"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," saidTom, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen,"Tom replied.She ran out of the room.

same but different:

A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
"What are you doing?"

Mom replies, "Uhm..., we're doing gymnastics"

The little girl replies, "Better close the drapes then, or the neighbours might think you're fu cking...."

Proof The World Is Nuts!
 

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. I bet you are glad you don't live in Indonesia!
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is America a great country or what?) Well... Not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???) Did our Government pay for this research??
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And you thought you had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future,

I will be In Guam!

Cheers
JB

What did the Islamist extremist say to the ISIS recruiter?
"Jihad me at hello."

Why are camels called "The Ships of the Desert"?

Because they're full of Arab semen.




~

A visitor was walking with a farmer across his pasture. There were two small spaces fenced off on a hill in the middle of the pasture.
"What's that all about?" ask the visitor.
"That place over there is where I first had sex, and that spot over there is where her mother stood and watched."
"She watched? What the heck did she have to say about it?"
"Bahhhh..."

Dahhhhhhhhdy

I wish this was a joke :rolleyes::confused::rolleyes:

New Element Discovered

Toronto University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years (in Canada). It does not decay, but instead undergoes a re-organization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Why did the fish receive a poor report card?

Because all his grades came under a 'sea'

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death..
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

Yesterday, I accidentally ate two pieces of string. Later that night, they came out my anus tied together. I **** you knot. they were tied together.

I knew a muslim guy who was perpetually late for everything; we called him 9/12

What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.

Why are semen and urine different colors?

So the Irish guy knows if he's going or cumming.

A minister was driving down the highway and was stopped for speeding. The state trooper smelled alcohol on his breath, and then he saw an empty wine bottle on the floor. So he said, “Sir, have you been drinking tonight?” The minister replied, “Just water, officer.” The trooper asked, “Then why do I smell wine?” The minister looked down at the bottle and said, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

OK. An earlier Amish joke reminded me of this....

Amish girls Becky and Rachel were out digging potatoes.
Becky comes up with a big one and says
Why Rachel look, this looks like Jake's balls!
Rachel says Really Becky, are Jake's balls that big?
No, says Becky, but they're that dirty!

Shortest prostate exam ever...

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants ?"

“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

A beautiful co-ed approached her professor, and whispered seductivley in his ear, "I would do anything to get an good grade in your class.

"You are willing to do anything to get a good grade, really?"

"Yes, I would do anything"







"If you are willing to do anything for a good grade, why don't you go home and study"

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and! said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Granny & Grandad
 

Ever wondered what the difference between Granny and Grandad is?
A five year old granddaughter is usually taken to her primary school daily by her grandfather. But, one day when he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!

"What made it different?" asked her parents.

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, foreign prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!"

Subject: Frank



Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell" asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well" replied Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

A Curmudgeon's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change the name for the bathroom from "the John" and renamed it "the Jim." I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me?”




The social worker said, "Yeah, well you started it."

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.



Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.



To his delight, he realized she was going commando (no underwear).



She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"



Yes, I’m sorry," he replied.



"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you."



With a little twitch of her hips, sure enough, the vagina blew him a kiss.



The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.



"I can also make it wink," she replied.



The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.



"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.



He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"



Stunned, he asked, “You’re kiddin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”



It's tough gettin' Old!

Happy Time?

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/12sov0/nivea_knows_what_their_body_lotion_is_used_for/
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1432838583.jpg
I guess it depends on who's body you are putting it on.:D

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.

He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

This one time a Penguin drops off his car to get it fixed at the shop..........

:D



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSi-yCV-gQ4

Golf Story.....



Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by

noon!"




Husband - “I'm so sorry, Honey, but you probably don't want to hear the

reason."



Wife - "I want the truth...................and I want it NOW"



Husband “Fine. We finished in less than 4 hours, quick beer in the

Clubhouse; I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button.



On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat

tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course, I

refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton -

and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.



She's such a sweetie, so I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned

to three or four and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.

Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our

table.



She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now next

thing I know I'm in her room, clothes are flying, the talking stopped and

we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.



It must have gone on for hours because before I know it the clock says

5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am.

There. You wanted the truth, you got it."



Wife - "Complete and Utter Bull****. You played 36 holes, didn't you?!"

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.



The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.



The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.



The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”



The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you screwing your secretary."

Glen,

Funny, again, but I'm afraid that you might be suffering from CRAFT disease :D:):D

See http://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/155440-how-about-joke-thread-2.html#post8437477

There are no new jokes. I just post the good ones (the ones I like) some repeats are inevitable. Have you heard the one about.......

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know...a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah - But today is the last day!"

Firstborn Kids Get All The Breaks
 

Mary's kids are running into the house after playing outside.
The last one through doesn't close the door.
Mary starts to yell at him, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?"


"Oh, Jesus, it's you."



Les

A Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED . INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN .

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD , WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS .

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS TO THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21 THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

^^Good clean humour & funny to boot!!
Cheers
JB

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"
I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
Cost me 6 stitches.

Ole & Lena
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch! Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He asked, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin – in every vay.
The doctor replied, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He then took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"