Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..."

[924slover]

Originally Posted by MBAtarga

When my wife does the same thing above, my solution is to ask her another question - the question that she IS answering. That's when she realizes that she's not answering my question:


Her:
"Can you pick me up from the train?"

Me:
Sure, what time does it get in?

Her:
"Well it leaves at X.XXpm."

Me:
OK, what time does it leave?

...a quizzical look, a few seconds pause, then a smile from her ...

Her:
"oh - it should be in about y.yypm"

my girlfriend would be even more confused, she isnt the quickest......

[dentist90]

This train stuff is funny. Sad, but funny.

I felt like saying "I wish those Jenny Craig lessons were paying off..." But I didn't

I'm obviously no councillor, but I think it's over. What's the word they use... toxic?

[artplumber]

Originally Posted by m21sniper

You're just being overly negative!!!
~Art Plumber

Sadly, as i've stated, i agree with Angela.

On a related note, my morbid fascination with this crazed knife wielding woman seems to grow with every post of hers that i read....

Snipe, get some empathy. I know that's hard, but maybe you should give it a try instead of showing off your one trick pony. Oh, and feel free to go off somewhere and post another 15000x on cops and guns.

Mike, the conversation above this goober post from you know who, shows how you perceive things, vs what she perceives. Rather than give her vagueness, give her all the detail as others have suggested. Could she be latching on to the vagueness as exclusion? She already feels excluded from what is happening daily because of her loss of vision. Is it possible that she could feel you and the kids are already planning for life without her? Is it that hard to say, "we were talking about how it will be hard because of the schedule... blah blah?"

She has obviously not learned to fight "fairly". Is the same true of you? Maybe it's time to at least fight fair for your half of the discussion. Are you still seeing the counselor? Don't worry about sarcastic comments, at least she heard something that the counselor had to say to both of you.

As a side note, hopefully, this doesn't continue to be a "game face" issue. You want these pieces/attitudes to happen naturally so that you don't have to think about it. Thinking about the retaliatory Jenny Craig statement is not fair fighting. You have got to keep it about each separate issue, that way you don't up the ante with every statement. Doing so escalates every disagreement and even every misunderstanding. That way lies danger and divorce. Got to not try to be the "winner" but strive for understanding. I am not suggesting being a "yes dear" kind of guy, but really striving for understanding. Understanding drives to empathy.

[M.D. Holloway]

Peter while I agree with you it is not that easy to change your initial thoughts. Maybe its the ol Id playing havok. I do have some anger towards her for sure. I really do have to get that understood and controlled before my thoughts will turn from nasty to understanding.

[MFAFF]

Lube,

Sorry to hear you and the family are having such a hard time...
May I suggest one thing that you (and to an extent your wife) may need to bear in mind... the loss of sight means the loss of a valuable, rapid and immensely important way of communication.

Much of what we say is supported or explained or clarified by our actions... to diminish that avenue is to lose lots of information and so communication become harder.

If you consider this aspect then the verbal side of communication has to evolve to include all of that information. So to speak differently, in tone, content, pattern etc is an essential way of maintaining the flow of information. It might also help soothe egos that feel changing things is a sign of weakness or acceptance.

Just a thought.

[M.D. Holloway]

True yet it is exceptionally tough when there is zero indication she wants me even around save the occasional errand run. I am living with a person who really hates me and the best I can figuer is that I wasn't there for her emotionally 100% of the time.

She brought up the idea of divorce again this weekend - in front of the kids. That went as expected. I really wish she wouldn't do that and I have mentioned it but to no avail.

It took me 45 minutes to calm our daughter down.

I have taken emotion out of all our conversations as well as any aggressive tones. I display no negativity and admit mistakes or shortcomings when confrounted. What is totally insane is her claim that I am breaking her down or picking a fight. I have been completely conscience as to the content and tone I take and am under the impression that she percieves reality completely different than me and I am pretty confident the rest of the world would agree.

[motion]

You know, I would like to think that most people would take a hit like this somewhat graciously, and make the best of the situation, given they have many more years of life left, and other people are there to love them and be loved. I know that I personally would just do what I can to make the best of the situation and continue to have a happy and productive life. After all, you are still alive and surrounded by your family.

The fact that she is so bitter and full of hate tells me there is a huge sense of entitlement here. She feels ripped off and doesn't deserve this. She deserves more in life. Unfortunately, that is often not the way life works. We all hit roadblocks large and small in the course of life. She is not being gracious at all.

Mike, the kids are now involved in this heavily. It doesn't sound like she's going to change. I think this comes from deep within her. It may be time to start damage mitigation and remove the kids from the environment.

[Tishabet]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

She brought up the idea of divorce again this weekend - in front of the kids.

WTF!?!?! I mean, that's just cruelty... why would anyone do that?

[M.D. Holloway]

It is sad, our little cries and says "I just want to have a regualr family, a normal one!" Mommy says "Well thats not going to be the case."

The sad thing also is that our little one does exceptionally well in school. She was crying and telling me that "This makes me so sad I don't think I can think about anything else and I know I will think of this in school and I won't think of anything else and my grades are going to go down..." This brought me to tears. She takes incredable pride at her ability and we have always looked to nurture it and have never ever pressured her to do well (like we do our Son). It just comes natural to her.

The level of hate I have for her is growing. I don't care what she says to me but that crap she pulls in front of the kids is unacceptable. I pull them aside and say to them that we are trying to make things work and that everyday we try to make it a better day.

She would look to destroy everything we (I) have worked for. And for what? Does she want another guy? OK, Great! Find another man I wonl;t stop you heck I will even look to introduce you! Does she want me out of her life entirely? Not as long as the kids are shared. Does she want me to do stuff for her? Alrerady do it. Does she want we there emotionally? Nope, not gonna happen - I can't stand her. Plain and simple.

I'll go through the motions and will not engage in any agressive behavoir or even raise my voice but I have zero energy to provide her any sort of emotional support. I have been shyt on for too long.

Motion - when we were in So Cal, she had a serious pissy and refused to meet you guys. We didn't have plans that night and I told her well in advance but it was something I wanted to do and that was good enough for her not wanting too.

[Heel n Toe]

Lubey, the two of you should continue going to counseling, if at all possible... if she absolutely won't go, maybe you and the kids go. You need a professional's insight or this is gonna consume you and the kids from the inside out... your wife is extremely emotionally dysfunctional.

And that is putting it mildly.

She is toxic.

Is there a possibility of sending her to stay with some relatives or friends for a couple of weeks? I know you said you have to travel for work fairly frequently... can you do this when you are not travelling so you and the kids can have a bit of a reprieve?

Make some calls... arrange it without her input... get the friend/s or relative/s to okay it and set it up, then tell her you and they think it is best for everyone to take a break.

Then make it happen. It is not subject to her approval... she has proven her wishes are to poison everything.

The kids are to be with you that whole time... it would defeat the purpose for them to spend time with her during that "break." She's so toxic right now, and they need some down time from that.

[M.D. Holloway]

Our little one told me about a dream she had - a scary dream. She said that her and her brother were in a museum and that Mommy and Daddy had been killed at home and that they were trying to figure out how to get through the museum. Talk about symbolism!

[Heel n Toe]

Write that down. Probably a good idea to start documenting stuff like that. Maybe get a small mini-cassette recorder (or some other kind that records onto a chip)... something that you can turn on without it making a click, so when something comes up that you think may bring out a heavy dose of dysfunction from her, you can record it.

Something like this, maybe: C. Crane Company - CC Witness - Toll Free (800) 522-8863

Maybe just for documentation... unless a therapist/counselor tells you specifically to play it for her to demonstrate to her how out of control and dysfunctional she sounds, it would probably make her angry if she knew you were recording her for any reason.

If I were you, I think I would get all the knives out of the kitchen/house. She really sounds messed up, and at this point, without further evaluation, who knows if she could take a hard turn for the worse.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

It is sad, our little cries and says "I just want to have a regualr family, a normal one!" Mommy says "Well thats not going to be the case."

If my wife said that to my kid she'd be my ex-wife pretty frigging quick.

Originally Posted by artplumber

Snipe, get some empathy. I know that's hard, but maybe you should give it a try instead of showing off your one trick pony. Oh, and feel free to go off somewhere and post another 15000x on cops and guns.

One trick pony? Sort of like you and your personal attacks?

LOL, whatever.

PS: When you're reduced to insulting someone over their post count you really have nothing, and should probably just shaddup.

Originally Posted by dentist90

I'm obviously no councillor, but I think it's over. What's the word they use... toxic?

Originally Posted by motion

Mike, the kids are now involved in this heavily. It doesn't sound like she's going to change. I think this comes from deep within her. It may be time to start damage mitigation and remove the kids from the environment.

Quitters.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by MBAtarga

When my wife does the same thing above, my solution is to ask her another question - the question that she IS answering. That's when she realizes that she's not answering my question:


Her:
"Can you pick me up from the train?"

Me:
Sure, what time does it get in?

Her:
"Well it leaves at X.XXpm."

Me:
OK, what time does it leave?

...a quizzical look, a few seconds pause, then a smile from her ...

Her:
"oh - it should be in about y.yypm"

That's pretty slick, i'll have to try that.

[gassy]

Mike,
My heart goes out to you and your kids.

[oldE]

Mike,

I haven't gotten into this, but I thought knowing one more friend is out there can't hurt.

I haven't lived with the woman, but I'm guessing her talking about divorce is a plea for you and the kids to prove how much you love her and fight to keep her. The extreme end of "In sickness and in health..etc." It is certainly tough on you and the kids, but in her struggle to come to terms with her new reality (don't forget the stages through denial to acceptance) she is lashing out at the things logic tells us to cling to. It goes against almost everything we hold dear that a mother would harm her children in any way. One reaction is to make comments like the one above which do not deal with the situation but create more turmoil.

I agree she needs counseling, as do you all. The sad thing is you cannot fix her attitude toward her life and the changes she is undergoing. She must come to that herself, hopefully with your help and support.

I hope for the best for all of you.

Les

[Scuba Steve]

Originally Posted by Heel n Toe

Write that down. Probably a good idea to start documenting stuff like that. Maybe get a small mini-cassette recorder (or some other kind that records onto a chip)... something that you can turn on without it making a click, so when something comes up that you think may bring out a heavy dose of dysfunction from her, you can record it.

Something like this, maybe: C. Crane Company - CC Witness - Toll Free (800) 522-8863

Maybe just for documentation... unless a therapist/counselor tells you specifically to play it for her to demonstrate to her how out of control and dysfunctional she sounds, it would probably make her angry if she knew you were recording her for any reason.

If I were you, I think I would get all the knives out of the kitchen/house. She really sounds messed up, and at this point, without further evaluation, who knows if she could take a hard turn for the worse.

Quoted for truth - both the recorder and knives! This sounds more and more like someone that's given up on life and wants to take down anyone nearby along with them.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by oldE

I haven't lived with the woman, but I'm guessing her talking about divorce is a plea for you and the kids to prove how much you love her and fight to keep her.

Either that or she wants a divorce.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

IMHO the time for counseling is over. Time to lawyer up.

[artplumber]

Originally Posted by m21sniper

If my wife said that to my kid she'd be my ex-wife pretty frigging quick.


One trick pony? Sort of like you and your personal attacks?

LOL, whatever.

PS: When you're reduced to insulting someone over their post count you really have nothing, and should probably just shaddup.

Funny, you can say "shaddup", but it's a personal attack if I encourage you to get some empathy or go post on other threads... Obviously, not "whatever" to you....

Mike,
Listen to oldE. She is testing (in a most unpleasant fashion I grant you) what are the limits. It is not fair or nice fighting. And I bet if anyone on this website was blind for a day they'd be pretty PO'ed - especially if that was that was going to last their lifetimes. Can't drive, have to relearn reading, writing, typing, using a calculator, (depending on level of severity) walking independently. And if people move things around in the house, you can't find anything. It is much worse than losing a leg or an arm. Try not using your dominant thumb for a day as well....

PS Mike, about the JCraig thing. I know it's hard to make that a part of your life, just keep at it.