How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

A southern West Virginia preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be
forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[pwd72s]

The Pope dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300.

He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed watchman opens the gate and asks, "Waddyah want?"

"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 68 years of godly works and thought I should check in here."

The watchman checks his clipboard and says,

"I ain't got no orders for you here. Just bring your stuff in and we'll sort this out in the morning.."

They go to an old WWII barracks, 3rd floor, open bay.

All the bottom racks are taken and all empty lockers have no doors.

The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.

The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping.

He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building.

The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti.

In the back seat sits a Navy Chief; his Aircrew Wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a can of San Miguel beer in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde Angel with magnificent halos.

This sight disturbs the Pope and he runs downstairs to the Master-at-Arms shack and says,

"Hey, what gives? You put me, the Pope with 68 years of godly deeds, in an open bay barracks, while this Navy Chief, who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?"

The Master at Arms calmly looks up and says,

"Hey, we get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Navy Chief before.

[Racerbvd]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy:

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know -- how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' ( It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)

[Baz]

The Hair Cut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


Dad's reply?

'So son.....did you also notice.....they all walked everywhere they went???'

[Baz]

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus Jack.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the **** out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," Cactus replied.. "Something about a job."

[crustychief]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

The Pope dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300................
"Hey, we get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Navy Chief before.

Well I'll be damned.

[dafischer]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

[Burkie61]

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He **** my pants too".

[GH85Carrera]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[GH85Carrera]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

[GH85Carrera]

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

[GH85Carrera]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

[GH85Carrera]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

[pwd72s]

At a wedding reception recently someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand next to the one

person who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

[GH85Carrera]

The Perfect Day for Her:

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday.
8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.
9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lavender bath oil.
10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3:00PM Nap.
4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer.
4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.
7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00PM Hot shower.
10:30PM Make love.
11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

The Perfect Day for Him:

6:00AM Alarm.
6:15AM Blowjob.
6:30AM Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
7:00AM Breakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee.
7:30AM Limo arrives.
7:45AM Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport.
8:15AM Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI & WSJ)
9:30AM Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45AM Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45AM Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
2:15PM Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
2:30AM Limo back to airport (Bombay martini, shaken, 2 olives).
3:15PM Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
4:30PM Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
6:45PM ****, shower and shave.
7:00PM Watch CNN, Iran government overthrown, elections held.
7:30PM Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20oz NY Steak.
9:00PM Remy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar.
9:30PM Sex with three women (at least 2 are bi).
11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45PM Bed (alone).
11:50PM 12 second,4 octave fart,..... dog leaves room.
11:55PM Sleep.

[Baz]

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs "that Americans are not willing to do".

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and I voted for Obama."

[Racerbvd]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*

[BE911SC]

A man lay dying in the hospital. His wife is there with him and he senses the end is very near. He asks his wife for one last blow-job. Wife replies, "I'm sorry dear but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

[GH85Carrera]

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton .

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool teacher gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:...... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist..
Clinton:...... Bill is a bs artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:...... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.

Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelery.
Clinton:..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

[GH85Carrera]

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."