If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1421967253.jpg

I mean seriously, wouldn't you just keep drinking?

Cheers
JB

Oh there's nothing lost there, nothing at all-

A few even look like Mohammed in drag.:eek:

rjp

The Woman's Christian Temperance Union is alive and well :)

Woman's Christian Temperance Union - The Canadian Encyclopedia

So is this group of dummies.

Modern flat Earth societies - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

My sister won a bunch of bursaries for university from them. I on the other hand did by best to prove them wrong during the same period. :)

A Senior Moment
 

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."



Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"



The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."



Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.



She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."



He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............

(scroll down)
































"let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."



http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1422136614.jpg
SmileWavy

The other day a baby boy was born with no eyelids.

Eyelids are vital for protecting the eye, keeping it clean and moisturized. If the baby was allowed to continue without eyelids, he would go blind.

In a shocking, experimental procedure, the doctors circumcised the boy and used the extra foreskin to create eyelids.

The operation was a success. The little boy is going to be fine. He may ba a little cock-eyed, but he'll be fine.

Q)Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A)It was stapled to the monkey.

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the
bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab
the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty
Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and
she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back
upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten B**ch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked,
playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

but think of the foresight he'll have

Two blondes were on either side of a busy road. One blonde yelled out to the other blonde "How do you get across to the other side?" The other one yelled back "Duh, you are on the other side."

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian replied, "Get in line."

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys ..

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..





If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test





How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?



1. _ _NDOM




2. F_ _K




3. P_N_S




4. PU_S_




5. S_X




6. BOO_S









| | | | | | | | | |




nswers:




1. RANDOM



2. FORK



3. PANTS



4. PULSE



5. SIX



6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?




You do NOT have Alzheimer's




You are a Pervert

Irish Viagra
 

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said...'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
things went.'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on
his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped
me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'FREAKIN' JAYSUS, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure
as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .
Between her breasts . . . And,
trickling down the small of her back . . .
She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . . with a huge smile
on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards.
Forward then backward.
Again . . . and, again.

Her heart was pounding now . . .
Her face was flushed . . .
She moaned . . . softly at first, then began
to groan louder . . .

Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . .
As she shouted:

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

So, a dyslexic walks into a bra..

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

One winter morning, an employee explained to the boss why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late.
"It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up and started for home."

Why I miss Rodney Dangerfield:

Read these with his voice in your head.


With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning”? She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father,
"I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor.
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Last night I went into our bedroom - the dog was teaching my wife to roll over & play dead,

My proctologist, he's the only one I see eye to eye with.

Proctologist, there's a job. You start at the bottom and you stay there!

Gotta get Rodney's doctor in here somehow - Dr. Vinny Boombah

An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

Late breaking story from ESPN Sportscenter........



Pete Carroll, former head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, is reported to be very near to signing on as a special consultant to The Pope in Vatican City. The Pope looks to recruit Carroll to be a spokesman for the Catholic Church because he is the first man in history that made 100 million people jump up and yell "Jesus Christ!" at the same time.



More information will be reported as this story is followed.

What sex is a computer?
 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Florida Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial. Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took... The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer fees was incredible."

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?



The oyster shucker shucks between fits.... ba dum bum...

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.
~~~~~~~~~
*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WI TNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

******************************

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.


I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

Cheers
JB

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.. '

A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
"Mom, what are you doing to Dad?"

Mom replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."

The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

Little Johnny had been asking his dad for a new bicycle several times over the last couple of months. Dad kept putting him off and finally said "Johnny, you know your mom just lost her job and now we have this $250,000 mortgage and only one income. We can't afford a new bicycle right now. I am sorry. You'll have to wait; maybe Christmas."

A few days later Dad spotted Little Johnny walking away from the house, with a sack over his shoulder. He ran after him, caught up to him and said "Johnny, where are you going?"

Little Johnny said "Well, Dad, last night I walked past your and Mom's bedroom door. I heard you say "I'm pulling out." Then, I heard Mom say "No, wait. I'm coming to." Well, Dad, there's no way I'm staying here alone with a mortgage and no bicycle!"

A man walks into his doctors office and says "Doctor I have five penises" Doctor says "that's terrible, how on earth does your trousers fit?" Patient replies, "like a glove".