How about a joke thread?

[Hawkeye's-911T]

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...



I mean seriously, wouldn't you just keep drinking?

Cheers
JB

[RANDY P]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye's-911T

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...



I mean seriously, wouldn't you just keep drinking?

Cheers
JB

Oh there's nothing lost there, nothing at all-

A few even look like Mohammed in drag.

rjp

[GWN7]

The Woman's Christian Temperance Union is alive and well

Woman's Christian Temperance Union - The Canadian Encyclopedia

[GH85Carrera]

Originally Posted by GWN7

The Woman's Christian Temperance Union is alive and well

Woman's Christian Temperance Union - The Canadian Encyclopedia

So is this group of dummies.

Modern flat Earth societies - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[GWN7]

My sister won a bunch of bursaries for university from them. I on the other hand did by best to prove them wrong during the same period.

[charlesbahn]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."



Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"



The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."



Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.



She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."



He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............

(scroll down)
































"let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[masraum]

The other day a baby boy was born with no eyelids.

Eyelids are vital for protecting the eye, keeping it clean and moisturized. If the baby was allowed to continue without eyelids, he would go blind.

In a shocking, experimental procedure, the doctors circumcised the boy and used the extra foreskin to create eyelids.

The operation was a success. The little boy is going to be fine. He may ba a little cock-eyed, but he'll be fine.

[Tervuren]

Originally Posted by bowenx

I can't believe I read all 90 pages.
Many repeats which is pretty funny.
ok - here are my 2 quick ones...

Q) Why do gorillas have large nostrils?
A) They have large fingers.

Q) Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A) It was dead.

bah dum bash....I'll be here all week.

Q)Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A)It was stapled to the monkey.

[dafischer]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the
bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab
the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty
Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and
she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back
upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten B**ch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked,
playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[MBAtarga]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[Saintly]

Originally Posted by masraum

The other day a baby boy was born with no eyelids.

Eyelids are vital for protecting the eye, keeping it clean and moisturized. If the baby was allowed to continue without eyelids, he would go blind.

In a shocking, experimental procedure, the doctors circumcised the boy and used the extra foreskin to create eyelids.

The operation was a success. The little boy is going to be fine. He may ba a little cock-eyed, but he'll be fine.

but think of the foresight he'll have

[Bill Douglas]

Two blondes were on either side of a busy road. One blonde yelled out to the other blonde "How do you get across to the other side?" The other one yelled back "Duh, you are on the other side."

[charlesbahn]

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian replied, "Get in line."

[GH85Carrera]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys ..

[dafischer]

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..





If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?



1. _ _NDOM




2. F_ _K




3. P_N_S




4. PU_S_




5. S_X




6. BOO_S









| | | | | | | | | |




nswers:




1. RANDOM



2. FORK



3. PANTS



4. PULSE



5. SIX



6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?




You do NOT have Alzheimer's




You are a Pervert

[charlesbahn]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
things went.'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on
his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped
me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'FREAKIN' JAYSUS, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure
as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[GH85Carrera]

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .
Between her breasts . . . And,
trickling down the small of her back . . .
She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile
on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . and, again.

Her heart was pounding now . . .
Her face was flushed . . .
She moaned . . . softly at first, then began
to groan louder . . .

Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . .
As she shouted:

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

[72doug2,2S]

So, a dyslexic walks into a bra..

[72doug2,2S]

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

[72doug2,2S]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"