How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .....”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

[john70t]

Three men sentenced to death by guillotine.

The first is put on the block.
The blade comes down.
He is still alive.
Something didn't work.
The King says "he was executed officially, now let him go".

The second is put on the block.
The same thing happens.
He goes free.

The third is put on the block.
"WAIT, WAIT, STOP."
"I'm an engineer. I can fix that".

[GH85Carrera]

The other day, my friend's wife was screaming at him: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So he turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

[GH85Carrera]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ******* with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[HardDrive]

Two guys are walking down the street, and they come upon a dog licking his own privates.

The first guys say, "I sure wish I could do that".

His friend replies, "I'll bet you could, but you should probably pet him first".

[Hawkeye's-911T]

I received this 'groaner' in my e-mail this morning. It may have been posted before - if so my apologies.


WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
Exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Cheers
JB

[strath44]

Helium walks into a bar

bar tender says, we don't serve noble gases................



helium doesnt react!

[E38Driver]

Not mine but funny just the same.

I was having intestinal problems a few years back. So, they decided that I needed an upper and lower GI. I'll spare you the details about the laxatives and stuff, but I will tell you that laxatives always give me gas. Even in the aftermath.

Well, I went in for my upper GI on a Monday and my lower GI a little later in the week. The upper was disgusting because the stuff they make you drink is like drinking liquid death. It tasted like road kill smells. With lemon. I was told that the lower GI would be easier because I wouldn't have to drink a ton of stuff.

So, I went to my lower GI quite happy and ready to roll.

They got me prepped and put me on the table and then proceeded to tell me that the stuff I drank a few days before, the chalky lemon skunk juice, would basically be shot into my anus so that they could see stuff in there a little better.

Uhm ... okay.

Now, this is where I remind you that I had gas. I had the kind of gas that stands up and makes a mockery of GasX and Beano. I had the kind of gas that can evacuate an elevator and make a 400lb woman in a Wal Mart scooter take the stairs two at a time while shouting the Hail Mary and talking in tongues. I had the kind of gas that can make a baby cry twenty feet across the room, wilt flowers, induce vomiting, and cause small creatures to scamper away. And the sound could make a million buzzards take flight while pooping themselves in fear.

I was told that I would feel "pressure". I was told that it would be like an enema and I should hold it ... hold it ... hold it ... so the pictures could be taken.

Folks, for at least fifteen minutes I could feel air swelling out my intestines like overcooked sausages. I tried to burp. I tried to hold my breath so I could at least drift into unconsciousness and not feel the pain. And I watched my stomach begin to look like a hot air balloon inflating. It was excruciating. The harder I tried not to pass gas ... the more I needed to.

And then ... I farted.

Chalky stuff was everywhere, no poop however.

It looked like a chalk line that had been blown with a leaf blower. It was horrifying. And it was the fart that wouldn't quit. I didn't know what to do so I started breathing really deep thinking I could sniff away any smell before it got to anyone else ... and it just kept going and going and going. It was the kind of flatulence that has octaves and makes you believe that your ass trumpet has musical skill to rival the Symphony Orchestra.

And then it ended.

And you could have heard a pin drop.

And I'm lying on my side complete bare butted with my face burning up from all the blood rushing to it ...

And the doctor goes, "My word. I almost tasted that one."

I never rescheduled the test.

[dafischer]

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da vock vud you say?'

[widebody911]

Women are the only objects to defy gravity; the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

[Bill Douglas]

Originally Posted by widebody911

Women are the only objects to defy gravity; the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

Thanks, I can't stop laughing.

[Bill Douglas]

An all women flight crew and pilots said over the intercom "We are renaming the cockpit the box office."

[GH85Carrera]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Arizona? 34% said yes; 21% said No;45% said "No comprendo."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

[GH85Carrera]

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Case closed. Time for another beer.

[GH85Carrera]

Robert's Wedding

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and theexpected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat
surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

[GH85Carrera]

A balding, white haired man from Coldstream, a bedroom community of Vernon, BC, walked into a jewelry store - Gregory's - this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

[Racerbvd]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"



Lil' Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, take the best *****, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".



The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:



And you, Tanya?

"I wanna be Lil' Johnny's *****!"

[Racerbvd]

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[johnco]

One dark rainy night, Boodro and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

Boo gets up and goes to the door where a drunken Thibodeaux standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Mais, not a chance," says Boodro, "it's 3:00 in duh morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was dat?", asked his wife..

"Juss drunk Thibodeaux asking fuh a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"Mai, No, Ah did not, it's 3:00 in duh morning an' pouring rain out dere!"

"Mais, you have a short memory", says his wife. "Can't you remember

about three months ago when we broke down, and dose two guys helped

us? Ah think you should go help him, and you should be ashamed of

yourself!"

Boodro does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, Thibodeaux, are you still dere?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out Boo.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks Boo.

-

-

-

-

-

-


Drunk Thibodeaux replies... "Over here! On duh swing!"

!

[Christien]

Why did Mike fall off the swing?

Because he didn't have any arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Mike.