In Destin, Florida, the other day, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "Hope this helps."

Lady in the dentist's chair receives the news she needs a root canal.
ROOT CANAL !!!!! I'd rather go through child birth again!!!!
Dentist responds - 'Well, make up your mind - I have to adjust the chair'

(Buddy Hackett on Carson ~ 1973)

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they kind of taste like peppermint.

The New 2015 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, it can be a real ***** to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Last night, I beat the ever-living stuffing out of a flag burning, cop hating, Obama loving protester."

The priest says, "My son, I’am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room
immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going
to jump out the window.

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a
maintenance matter."

A priest checks into a hotel and says to the attendant 'I hope the porn channel is disabled'.

He replies 'No, it's normal able bodied porn. You sick ****'.

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.

Still my favorite joke:

Once upon a time an airline pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!!!!"

And the airline pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard b i t c h ing and never had to pay child support or alimony and kept his house and cars and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

Enough ammo?
 

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yells, "I have a Colt .45 Auto with seven rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!

A voice from the back of the room calls out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

Alabama fan............
 

Why is an Alabama football fan like a maggot?

Because they can both live off of a dead bear for 20 years!

Diplomas...........
 

What does a University of Georgia grad do with his/her diploma?

Leaves it on the dash of their car so they can park in the handicapped spaces!

3 Legged Dog..............
 

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar, stops in the middle of the bar, looks around and says:

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"!

Subject: Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors
a)~ Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
b)~ 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
c)~ 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
d)~ Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
e)~ Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
f)~ Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
g)~ 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
h)~ 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
j)~ Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
k)~ 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
l)~ Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
m)~ 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
n)~ 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
o)~ 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
p)~ 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

As one rabbit said to his buddy, "I just washed my thing and can't do a hare with it!"

Best
Les

Why Men Die First
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. But it requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If she asks you ... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.


So: Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

Why Men Die First
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. But it requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If she asks you ... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.


So: Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

Glen, this one's for you - - an old one from my college days. :)
~~~~~~~
A salesman was given an assignment to attend a conference in Boston.
His associate, who was born there, suggested that he try the Scrod at a good restaurant.
"Scrod?", the salesman asked.
"It's actually Cod, prepared deliciously different.", replied the associate.
.
On the way from the airport to his hotel room, the salesman asked the cab driver, "Where can a fellow get scrod around here?"
The cabby said, "You know. I've heard that question a thousand times before, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

The Bull Fight
 

<iframe width="640" height="360" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/tzgRw6V252s" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Some Brit Humour
 

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the junior doctors in the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar$eholes in Whitehall.

Cheers
JB

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/qgf_dpXizDE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

There were two nuns, One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

New to thread, not sure if this is a repeat:

A blond speeding down the highway in her red convertible, gets pulled over by a cop who happen to be a blond female officer.

Ma'am driver license and registration !

The driver rummaged thru her purse: I can't find my license, help me out officer, how does it look like?

Ma'am it is rectangular with your photo in it.

The driver did some more digging and produced a small make up mirror and handed it to the officer! Who looked at it, and said:

Ma'am you can go, you could have told that you were a police officer yourself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

old dude.

Only in The South:

Fellow gets pulled over by police.
Police: Sir, you got an ID?
Fellow: About what?
:D

WHat do you get when you mix jelly and Flint, Michigan water?
Pb & J.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent leads.'

Good One.:cool:

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE

1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do

5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist

6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate

7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living

9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does

11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12. PARADOX
Two physicians

13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm

14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through

15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring

17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife

18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does

19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official

20. PARADIGMS
Twenty cents

Don't know if this one has been posted already, but I liked it.

A fellow bought a new Porsche and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Porsche," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

Here's a joke for you .
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1455915775.jpg

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do." Sitting a couple of stools down, two old blokes overheard the conversation. One looks over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her son. That'll put a stop to that stuff."

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

Anal sex is like spinach; if you were forced to have it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.

A couple of first year University of Jamaica room mates were discussing their courses.
One fellow says," Mathematics? I thought you said you were going to be a Marine Biologist?"
His new friend says, "No no! I said I was studying the Algebra."

Thank you. I'll be here all night. Try the veal.
Les