Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..."

[MFAFF]

Lube,

I cannot imagine how hard this is on you and have great respect for your strength thro this...teaching your son that he can be both strong and deal with this at the same time is a great lesson to learn.

I cannot refind the quote but somebody said that we are made not by what we have to deal with in life, but how we chose to deal with those challenges....

Godspeed to you all and I hope you know deep down that you will all make it and emerge as a stronger family.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

True, it is a bunch to hold on our shoulders. I want to make sure he understands, although he is only 10, that a man that makes a commitment (like being married - for better or worse and in sickness and in health) sticks to it. Period.

Hard as it may be today, your son will be a better man because of this and the example you are setting. Never forget that.

[daepp]

While you made a vow to your wife, she is an adult. My thoughts are first about protecting your son. You must weigh the lesson of fidelity vs. your son's emotional well being and growth.

Not to cast dispersions on your wife, but she owes your son some "buck-up" strength.

Prayers to you and your family.

[Jim Bremner]

Lubey,

First, What's your wifes name. I would feel better saying it than sayin Lubey's wife.

Second,Is there Meds that she's on?

Joanna was on one Med for her MS that drove her into depression. It took about a year of it and we got her off of it.

It's been 7 or so years since and life is soo much better than her life on Interferon B.

Is therer someone to come in and couch her on how to go day by day with this? that might help.

[azasadny]

Mike,
I'm praying for your family... I wish I could do more. I can't possibly imagine what your wife and entire family are going through,I just know you WILL ALWAYS do the right thing!

[charlesbahn]

You'll have to throw money at this one. Along with her vision, she has lost her freedom and self respect. You'll need to hire a "personal assistant" that can drive her or take her where she wants to go, anywhere - anytime. Someone who can help her shop, tell her a dress looks good on her and fits her well, help her with makeup and assure her that she looks nice. Obviously this won't be easy or cheap.

She is at a very vulnerable stage right now (with a high risk of alcoholism, suicide, etc). With the right support she may be able to live with her handicap better later on, but you have to get her there.

Our prayers are with you.

Charles

[dhoward]

You won't always do the right thing. Outside help is a must. Toughing it out may be ok for you (it's not), but not the children. Your wife needs help. I've been and still going through it.

[scottmandue]

Sorry to hear... also way over my head as far as giving any advice, I have none...

Prayers sent out for your family.

[M.D. Holloway]

I know help is needed - she won't do it. Advice is nice but I also know that many of you guys would love to offer up a magic spell or silver bullet - there is none. I'm only sharing because I can't talk to anyone she knows about this or she will get real pissed. I still need to vent. PPOT is my drug of choice these days...

[tabs]

No one ever said to abandon ship, that you should stop loving her. From what you describe your wife is sucking all the oxygen (life) out of the room. You and your family have a right to breath as well. Relationships are 2 way streets, give and take.(that goes for children as well) Somebody has to tell your wife that this whole turn of events is hard on EVERYBODY in the family. Not just her.

Perhaps part of the problem is that your wife realizes that she is being made nice to because she is a gimp and that compounds the depression. Telling your wife she is a pain in the azz would go a long way, then nobody has to walk around on pins and needles cause it might upset moms.

Your kid is going to see what you do, what values you bring to the table..Actually it is already too late he has done institutionalized the family values by 10.

Honesty about how you feel and or your son feels is the ticket. If this continues on there will be people walking away permanently if not in fact then emotionally. And explosion you ain't seen it yet, the pressure is mounting.

There is an old axiom you can throw a person a life preserver but you can't make them grab onto it. You can not save anybody,they have to save themselves. You can only prop someone up for so long before you start to breakdown.

You Lubby and your family need some kind of outside help that is beyond this Boards and is more objective then ours can be. The longer you wait the more risk.

[Rot 911]

Mike vent like there is no tomorrow on here. I can't imagine the hell you are going through. On the other hand, while your wife may be a ***** right now, you are all she has.

[tabs]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

I know help is needed - she won't do it. Advice is nice but I also know that many of you guys would love to offer up a magic spell or silver bullet - there is none. I'm only sharing because I can't talk to anyone she knows about this or she will get real pissed. I still need to vent. PPOT is my drug of choice these days...

You Lubby, YOURSELF for your own self needs some help. This is beyond you. You need support, if for nothing else just to help you read the fking cards as they are laid out. To separate the wheat from the chafe. To give you some clear cut direction.

Your wife also needs some help and support in dealing with the cards she now has to play. She needs to be around people who are facing the same problems she is facing. She needs to learn that her life ain't over, that what she is feeling is normal. We can all say yeah I can understand how you feel darling, but that ain't the truth. We do not understand, and we may go away feeling poor poor dear..she probably knows what you are doing and that makes her feel MORE useless and a burden.

Your children need you and your wife to be straight with the problems you face. They too could also use a bit of support to see their way clear of the BS

What kind of disaster will it take for you to capitulate.

[911pcars]

Lube,
Some good advice offered here. Some counseling for her and yourself might help. Inn additin, a full-time caregiver and maybe a seeing-eye dog might turn things around. Pets have a way with bonding with their disabled owner. Nice response to your son's state of mind.

Wish you and your family well.

Sherwood

[MadameButterfly]

Hello Mike. I'm new to posting in here, so hope you don't mind my jumping in.

Right off the top, it's wonderful that you are so beautifully modeling what it means to be a man. However, since your boy is only 10, it wouldn't hurt to get some professional feedback on age appropriate involvement; indicators that he could be in over his head; and ways to reduce the stress of this in his life.

A professional could also help you evaluate how much responsibility your wife is capable of taking for herself and strategies for moving things in that direction.

Secondly, as a person who has been in a caregiver role on 3 different occasions, I strongly urge you to get professional input for yourself. This forum can be an excellent pressure valve, but nothing beats talking with trained therapists who deal with all these issues daily. Even the best caregivers will and do burnout if they don't take care of themselves.


Finally, it's fantastic that your wife's parents are coming and will be on the same page as you. Hopefully, their input from a different perspective will be just the incentive she needs to at least start thinking about getting some help.

Here's hoping for the best, Thyra (Mrs Trek)

[red911sc]

Lube

+1 to so many of the comments here. I don't know what else to say. You and your family will be in our thoughts.

[Moses]

You're in the middle of a terrible crisis, but you are showing your son what it means to be a man. There may come a day when you can no longer stay the course but in the meantime your son is learning respect, patience, empathy and commitment.

Mike, I admire and respect you more than you can imagine.

[tabs]

Lubby you have been afraid of something for a long time, you don't want to look at something, and would rather avoid the issue.

MY imagination tells me what it could be, but it is not my place to say.

[Don Plumley]

All I can say is my thoughts are with you Lubey and your family.

[Oh Haha]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

I know help is needed - she won't do it. Advice is nice but I also know that many of you guys would love to offer up a magic spell or silver bullet - there is none. I'm only sharing because I can't talk to anyone she knows about this or she will get real pissed. I still need to vent. PPOT is my drug of choice these days...

Mike,

Like others, I can't imagine what your family must be going through. I can't offer any advice, either.

I can offer up more prayers and good thoughts for everyone.

I admire the way you handled the situation with your son. I think you handled it pretty good.

Hang in there and do the best you can. That's all that anyone could ask of you.

[DanielDudley]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

I called her Mom today and told her that she is in a real bad way. She was actually really surprised to hear this. She had no idea that my Wife crys everyday and is in a pretty bad state. My Wife hides it very well. I think they are coming down this weekend. Thank God!

Good for you.

You aren't doing your wife a favor if you allow her to use you for a punching bag, or if you let her play the victim for the rest of her life. She will eventually assume you deserve to be treated poorly, because you allow it, and she will miss any real opportunities for joy that the two of you still have.

You could use some counseling on how to deal with this situation. The solution is counter intuitive.

God bless you, and may you find a way to help your wife.