How about a joke thread?

[Racerbvd]

A Stay of Execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door
at home, his wife started on him about,

"What time of night to be getting home is this?"

"Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."

And on and on and on!

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight!

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked,
drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which her husband whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

[EdT82SC]

Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest.

At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looks at it and, after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in honour of his Arab guests), George W gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl.

That was delicious," he says to Olmert. "Do the Jews eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

[pwd72s]

One day I was shooting straight pool and I was lining up to shoot the 7 ball and a little frog jumped out of the side pocket onto the rail.
The frog said : shoot the 5 ball first, shoot the 5 ball first.
Why should I listen to you your just a frog?
The frog said : shoot the 5 ball first, shoot the 5 ball first, just trust me.
Well I followed the frogs coaching and ran 255 balls straight. I couldn't believe it. The frog brought me unbelieveable luck. I decided to take the frog to vegas and gamble with my winnings. We sat at a black jack table and I get dealt an 18.
The frog says hit it, hit the 18.
ARE YOU CRAZY HIT ON 18?
The frog says just trust me hit the 18.
I have the dealer hit me and draw a 3 and get 21. I couldnt believe it.
This went on until the floor boss came over and asked me to leave because he thought I was counting cards and was up $20,000.
We were getting real tired so me and the frog get us a suite.
I set the frog on the pillow next to me and laid done to go to sleep.
The frog says kiss me, kiss me.
No way am I gonna kiss you your a frog.
The frog says kiss me, kiss me.
If I kiss you will you let me get some sleep?
The frog says kiss me, kiss me and I will let you get some sleep.
Well I kiss the frog and the frog turns into this voluptuos 17 year old
blonde bombshell, that I just could not resist.

YOUR HONOR I SWEAR THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED!

[craigster59]

That reminds me of a joke. An 80 year old man sits down on a park bench. Suddenly, a frog leaps onto the bench next to him and says " If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess!". The old man picks up the frog and places it into his pocket. The frog exclaims 'What are you doing!? Aren't you going to kiss me?". The old man replies, "At my age, I think I'd rather have a talking frog."

[pwd72s]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly

admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will
Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Tim Walsh]

John Madden was in New England to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Patriots' bench.
He asked QB Brady what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Brady replied, "Sure, but it will cost you
$200."

John scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $200. John's picks were
perfect that week.

The next week, John was in Indianapolis when he noticed that same kind
of phone on the Colts" bench. He asked what the telephone was for and Manning told him, "It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost
you $500." Recalling the previous week, John pulled out his wallet and made the call. John's picks were perfect again that week.

Last weekend, John was in Green Bay, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Packers' bench. He asked Brett Favre, "Is that the hotline to God?" Favre Said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you 50 cents."

John looked incredulously at Favre and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $200 in New England and $500 in Indianapolis to use the same phone to God!
Why do the Packers only charge 50 cents?"

Favre replied, "Because in Green Bay, it's a local call."

[Isabo]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

[imcarthur]

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In Las Vegas, But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshippers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.
Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.

This Is Done By The Chip Monks. You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You?

[Mule]

Know what the difference is between a guy praying in a casino on Saturday nite & a guy praying in church on Sunday morning? The guy in the casino really means it!

[Racerbvd]

Two Rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Redneck says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Redneck crooked his head sideways for a
minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard
about the question.


Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but
it sure would make us even.

[johnco]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

[pwd72s]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy."


Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.


He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!"
he says.


He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and
get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies
up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and
falls flat on his face.


"Bi'Jesus... I'm soused," he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He
crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and
looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin' way."


But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think
I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on
his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages
to crawl to the bed and fall in.


The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee
and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"


Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?"


"Mick called.. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[imcarthur]

What are the 3 miracles of a woman??????

1. A woman can give milk without eating any grass.

2. She can bury a 'bone' without getting her lips dirty.

and

3. She can bleed for 5 f...ing days and not die.

[Racerbvd]

POPULATION


The population of this country is 300 million.




160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.




There are 85 million in school.





Which leaves 55 million to do the work.





Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.





Leaving 15 million to do the work.






2.8 million are in the armed forc es preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.




Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.




Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.





At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.




Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.





Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work.





You and me.




And there you are,






Sitting on your ass,





At your computer, reading jokes.





Nice. Real nice

[imcarthur]

LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

Just because someone does not love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank
to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[imcarthur]

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”

The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your *ss without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.

The first apple went in…but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”

The second one replied, ”I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[Saintly]

Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit...

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and
slight grin.... "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton!

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers......

"It's pronounced, 'Quiche'!"

[teenerted1]

WHAT DO DEER THINK?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was
being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do
you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my
brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw
next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French.' "

The interview ended at that point.

[Isabo]

A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions...

Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"

Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."

Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

Polish Man: "It made of concrete."

Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland ."

Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you

up?"

Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."

Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"

Polish Man: "She going to kill me."

Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"

Polish Man: "I got proof.

Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"

Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, Polish Remover."

[Isabo]

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTESSay the words out loud.


1) That's not > >right..........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive? ........Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.............................. Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse..............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach?..............Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table..........Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here...................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet........Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.............No Pah King
12) Our meeting is next week............Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight...................Le i Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.........Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great..................................Fa Kin Su Pah