How about a joke thread?

[imcarthur]

FRANK FELDMAN

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me; I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f***ing widow.'

[aap1966]

Operator; Hello, 9-1-1.
Caller: Help, there's been a terrible accident. I'm out hunting with my
buddy and the gun went off. I think he's dead...
Operator: O.K. sir, don't panic, help is on it's way. I'm going to tell you
what to do. First, you have to make sure he's really dead....
Caller: O.k. (gunshot blast, gunshot blast)
Now what?...........

[75Carrera]

Baby Boomers will love this!
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb

[RANDY P]

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself
nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. 'God...if you take away my love handles, I'll
devote my life to you,' She prayed, and just like that......................


her ears fell off.

[cstreit]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

• Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
• Two French men and one French woman.
• Two German men and one German woman.
• Two British men and one British woman..
• Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
• Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
• Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

• One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
• The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
• The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
• The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
• The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
• The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.
• The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores,
  how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.'

[75Carrera]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically...)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested

scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny, little ,,,," She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[ckissick]

A lady went to the doctor after a round of golf and said, "Doc, I got stung by a bee."

"Where?" asked the doc.

"Between the 1st and 2nd hole," she replied.

"Your stance is too wide."

[Mule]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

[Racerbvd]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.


He began his day with an 8 lb walleye on the first cast and a 7 lb on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever wall eye over 11 lb when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized
he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital.
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen,
with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was jubilant .... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your
fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond,
your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished
because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'

'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her caregiver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said,

'I'm just screwing with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?'

[Mule]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rugged Mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, as group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about Grizzly bear hunting! By the way, how is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[porsche930dude]

Never Choke, in a restaurant, in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[teenerted1]

this could be a repost?
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 21-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,"I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang'
and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly..."

[porsche930dude]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me REL IGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is
gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a
million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think y ou were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:

My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[kach22i]

English Humor:

A Barman in a pub notices something odd.

In the evenings each of his male customers was taking it in turns to go outside for about 10 minutes and then come back in looking very pleased with themselves.Straight away, another customer went outside. He watches this for months and finally his curiosity makes him ask whats going on.

A returning customer was challenged and confessed that there was a woman outside. She was hiding in the dark behind the pub and she was insatiable, performing oral sex on them all night long.

The barman was a bit put out as, after all, they hadnt ever involved him in it as he was always busy behind the bar.
They agreed to look after the bar for him while he went and took his turn.

Quickly he went outside into the dark area of the carpark. For a moment he thought he might had been set up as he fumbled about in the dark and then finally he saw the shape of the woman. Straight away, down went his zip, and serious oral sex began.

He could feel himself about to explode when suddenly out of the darkness came a policeman with a torch.

"Hello hello hello, whats all this then??"

.........."Errrr, Just making love to my wife, officer, its just the wife".

"Oh, sorry Sir, I didnt realise it was your wife".

.........."Thats Ok Officer, neither did I until you shone that f_cking torch at us".

[85eurocarrera]

A joke worth posting...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[pwd72s]

MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS


A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular
Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in
the front row and said,

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[Racerbvd]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.



Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.



About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.



'What happened to you?' asked Hillary. 'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.' 'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary. The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.'

[imcarthur]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[cstreit]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipp er and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.

[imcarthur]

Blonde Cooking Diary

Monday
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.