Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..."

[M.D. Holloway]

Her Mom told her she was coming down which I think made her happy then she talked to her sister. Her sister told her I called her Mom. Needless to say she is pretty made at me. Not sure why her sister did that - hidden agenda?

Anyway, she freaken tonight because I took the dog for a long walk and decided to smoke a cigar - nice Monticristo cabinet. She cried saying that she didn't know who I was anymore.

Tomorrow is our 12th anniversary. This will be interesting.

[Oh Haha]

Man, you really need to get some third party professional help for the family. I'm just so sorry for you in that it isn't something you can fix easily.

Prayers and good thoughts to you, Mike.

Happy Anniversary. Make it the best you can.

[ruf-porsche]

Originally Posted by tabs

As men we have to buck up and take it on.

This is a LOAD...

This is a recipe for a Heart Attack and the grave before you are 60. I had a Great Uncle in EXACTLY the same situation. Great Aunt was going blind they were in SF for medical treatment, he dropped dead of a HA right in the hotel lobby. ..........

Quote from Grumpy Old men "Lucky Bastard".

[onewhippedpuppy]

I do believe I'd be having a sit-down with the sister.

[CRH911S]

LubeMaster77, I would encourage you to read "How to Solve Our Human Problems," by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. It's a short book with emphasis on the Four Noble Truths, including why we get angry and learning to accept suffering.
Westerners have limited understanding of Karma, and it's far too extensive a subject for me to get into here. An essential element of any religious path is faith; and as a Buddhist in general practice we are taught, basically, that suffering is due to a non-virtuous action in a previous life. How previous? Time is beginingless. We are fortunate to have taken residence in the human realm and that is why it is important, now, to have compassion for all living beings and to engage in the path toward enlightenment.
You are welcome to my copy of the book as well as another on Buddha Shakyamuni.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

Her Mom told her she was coming down which I think made her happy then she talked to her sister. Her sister told her I called her Mom. Needless to say she is pretty made at me. Not sure why her sister did that - hidden agenda?

Time to lay the smackdown on sis. She doesn't have to live with your family, so she does not get the privilege of trying to overturn the apple cart.

Anyway, she freaken tonight because I took the dog for a long walk and decided to smoke a cigar - nice Monticristo cabinet. She cried saying that she didn't know who I was anymore.

I wouldn't worry about that one--my wife has pulled the same thing about my gun collecting. My guess is that it is just a female attempt at manipulation/control. Sure does rattle you at first, though.

Happy anniversary, FWIW. I second (third? fourth?) the recommendation to get counseling. Especially for her. Hell, just stick her in the car and tell her you're going to the dentist. She won't know the difference until you all sit down with the therapist.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by DAEpperson

While you made a vow to your wife, she is an adult. My thoughts are first about protecting your son. You must weigh the lesson of fidelity vs. your son's emotional well being and growth.

Not to cast dispersions on your wife, but she owes your son some "buck-up" strength.

Prayers to you and your family.

+1

Have you tried the "buck up for our son" speech yet?

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by moses

you're in the middle of a terrible crisis, but you are showing your son what it means to be a man. There may come a day when you can no longer stay the course but in the meantime your son is learning respect, patience, empathy and commitment.

Mike, i admire and respect you more than you can imagine.

+1

[Dottore]

Originally Posted by CRH911S

An essential element of any religious path is faith; and as a Buddhist in general practice we are taught, basically, that suffering is due to a non-virtuous action in a previous life. .

Ouch!

Time to find a new teacher.

[pwd72s]

With all due respect to religious beliefs...I tend to believe in "CACA HAPPENS".

[Crowbob]

Loob,

Tabs is on the right track regarding his advice in this awful situation. Outside help will allow your wife to realize she has no right to make your whole family miserable. She got the disease and she has to deal with it. You also have every right to call anyone you want and talk about anything you choose. I think your wife is setting a very, very bad example for your son. What makes your wife think she is allowed to make you and him miserable? She knows what she's doing and apparently feels she can get away with it with you, for some reason; like it's all your fault or whatever. She knows she can't get away with it with other relatives which is why she got angry about your call. There's a whole lot going on here that is not good for your son. Loob, seriously, your wife (probably her family, too) is setting an example for your son that will not be good for his future. Somebody from outside the family will be able to tell each player in this situation the limits of their respective responsibilities. I can almost guarantee, a much worse outcome if you all try to deal with this without outside help. Guaranteed.

[Hetmann]

If this situation does not improve with time and eventual acceptance, you will need to begin to set limits as to how much pounding you and your son will take. It is an unhappy solution, but one that is needed for all involved. You need to be able to get away for brief periods and enjoy some quiet time. If she can't accept that, you are going to need to let her know that is not acceptable.

[Rick V]

Mike,
Like the others have said, I have nothing to offer but an ear, and a place to vent. I wish you and yours the best. Listen to your head, feel what is in your heart, and know that the decisions you make are from the best sources you have.

[MadameButterfly]

It's just occurred to me, Mike, that since you and your wife have both experienced a significant loss, you might glean some insights from the work of Elisabeth Kubler- Ross. Her initial work identified a cycle of emotional states relative to terminal illness. Then she realized that any major loss - death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, debilitating illness - could trigger the same cycle.

She's an easy google and it just might help you better understand both yourself and your wife. Understanding the process is a huge step forward toward working through it.

Hope you find this helpful - Thyra (Mrs Trek)

[M.D. Holloway]

So today went pretty much as expected. Son had commitmtnets to mow the neighbors lawn. when he was finished Mommy insisted he finish his homework. Took him about an hour. Just as he finished and I was checking it over he turns on the TV and in walks Mommy. She freaks thinking that is all he has been doing. When I say freaks I mean yelling, crying the whole nut. She starts in that she is left all day with the 4 wals and on the weekends when we can go someplace and do something that we decide to stay in and watch TV, that we have errands to run and stuff to get and she doesn't want to be in the house all day. Our daughter (6yr) witnesses this and can't really figuer it out. Our Son gives me the knowing look and trys to reason with her - nope. Well, words are said and she decides to bail. Of course that puts the kids into a crying jag. I couldn't let this happen so I follow her outside and tell her to get back in and to quit the shyt. I go back in and hold the kids. About 5 minutes or so go bye and she comes back. She talks to the kids for a few minutes outside.

I come out with the keys - she decides she is going to visit soem friends two house down and that we should go do the errands. By this time the kids are settled down and we split. The two of them talk back and forth about what happened. I was surprised at how lucid they were and how they came to thier conclusions on what both Mommy and Daddy should do. I just listened. Mommy shouldn't be so mean to Daddy, Daddy shouldn't blah blah blah to Mommy. Blah = lecture mode.

So we did our shopping - Dolphin Pool Supply for some chemicals (they also give out popcorn and soda - bonus), OfficeMax to take back a blinder that didn't make through the first week of school, then on the WalMart. Our Son B-lined it to the sporting goods and RC car section while our lil Girl and I shopped to food et al. She loves to do self check-out. I let her get sushi for dinner. Our WalMart has a great sushi bar. Turned out pretty cool. So we went home, kids went swimming with one of our Son's friends while his Mom gabbed with Mommy.
After the friend and Mom left Mommy sets in on how nothing got done today and that she wasn't gonna be treated like that anymore. WHAT? WTF? Treated like that? Treated like what? I kept saying repeated to calm done, take it easy, no need to get all upset. The kids spoke up - both saying the same thing. Our Son said something that ressonated. "You guys have to start treating each other better, me and Emma don't even fight like this!" That hit me hard, not sure it even got through to Mommy. It got through to me though.

[porsche4life]

Wow Mike that is rough. Hang in there it has got to get better.

[artplumber]

Mike,
You've had a lot of encouragement to seek pro advice. I have also suggested this on your previous threads. Even if your wife is against counseling etc., you need to go. It may become clear to the pro that some sort of "intervention", for want of a better term is required, and maybe your wife needs to be forced to counseling (with you). You really need to get a pro on board for your own peace of mind.

BTW, your explanation to your son, is what this country is missing - honor, loyalty, & compassion, even when the object of that compassion may not see one's sacrifice. Way too much "me" around.

Tabs, men that are 40 die from heart attacks all the time, much less 60. And a pronounced minority are worried about someone else's health.

[svandamme]

Mike, the irrational/angry/drama sounds all to familiar to me.. I grew up with a mum that did this for years and years... And not because of an eye problem, but mostly self inflected emo drama.

With kids that young, you have to protect em from that, you don't want them growing up with guilt embedded in their subconscience.. And frustration in there day to day mind pattern...
I had that, and result for me was i started to rebel, since there was nothing keeping me from doing so... No stability at home , means nothing to keep me in check.. If you get beat with a stick no matter what, it doesn't matter if anybody else threatens you that you'll get punished if you behave badly... For me that meant 11 high schools, risk taking, messing around with booze and drugs, no graduation, didn't care...

The sight problem is bad for your wife, but you'll have to make hard decisions to protect those (very) young kids... Else they will take all they endure now, and work with that instead of with what their true talent and character.

I didn't have a dad to counter my mum, your kids do. They are the future, and the young age dictates what they need, more then what your wife needs..

[924slover]

i feel bad for you and like has been said before professional advice is needed even though it may be tough. you have real patience i would have lost it by now and told her what i think. this world needs more people like you.

[livi]

I really donīt like to discuss these personal issues on the Internet (although I have been there myself). As others have suggested, there is a very real risk that this situation will get much worse before it gets better. You really need to establish a contact with a professional in this area. If your wife wonīt come along, go yourself. You need external unbiased input to be able to handle the situation and cut your losses, not least concerning your children. No matter how calmly they may act on the surface, the inside is chaos right now. They are scared *****less on everybody's behalf. Once they start externalizing/reacting the road to "salvation" is much longer.