How about a joke thread?

[72doug2,2S]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

[72doug2,2S]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[72doug2,2S]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[sammyg2]

One winter morning, an employee explained to the boss why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late.
"It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up and started for home."

[GH85Carrera]

Why I miss Rodney Dangerfield:

Read these with his voice in your head.


With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning”? She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father,
"I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor.
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Last night I went into our bedroom - the dog was teaching my wife to roll over & play dead,

[cmccuist]

My proctologist, he's the only one I see eye to eye with.

Proctologist, there's a job. You start at the bottom and you stay there!

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Gotta get Rodney's doctor in here somehow - Dr. Vinny Boombah

[GH85Carrera]

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[GH85Carrera]

Late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter........



Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time.



More information will be reported as this story is followed.

[charlesbahn]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[RANDY P]

[GH85Carrera]

Florida Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took... The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer fees was incredible."

[Charles Freeborn]

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?



The oyster shucker shucks between fits.... ba dum bum...

[Don Ro]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.
~~~~~~~~~
*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WI TNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

******************************

[Hawkeye's-911T]

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.


I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

Cheers
JB

[Baz]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. '

[Baz]

A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
"Mom, what are you doing to Dad?"

Mom replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."

The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

[Baz]

Little Johnny had been asking his dad for a new bicycle several times over the last couple of months. Dad kept putting him off and finally said "Johnny, you know your mom just lost her job and now we have this $250,000 mortgage and only one income. We can't afford a new bicycle right now. I am sorry. You'll have to wait; maybe Christmas."

A few days later Dad spotted Little Johnny walking away from the house, with a sack over his shoulder. He ran after him, caught up to him and said "Johnny, where are you going?"

Little Johnny said "Well, Dad, last night I walked past your and Mom's bedroom door. I heard you say "I'm pulling out." Then, I heard Mom say "No, wait. I'm coming to." Well, Dad, there's no way I'm staying here alone with a mortgage and no bicycle!"

[Baz]

A man walks into his doctors office and says "Doctor I have five penises" Doctor says "that's terrible, how on earth does your trousers fit?" Patient replies, "like a glove".