Very sorry to hear this Jim. Just remember, things will get a little better each day. Stay busy with the car project and let the healing process start........

I think the first big step you need to take is "Acceptance." You need to, in your mind and heart, try to view things objectively and accept that this is over. You just can't move on until you do that, and you need to move on. My sense is that even now, you haven't fully accepted this.

I think you also should look at the positives in this situation. It is very positive that you don't have any spawn with this woman. That, of course, complicates things 100 fold. Without kids, an adult marriage is little more than glorified dating.

Also, this seems like it was a fairly "short term" marriage, both in layman's terms and in legal terms. My guess is she doesn't really have any claims against you (alimony, future support, etc). You'd know that better than me, though. In any event, she seems like she just wants to walk away, all the better. It looks like this can, should and hopefully will be a fairly clean break.

Finally, another huge positive is you are a good, successful man. At "our" age, that's a pretty rare commodity, and there are a lot of women who would jump at that opportunity. In other words, there's a lot of fish in that sea, and some pretty nice ones, too. I'd suggest getting yourself back out there sooner rather than later.

You've got a lot of people pulling for you!

I'm not a church goer, but that or any community happenings where there are marrieds and singles would be a healthy enterprise.

As I mentioned earlier, having friends and acquaintances to enjoy beats the time alone in the house every way I can think of.

Jim,
I doubt McLovin meant get out there & find another marriage relationship ASAP. Maybe he did. I've only been married twice and divorced once, and I'm perfectly happy with my wife now, but I'm the kind of guy that can be happy on my own too. I was out there for a long time as a single person for a couple of reasons. First I'm pretty picky about picking a woman to be married to as evidenced by the fact I didn't get married until I was 32 (that plus my life was in constant flux) the first time and second, it was 13 years before I married again. I went through quite a few women and had several I lived with for quite awhile. My first view of "getting out there" is that women are people just like we are. I always looked at them as friends, most with benefits, but some just as friends. I liked to do things/activities with them as the first priority. I think if you do that as your first priority, life in the world with women is much better, fun, less stressful, etc., etc. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy some short, hot, sexy stands with any. But the important thing is to not be out there "looking" first thing off the bat. The important thing is to have fun!

Take some time for yourself, Jim. Another relationship will happen in time.

In between my divorce and meeting my 2nd wife I didn't date anyone. (Sure, there were some nights that sucked but my friends and family were there and I survived.)

The time without a companion was very therapeutic for me. Without going through what I did, I could never appreciate what I have now.

+ 1000 You have to mourn before you can move on.

Ian

Oh, absolutely not, on the first two sentence. Absolutely yes on the third!

I've been married 20 years, first wife, but at our age, if I became widowed, no way in the world I'd get married again. Date? For sure! Date someone exclusively? Maybe. Live with someone? Probably. Married? No way. I don't see the point of that at our age.

My point was simply that he needs to resolve in his mind to move on from this current person, finally and irrevocably.

You are absolutely right. I actually wasn't thinking of getting married again either, but glad I did.
There seems to be two basic groups on this thread. Most are being supportive of his attempts to work things out, basically saying they are hopeful and supportive that whatever he attempts works out. The second and smaller group seems to be saying for him to get the hell out of there and get a life without being abused, punished and belittled. In reality, I don't think he's listening to the second group at all. It reminds me of the things they say about a spouse in an abusive relationship rationalizing staying in that relationship. I think he's a great guy. He has shown us intelligence, experience, and great judgement and ability in his career. In the relationship he has shown great loyalty, faith in the idea of being able to work things through, and patience, and (I guess)love. But I'm frankly puzzled why he seems to be paralyzed when it comes to making decisions based on at least somewhat rational analysis of a situation that has been going on so long. Sorry to sort of talk about you, Jim, in a third person way. Just giving my real thoughts.

Sorry to hear the situation went that way Jim. There is a lot of good advice here.
Sandy

I check this thread a few times a day and am astounded by the intelligence and compassion...perhaps we need sniper back to add some perspective;) In any event I appreciate the showing of empathy by you all.

One comment about why I just don't bag it and move on? I can describe my approach to relationships in terms of my reputation when I was racing...I was known to be the guy that when completely crossed up and heading to the wall I never stopped trying to gather it up and save it. I made some pretty impressive saves along the way (some likely by sheer luck). And others I just couldn't pull it out and paid the price for not playing it safe. That's the way I roll (a subtle reference to my infamous 6 revolution barrel roll down pit lane off the bridge turn at Road Atlanta.):D

As I think I stated earlier, for right now I'm doing nothing to end or salvage the relationship. Rest assured I AM taking actions to protect myself emotionally, physically and legally. Not burying my head in the sand or in denial...just taking care of me for a change. And in so doing I feel in many ways the weight of the world is off my shoulders.

There will time to grieve. But for right now I'm just trying to learn to enjoy myself without worrying about anyone else. It's been a while. Just resting up and gathering strength for what the future holds regardless of the outcome.

No question about it, I do love my wife dearly. But that doesn't mean the marriage can or should survive.

Is that like a monkey roll??

Best,
Tom

Nope. You're doing it right. And the last statement is the truth and one several of us have faced. It's one that you and at least one other guy on the board are facing.

Personal experience here. Move on!!

Hey, when are we getting an update on the room monkeys' divorce?

Nothing has changed. The criminal court case is still in dither mode but he just got the OK to start communicating through lawyers for divorce. He has a new girlfriend - Asian of course. A landed immigrant & near citizen with a good job & a 2 BR condo. All good. She is from the north - Harbin - but her parents live & work in Shenzhen. She bought a C Series Benz 2 days before a 5 week trip home & gave him the car to use while she was gone. It is parked in our drive more than her condo since she doesn't like to drive . . .

He is still living with us :mad: until the case is decided - or until I have had enough.

Ian

Hey Jim, I've read a few pages of this thread and am sorry. Read a page sounded bad, read another, sounded good then bad again. You're a good man for trying & trying & trying.
In one post you said you decided to stay completely out of the twins/mother decisions hoping this would help defuse things . I remember another thread you started concerning the twins and you were accused of not caring when you did that before. Sounds like you're damned if you do damned if you don't.
I was fortunate that my divorce a few years ago was very civil. We are still close actually. You can love someone without being able to live with them.
Hang in there work on that awesome car and start racing again!!

Sorry for the situation you're in Jim... But ya know, this thread aside, you're an intelligent, good hearted, loving and fun loving guy.... you sir deserve to be with someone for the rest of your life that will reciprocate what you would bring into the relationship.... it really doesn't seem from my end anyways that you are getting in return what you are investing.... You don't strike me as someone who would take this abuse from a retailer or car dealership.... Why would you accept this abuse from a spouse... yes, being treated like a yo yo is a form of abuse... it leaves bruises and scars on the heart man... Personally, I think you deserve better... I wish your current spouse could be this person for you because I know you really love her... but we can't change folks and it seems like she may of had leaving on her mind for a while... just remember my friend, you will always be a Shepard boy until your Goliath comes around....

Sorry to hear Jim.

I finally packed it in after a long seperation. It hasn't been easy. But I think we are both better off.

At my text request, wife dropped off a copy of the house keys (I never even kept a set as wwe rarely locked house since there were always someone here). I was under the 911 power washing the under carriage/engine/tranny etc.

On a very positive note, the underside of my car looks awesome. :D Also fitted and trial mounted rear fg bumper...trying to devise a quick removal system because it makes it working underneath more open.

Good to hear you are doing well, Jim...

If ya ever wanna come up to OK for a weekend let me know... Could come hit up our autocross, and shoot some spoons!

Might just do that, Sid. Have to be in the Fall as the 911 is sans A/C now. Thanks for the invite.

Was thinking about her and the GFs... What are the chances that she has decided to start batting for the hometeam? Might explain her desire to be around them more than you...

Well, if it fuels your imagination...

From my experience, it doesn't have anything to do with switch hitting. More about various clocks ticking, and a desire to be understood.

Guess I could have worded that differently.... That wasn't coming from a fantasy... Just a thought about why she would be pushing Jim away, letting the gfs be in the marital bed late at night etc....

Offbase young grasshoppa'.

About 5 p.m. received a text she and one of her dtrs need to come by house to pick up some clothes: "Me and JJ need to come by tom and get some clothes"

Oh the drama:rolleyes:

Haven't responded yet but I think "OK" is enough. When I get around to it.

Was just throwing something out there...


Tell her they will be out on the lawn... ;)

Maybe in another time...right now I'm sticking to me gameplan to preserve my sanity and doing nothing. The last thing she would expect from me given our history.

Dueller,

Sorry to hear this but i have to say that given the investment of your spirit and time, Marv is right. As painful as it could be, you need to take the initiative and put her behind you. If she doesnt know what she wants or whatever is going through her head, she sure as hell doesn't have a clue how to take care of you. Move on brother you deserve respect and it sounds like your not getting it in this marriage.

Dan

Good for you. It is business now. Treat all meetings & communications like a slightly distasteful - but professional - business situation. Never yell or argue - just walk away or hangup. Nothing will be gained if you debase yourself.

Ian

Have you changed the locks on the house? If not you need to get that done ASAP! She moved out and if you let her just come in and out at her whim you are telling her she is still in control of the situation. If you just let her come in to "get some clothes" you best be there or she may decide she needs a few other items in addition to clothes.

Hey Dueller, I've been reading along but until now didn't have anything of value to add. Even now this may not be worth much. But you say you love her dearly still. Well bro I carried such love for my ex long after she bailed on me and it prolonged my agony for far to long. I know you can't just stop loving someone but please, for your sake, try to let go of her. You deserve to be happy brother. FWIW.

Agree and its more that she is not the same woman that Jim married. Time changes things, especially with the womans "change of life" time.

This happened to me and she simply was not the same person. Am still good friends with the Mother in Law and family, and they say the same.

Make a smooth as possible break and move on with your life. You have given it more of a chance than most would have done.

I agree on changing the locks. You need to take control and maintain control.

As far as sending her a text back. Don't. She needs to phone you. I would ignore texts and only speak by phone. Anything written can and will be used in a court of law.

Geez, it has been 12 years now. Technology changes, people don't.

IF things are really over, the turning point is when she turns mean. It will suck more than anything to see someone who you may still love, turn against you, lie to you to hurt you, etc. Do not assume that even if you are on good terms now, that it will stay that way.

Jim, you are a good guy. I know how you feel. I am similar. And I'm an engineer. I think I can fix ANYTHING! Some things you can't fix.

No matter what, we're here for ya.

And do not think that this will not happen. My ex- was really a good friend and things stayed that way until she got in a relationship with another guy.

All of a sudden the boyfriend was telling her to "go after that rich pilot and get everything you can get" was the new outlook. Back when we were friendly she begged me when I moved out to leave the Bang & Olufsen stereo I bought before we were married. I trusted her at that time and was hoping that the marriage could be saved, but it was a $10,000 mistake. Four years later my lawyer finally got it back after I found the receipt showing the purchase date. My ex delivered it to his office, dropped it on the floor and walked out. Nothing in the agreement with the court said that it had to be in one piece or work...

99% of the time the other half will change and it will not be for the good. CYA!

When you figure out how to extinguish the feelings on demand, bottle it and put it on eBay. Women and men alike could use some.

That was my exact situation as well. The problem, I wasn't rich and there was little to fight over. She took things that rightfully were mine. I didn't care. It was more important for the thing to be over with, quickly, and move on.

Not I didn't still have feeling for her, just that we knew we couldn't keep a relationship together.

Milt, they already make the opposite of what you are talking about. You know, the stuff that makes these feelings come alive.

Its called BOOZE!

James,

My problem was that at that time (and not now either) was not "well to do" but doing ok in life. It was not that I wanted the stereo that much but I would be dammed if I was going to let her have it.

I am still in touch with her Brother and family and make sure that they know how well I am doing in life. Its revenge at its sweetest...

Then you haven't let go.

You know how to let go? Find the real person in that person you thought you knew. We don't really know what we think we know when it comes to people, even mates.

When you find that other person in your love interest, you won't like that person.

Now, that ain't all. Love and hate are similar if not the same emotions in terms of intensity. What you are looking for is indifference.

So, don't look too deep. ;)

for the most part, i think women are just evil. They can call it up any time they wish too...just evil.

Guess I have to count my blessings. Ran into an acquaintance who was in a similar situation as mine. I.e., married woman with three kids, none of his own, did everything to make their life better, became close to kids, then divorce after 16 months. And this poor schmuck bought her a 300K house trying to woo her back...against advice of counsel. While we were commiserating, my phone rang twice with invites from friends to get together for dinner. This guy just dropped his head saying "At least you have a support group...I have no one...my family has ostracized me and none of my friends will talk to me about it.' rEALLY SAD SITUATION.

No contact with wife. Got an email from cruise line that she has made reservation for spring break cruise in 3/11...going to Belize with twin dtrs, their bf's, and bf's mothers. What a trainwreck:rolleyes:

Headed to Atlanta later today with a bud. Gonna stop at Barbar Motorcycle museum in B'ham on the way back. Will post pics.