+1

My hats off to you Grady and all the other folks who have chimed in with offers of help and advise.

Helping an adult in trouble can and will tax your energies. Good for you for setting boundaries. if you're not healthy and rested yourself, you're unable to help anyway. If it were easy, everybody would be doing what you're doing, Grady. But..you know this better than most from what we've gleaned of your past and present experiences in generosity..
Ryan

Remember that in many ways he is still a 15 year old kid. He hasn't enjoyed the normal development process that most of us had.

This means that his judgment is not good. He will make mistakes and he will mess up. This may be the first time he's tried to do it right, and he's not likely to get it right 100% the first time.

The question is whether he tries harder after each mistake and learns from the screw ups. That's wht comes natural in dealing with a kid before you give up on him. This guy's an adult now so he's kind of lost that natural give and take and now he's in one strike and he's out territory.

See if you can manage his inevitable mistakes in a way that he can still move forward from them without getting kicked out on a zero tollerance basis.

good advice. set your expectations, as i'm sure you've already done, to expect much less than 100% compliance to the things he ought to be doing. hell, i fall pretty short of that myself equipped with a 'reasonable development'.. ;)
ryan

Very good point MRM, and Grady..EMPTY your mailbox
Rika

Current report.

NV met with his parole officer on Thursday at 9:00 AM. He was early by about 45 min and she noticed. They started early, a good sign (I was stuck at home with a cold or would have been there.) NV signed the permission to allow me and the PO to talk – that may prevent miscommunication.

He is to schedule “alcohol evaluation” from another agency. It isn’t clear to me (yet) if that evaluation can be done in the evening or very late afternoon. LV can barely make enough money to pay his rent with almost none left to buy food. If he misses a day of working to attend evaluation, he can’t even pay the $25/mo fine (totals some $2K).

That $25 is due today. I’m going to insist that NV pay at least $5 over the weekend. I have the directions as to how he can do that. The PO says there is a lot of flexibility with payment. We both agree that it is best for NV to pay something (however small) each month due. This will allow him to fulfill his responsibility yet not strain his ability to eat.

Speaking of food, he has a $155/mo food stamp card. What he doesn’t have is the skill to budget that correctly. I suspect toward the end of December he will have no food. I can imagine what that will do for the pressures on him.

NV seems to be consistently behind on his rent. I have discussed this with his landlord. She will keep the “heat on” but won’t let him accumulate debt or throw him out without contacting me.


NV seems to be willing to go to the State Prison rather than be homeless. That is an unbelievably sad state of affairs.


Some of this may seem like I’m insensitive. I don’t think this can be successful overall without NV being able to fend for himself. Some call this “tough love.” I see it as an opportunity to teach NV ‘life skills’ even at age 33.

Sad.

I want to get our friends in Fort Collins, CO to help me with NV’s relocation. Please contact me at gradyclayathotmaildotcom.

Best,
Grady

You're a good man Grady

Well done Grady. This is the best "stand up-stand down" strategy in action I can imagine.

Grady,

Hardly insensitive.

More like good parenting to me.

Like you say, NV needs to stand on his own. Having someone to help him stay the course and coach him in the correct direction is what he needs and what you seem to be offering. you can do not more, nor much better. At all ages, we need the coaching sometimes.

If he is thinking prison is a viable alternative, he clearly still has some learning to do.

I am hoping for the best for both you and NV.

Guys,

The most difficult situation that I don’t know how to deal with is when NV gets upset. He gets frustrated with his situation and starts to take it out on me. My normal response is to remind him that he contacted me first and that I care. I then go to listening to the issues and proposing possible solutions. Every time I remind him of the consequences, he says he is willing to go to prison.

I see this as escapism from reality. My only response is to remind him that prison is bad. He doesn’t think so. I then remind him that life is better outside jail. He agrees.

What is REALLY FRUSTRATING for me is that he sees life on the “outside” so onerous compared to imprisonment. That is an unbelievable state of affairs. I see the cause as his perception he can’t earn enough to even live or eat.

I see a possible solution is to provide him an organized solution. I can think up all the details. The critical issue is to cover all the bases. Should I do it?

I understand this may be a total failure. The goal is to prevent that. If it doesn’t work, there should still be alternatives. This cannot be a "do ot die."

Best,
Grady

Wow. That is really sad.

It sounds like basic living is almost impossible for him. I can't possibly imagine this thought process.

However, I think a fully thoughg out plan would be of great benefit. I think however you need to break it out in small managible pieces. Don't show it all to him at once. It will blow his mind and he'll likely panic that it's insurmountable - however trivial it may seem to you or I.

+1

Sounds like the guy needs to savor some victories, nomatter how small.

what does he enjoy, grady? is there any recreational activity he likes? fishing maybe? what makes him laugh? i'm sure he feels terribly alone and isolated..probably most of his life. i'm sure that there are volumes of books on the struggles that former foster children, bumped from household to household face..and how they're thinking works..and what it takes to help them help themselves from point a to point b.
ryan

Coming from a Corrections Officer in a Military Prison... You would be surprised how common it is to see people with no plan and no safety net before they get out of the facility. I've had more than one person trying to do whatever they can to lose good conduct time so they can stay for a while longer. I've had one take a swing at me, and another trying to hit me with his dirty drawers for the same reasons.
I'm glad a rare few have someone like you who is willing to put in the time and effort to help them keep off the streets and out of lockup. Repeat customers are the most depressing part of my job. It's almost like reading the same book over and over again with these kids here.
Broken Family-Check
Substance abuse problems (booze or dope)-Check
Mental Illness-Check
Lack of adult level coping skills-Check
And so on...
Some join up to escape from their previous life, others because they don't have other options. The military can really straighten some people out if they get in with the right people and are shown The Way (emphasis on the capital letters) But too many others fall back in the same patterns with the same kinds of people.
So again, thanks for taking an interest. If their were only more people in the military that cared like you do, I would be (more or less) out of a job.

Micah

to me that sounds like he could be insecure, afraid of the unknown, an unable to project his own future and fantasize about good things to come, to make plans and to work up to them... think of it as long term ADD

prison is a guaranteed thing , something he knows, understands what to expect from it, and how to deal with it...it is afterall a state of reduced requirements when it comes to thinking for ones self... no need to plan much...

it might help , to set some fun goals, with a calender to cross out "days till this or that", with an actual picture of what that thing is...it doesn't have to be big, but something tangible

i've helped people who had dept problems and couldn't work it out like this, xls sheet , with all the dues in calender form, and a fully automated calculation

so they do the monthly budget , and diligently log everything in it
as they fill it in , after a few months a routine sets in , and they learn to recognise that , actions done now, have a postive or negative effect, they learn to mange debt, and to plan their own rewards as well...

dunno how this fits in with NV, or how you can package and sell the idea, but i know this does work for people who can't project things and feel powerless about their own destiny...teaches them to deal with things, i used a similar thing to quit smoking, xls sheet with days, and a list of milestones based on clinical moments ( 20 mintes, bloodpressure drops, 2 days no more nicotine trces,,, etc etc week , 2 weeks, 3 weeks, month ,2 months ... 5 months...

I think a possible solution is to organize a "work solution" in another city. He grew up where he is and (as he says) knows all the wrong people.

I can probably find him a job about 200 mi. away. It still needs to be in-state because of his parole requirements.

What I am most worried about is his off-work time. In any city he can get in with the "wrong crowd" very easily. That is the potential problem. What can I do?

There has to be something that he can become involved with where he has a reason to succeed. On a shallow ground, for us it is Porsche (I think most of us understand the relative importance of all the different things in our lives.) In this situation "it" needs to be something (or several) that he can become committed to.

What is "it"?

Clearly it might be best to find something he has prior connection to. On the other hand, perhaps greatest success can come from something new. I don't see it being religious, he is very skeptical with anything there. He is not particularly technical, I don't see him learning to be a mechanic. My thought, given his concrete skills, is something like Habitat For Humanity.

I'm going to contact that group in this "new city" and see if I can find someone to help with this. This is ideally a combination of service to others and applying his trade. The people he will meet are clearly into helping others.

What other possible solutions can THE PELICAN OT FORUM suggest?

Best,
Grady

I hate to bring this into the discussion...but have you though about church? Although it is not the "cup of tea" for many...zealous church groups are very good at fixing this type of problem...they have endless opportunities for free involvement and will eat up a lot of free time with free activities that are reasonably safe and wholesome...and are an "instant family." IMHO, the baggage that comes with this is miniscule compared to the problems that he has now and it divides the work to get him straightened out and keep him there among many. It would work much better in a smaller town and away from his current "friends."

This is a big problem because if I understand correctly his drug of choice is alcohol and anywhere you go there are going to bars and the pseudo friends he can make there.

I know AA is religious to some degree but some groups are less so... or maybe alanon... IMHO he needs to find a non alcoholic social activity. Is he into the outdoors? the Sierra club has a lot of healthy activities.

distance can help , if there is a clear agitator
worked for me , i needed distance from my own mum

went incomunicado for 3 straight years, only recently reconnected with the familly , not my mum, i can be in the same room ,but i will not talk, there's no point in doing so

but that's a case of a close relation ship that simply was destructive, that's the only reason why it was necessary

that's just one way for one problem
there are many ways and each problem/person needs his own tailormade combination of luck and coincidence...


how about a pet? does he like animals? beeing alone in the evening , nobody to go home to is a mental killer, having one little critter waiting for you at home makes a huge difference...

does he eat well? good food isn't difficult to make , takes some time, cooking can be therapeutic in it's own right... make soup, vitamins.... nobody will feel right on a diet of junkfood...

scottmandue,
Thanks, good suggestions. I’ll contact our local Sierra Club and Colorado Mountain Club. When NV was a young teen we went climbing and fishing a lot. Two weeks ago at our first meeting, I brought images of his fishing and trek experiences. I got a very positive response.


Stijn,
Great suggestion. I’ll feel out if he likes cats, dogs other. This may be a reason to make it to the next day. It can also have the counter-incentive to see jail an alternative – no pets.

No, he doesn’t eat well. I see curing that as a real positive. He needs to understand about nutrition. I’m going to try and connect the necessity of budgeting his food stamps with eating right. Perhaps lubemaster can help. (Remember last summer we all discussed how to eat right for $3/day.)


fintstone,
I have seriously considered religious organizations. NV seems repulsed in that environment. His mother was raised a Catholic. I don’t know what any of the issues are there. If that were to be an option, I’m willing to consider everything to have him succeed.

Guys,
Please keep the suggestions coming. SH, your email have been very helpful.


Best,
Grady