Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..."

[Heel n Toe]

Lubey, these two are inconsistent:

Her: "When the kids were born, you had me keep track of what they ate, when they ate, when they pee'd or pooped and when they slept..."

You: "I never asked you to do anything..."

Or maybe I'm misunderstanding something.



One mo' time... try to arrange a two-week separation from her with her staying at relatives' or friends' home, and get all the knives out of the house.

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

Now not for nothing but if she wanted to go dry I would never ever pressure her to drink.

Just went back a page and read a few posts I hadn't seen yet.

Serious question based on a possible reading-between-the-lines of what you said: does your wife consume a lot of alcohol?

[m21sniper]

I would actually point the finger of guilt at 2 factors.

1) She is obviously going through menopause
2) She is blind and going through menopause

[motion]

Mike, did you really keep a spreadsheet with that data? Dude, I find that really odd. I was a very hands-on single dad, and I never came close to doing something like that. I gotta just read between the lines here and say that you both have your issues. You 2 really need time apart to work through them and become healthy again.

[M.D. Holloway]

I keep track because the docs told us to do that with him. It wasn't like I was being all sorts of weird about it. This was my second go at it and he had a rough birth. I was doing some record keeping. In retrospect it does seem odd I will admit that but I just didn't want to miss anything and I wanted to be part of it all. The only way I thought I could be part of it was to do what I do which is understand data and make sense of it.

I should have clearified my statement about nver asking her to do anything - I never barked orders at her to clean or cook or anythung like that.

I will agree with you, I am a bit out there with some of my ideas and theories but one thing I am not is mean, quirky as all get out and some would even say I am excentric but I am not mean.

As for her drinking, I don't think she drinks more than I see her but then again I have no idea what goes on at the house when I am not home. She doesn't show any indications of being a drunk. I have seen her swill, she is a bit of a lightweight.

[Dueller]

I'm really at a loss for advice. But as you all are probably aware from my litany of prior relationship posts I've been thru a relationship crisis with my wife (tho we seem to have weathered the worst of it).

I went to counseling for myself and discovered a few things:

1) Most anger comes from being hurt or rejected. Anger is a valid emotion. How you react/behave when angry is usually the problem whether you hold it in or explode in rage.

2) I too was accused of being controlling and in denial about it. WTF? I didn't dictate to my wife what she could or couldn't do, where she could go, how to spend money, etc etc. But I discovered I wanted to control situations, outcomes, her attitudes/feelings, etc. That is just as much a control problem as dictating who she sees/what she does. In essence I discovered I was trying to control situations/things (often indirectly) to make her happy, more loving, etc. I finally realized the only persons emotions I can control are my own. And I can't be responsible for another persons happiness or misery.

3) I am often too hard on myself taking blame for everything that was not right in other peoples lives. I need to give myself a break a bit more often.

4) Setting my own boundaries about what I will or will not accept in relationships is not selfish...in fact its pretty damn healthy.

5) When you try to be the kinight in white shining armor, that armor gets pretty damn heavy and hot. Shed it.

[m21sniper]

I am a knight in shining nothing.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by m21sniper

I am a knight in shining nothing.

Surfing porn naked and eating Cheeto's again, Snipe? That explains the orange Johnson

[Rot 911]

Mike there is no doubt your wife is to blame for many things, but I think you need to shoulder some responsibility. We know everything she has done, but only have your side of things. Go to a counselor and talk it over with them. See what insight they may have. I am not saying try and talk the wife into it. Just go on your own.

[Rot 911]

I wanted to make this a separate post. My mom and dad never fought in front of us kids, but they must have had some serious arguments that we never were able to hear. One night, I think I must have been in the 6th grade, my Mom rushed in to our room in the middle of the night telling us kids to get up that our dad was leaving. I will never forget all of us in the kitchen pleading with him to stay. We didn't even know what was going on, but we knew it was bad and we were all scared and crying. It truly is burned into my memory. I can completely visualize it right now and it all most brings me to tears to do so almost 40 some odd years later.

The point is this Mike, your kids have heard things almost as bad, or maybe just as bad. They will never forget what is going on right now. One of you fukking adults needs to take control and give your kids a normal life. Although it will never be completely normal considering what has happened so far. But how much more do you want them to go through? Tell me Mike, how much more?

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

I don't think she drinks more than I see her but then again I have no idea what goes on at the house when I am not home. She doesn't show any indications of being a drunk. I have seen her swill, she is a bit of a lightweight.

If she is going through menopause or pre-menopause and has a chemical imbalance that needs to be medicated and is able to hide her drinking and is the type drinker who gets mean/angry on top of that, it would explain a lot about her actions/moods.

Is there a way she could get alcohol brought to her so you wouldn't know about it? Her not being able to see sorta cuts down on her options since she can't drive anywhere.

Next time she is out of the house and you are home, do some looking in nooks and crannies in closets and drawers and under beds. You know what I'm talking about.



But if she doesn't have a drinking problem, the rest of whatever is going on is enough that I still say you need to set up a break where she is somewhere else for a couple of weeks and you should get the knives out of the house.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by Dueller

Surfing porn naked and eating Cheeto's again, Snipe? That explains the orange Johnson

If the cheetos fit...

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by Kurt V

I wanted to make this a separate post. My mom and dad never fought in front of us kids, but they must have had some serious arguments that we never were able to hear. One night, I think I must have been in the 6th grade, my Mom rushed in to our room in the middle of the night telling us kids to get up that our dad was leaving. I will never forget all of us in the kitchen pleading with him to stay. We didn't even know what was going on, but we knew it was bad and we were all scared and crying. It truly is burned into my memory. I can completely visualize it right now and it all most brings me to tears to do so almost 40 some odd years later.

The point is this Mike, your kids have heard things almost as bad, or maybe just as bad. They will never forget what is going on right now. One of you fukking adults needs to take control and give your kids a normal life. Although it will never be completely normal considering what has happened so far. But how much more do you want them to go through? Tell me Mike, how much more?

Reading posts like this...........Mike, you HAVE to do something.

[m21sniper]

Stop being negative.

[M.D. Holloway]

KurtV - I understand what you are saying and I do shoulder the responcibility for the stuff that has gone down. Yes, I could have 'been there' for her more and yes I prolly do control situations for positive outcomes.

Our relationship goes through peaks and valleys - when it is at a peak there is nothing better but when it hits the skids it is worse then anything. The problem is we are in a valley we can't get out of. When at peak it seemed like we wouldn't think that we had issues and that the rest of the world was f'kn crazy except us. Thats not the case anymore.

As for walking out, she has tried a few times - the most memorable was on Mothers Day - that brought the kids to tears. She also has tried that a few other times as well.

I took our Son to Football practice last night. He was doing well then he started losing his focus. The coaches were a bit purplexed. He is one of the best players on the team. He hits great, blocks great and rushes like John Riggins. I had told the coaches that we were going through so tough things at home and that he may not always respond to negitive tactics - he responds real well to positive reinforcement which they do very well. In the car on the way home I asked about school to which he shared that he just didnlt like it anymore.

"Why don't you like school, is there something going on - Kids, work?"

"I just don't like it - I can't think right. I keep thinking about stuff."

"Like what?"

"I just keep thinking about you and mom."

"I understand, I'm not going to tell you that things well be fine and I won't tell you things are going to get worse - I don't know what will happen but I will tell you that we have to keep talking to eachother. What I do know is that school, Scouts, Football, Piano are all teaching you life lessons that will be used for use later in life. These problems that the family is going through are bad but we will get through it."

[M.D. Holloway]

I spoke to her last night behind closed doors about not being negitive or picking a fight in front of the kids - she had no response.

This AM on my whay into work I called her and repeated my plea to which she said she didn't care and to stop bullying her. I told her in no uncertain terms that her actions and words would not be tolerated - that she couls shyt on me all she wanted just not in front of the kids. She snickered and said "So your threatening me now?" "Call ti what you want but youir behavior will not be tolerated." I kept it cool - emotionless.

I placed a call to my lawyer....

[dtw]

Good, Mike! This damage to the kids has to get turned around, and now. From your posts over the years, they sound like really sweet kids, it is heartbreaking to hear about the impact this is having on them.

For what it is worth, every time you report in on this thread, usually results in an extra-big hug and kiss for my daughter.

[dhoward]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

I spoke to her last night behind closed doors about not being negitive or picking a fight in front of the kids - she had no response.

This AM on my whay into work I called her and repeated my plea to which she said she didn't care and to stop bullying her. I told her in no uncertain terms that her actions and words would not be tolerated - that she couls shyt on me all she wanted just not in front of the kids. She snickered and said "So your threatening me now?" "Call ti what you want but youir behavior will not be tolerated." I kept it cool - emotionless.

I placed a call to my lawyer....

Now you're getting somewhere. It's a hard first step, but she needs to know you mean business, and will not tolerate her behaviour anymore. You don't HAVE to.
Now, she can either put up, or shut up. If she decides to put up, it's been a long time coming. If she decides to shut up, make no uncertain terms that she will pursue counselling.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

I spoke to her last night behind closed doors about not being negitive or picking a fight in front of the kids - she had no response.

This AM on my whay into work I called her and repeated my plea to which she said she didn't care and to stop bullying her. I told her in no uncertain terms that her actions and words would not be tolerated - that she couls shyt on me all she wanted just not in front of the kids. She snickered and said "So your threatening me now?" "Call ti what you want but youir behavior will not be tolerated." I kept it cool - emotionless.

I placed a call to my lawyer....

We're all here with you bro.

[Gogar]

Save yourself and your kids.