How about a joke thread?

[Joe Bob]

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?












Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.


4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..






Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?










Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
[cid:86CAE7E90904424E8D636CB9125E1A7A@JudyPC]
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

[Buckterrier]

What do you call a bail of hay on the side of the road?...


An Amish fuel stop

[peppy]

Originally Posted by Buckterrier

What do you call a bail of hay on the side of the road?...


An Amish fuel stop

I've had a few people convinced they where turkey nests.

[porsche930dude]

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Go Devils!!!

[GH85Carrera]

I was at the store late the other night; the last customer.

The cute girl at the register said, “Strip Down, Facing Me.”

It was much later when it dawned on me.... she was talking about swiping my Debit Card.

The good news is....bail is not nearly as expensive as I thought it would be.

[Bill Douglas]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Message left in kitchen.....Women just don't really have a sense of humour

[Bill Douglas]

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

[intakexhaust]

Southern laughs


Alabama

A group of men went hunting one day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.


"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"Tough call," nodded the hunter. "I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"


Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everthang but my earrings."




Louisiana A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied: "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause every thang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got the licence number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied: "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."




Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked: "Got any ID?"

The driver replied: "Bout whut?"




One more:


The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'

[GH85Carrera]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.'

'Is that true, Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[GH85Carrera]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's
25, and her name's Kathy.
---------------------
Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
--------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries.
--------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do
you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling
up!"
-------------------------------------
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated,
but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back
as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
-------------------------------------
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
-------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards
the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches
the driveway.

[GH85Carrera]

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

[GH85Carrera]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife…

[GH85Carrera]

Sitting in a bar in the English Midlands , a Scotsman says, "As good as this pub is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said an Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said an Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[GH85Carrera]

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.


One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"


"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[GH85Carrera]

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

[sammyg2]

A guy came home from work, and his wife met him at the door and told him she wanted a boob job.
He was keen to the idea until he found out how much it cost, he didn't have that kind of money.

So he said to her, "try this: every night, take a big wad of toilet paper and rub it up and down between your breasts."

She said "will that make them bigger?"

he said "I don't see why not it sure worked on your arse".

[GH85Carrera]

Two old guys talking

One said to the other: "My 69th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

[widebody911]

I had a Chinese girlfriend for a while.

The sex was great, but an hour later I'd be horny again.