

[pwd72s]

Subject: Italian's New Shoes .



Paolo Piaia walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each
day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli
leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.

After 2 months he saves $300 to buy them.

Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the
Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather
shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear
red panties tonight" ?

"Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know"?

Paolo replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them"?

Next he asks Rosato dance, and after a few minutes he says to her,"Rosa, do
you wear white panties tonight"?

Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo, I do, But how do you know that"?

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How
do you like them"?

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo
asks Maria to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says,
"Maria, be stilla my heart. Pleasa tella me you wear no panties tonight,
pleasa, pleasa, tella me thisa be true"!

Maria smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no panties tonight".

Paolo gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my new $300
Bocceli leather shoes!"

[Racerbvd]

MONTANA COWBOY


A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me
a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds,
he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed
and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"


You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing was required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd
of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."

[Overpaid Slacker]

What do you call a man who doesn't cheat on his wife while on a business trip?







An Astronaut.

[75Carrera]

Did you know?....


There are SEVEN KINDS OF SEX:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both
have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and
you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your
sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in the bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun
at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your spouse any more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But it's not enough to live on.

[75Carrera]

Subject: logic



Steve and Bob, two good ole boys from Missouri, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Steve turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Steve goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Steve says. "What's that?"
The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Steve shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Steve says, "I'll give you an example.
Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."

[Racerbvd]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I
am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.

" But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
out of your pajamas?"


(You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)






"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[teenerted1]

Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy . . .

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck
happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.