Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..."

[Hebrewhomeboy]

I was in a motorcycle wreck a few years ago, and even though I was wearing all of my gear, I was decently messed up. I had to walk using a cane for about 5-6 months, couldn't lift anything heavy, couldn't move faster than a walk. Pretty minor compared to blindness, but I remember how it affected me. I'm usually laid back and slow to anger, but I was pretty irritable for the first month or so, because I felt so helpless, just because I couldn't physically do some things that I did before all the time (like drive a stickshift, for example). So although my injuries were very minor when compared to losing one's sight, I can see a little bit how she feels. It's hard to be happy when you feel helpless.

Now that being said, my thoughts on the marriage: I was married 2.5 years. Although I wasn't very happy in the marriage, I tried my hardest to make it work. I was miserable from pretty much the first day. I suggested counselling a few times, tried to talk things out with her, but she was stubborn and wouldn't work with me at all. I divorced her, and we're both much happier now. It would be great if you two could patch things up and stay together, if nothing else for your children, but sadly that may not be the case. Sometimes you can't work things out. I don't know if what I'm saying helps at all, but I figured I'd offer my view on stuff, if nothing else. I do hope things go well for all of you.

And hey, feel free to vent all you want on here! That's what this place is for!

[m21sniper]

A week later and you're still not finished?

FFS, let it go already.

[Hebrewhomeboy]

Oh, and one thought: Does she play any musical instruments? Maybe learning one could help her. I'll try to dig up the link... I think this is it. A blind guy playing flamenco guitar:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFvqmIi9Ymc&feature=related

[M.D. Holloway]

She plays piano but hasn't in years. She should again IMO. She also has a really nice voice - sexy (when she ain't holler'n!) and I always liked hearing her sing. She hasn;t done that in a long long time.

She says she wants out so I confrounted her with it.

"OK, so we get a divorce, then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you have been thinking about this for a long time, you must have played this out in your head. How does this play out? What are you going to do? What happens to the kids? Do they stay with me? Do they stay with you? Do you move? Do we sell the house? Where do you think this is going to go?"

"I don't know"

I don't either...

[Rikao4]

this is good Lube...
should make her realize this is just the beginning of her journey..
she can travel alone if she chooses..
or have you by her side helping with the bumps..

many yrs ago someone said..
I'm leaving..
my response..
you walking ..
or do you want me to call a cab..

Rika

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

"OK, so we get a divorce, then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you have been thinking about this for a long time, you must have played this out in your head. How does this play out? What are you going to do? What happens to the kids? Do they stay with me? Do they stay with you? Do you move? Do we sell the house? Where do you think this is going to go?"

"I don't know"

Good move.

[M.D. Holloway]

She has no emotional boundries when she fights - no holds barred. The other night prior to our Son making his statement on the sanctity of marriage, she says "its no wonder your eldest daughter doesn't want anything to do with you, your an *********!". Of course she said that in front of our Son.

Reminds me of the statement she made while we were driving to the councelor. I had just gotten off the phone with my eldest brother whose wife has cancer again - lesions on the liver and some bones and who knows where else. "Why should I show her any sympathy, they never called to see how I am..."

Beautiful, freak'n beautiful!

[m21sniper]

One thing i always try to make sure i do with my women is never, ever say anything that cuts below the belt.

Once you say it, it can never, ever be taken back.

The things she's said to you, they can never be taken back.

[rcecale]

Originally Posted by m21sniper

One thing i always try to make sure i do with my women is never, ever say anything that cuts below the belt.

Once you say it, it can never, ever be taken back.

The things she's said to you, they can never be taken back.

"Shots downrange"

Randy

[Rot 911]

Mike three things:

1. While that last statement of your son's is very insightful, it is also a cry for help. In my opinion he sees all of this spiraling out of his control and he doesn't know what to do. It is painful to know that he has to watch all of this.

2. I feel for your wife and what she is going through. But I am now starting to wonder if she will ever come to terms with what is happening to her.

3. You just need to STFU when she starts her complaining. It serves no useful purpose and all it does is add fuel to the fire. Believe me I know what it is like when the wife goes on the rampage and she is right and you are wrong. But the argument you two are having is never going to end if you both keep at it. One of you needs to be big enough to keep your mouth shut. You can't control her, but you can control yourself.

Oh and keep venting on here.

[m21sniper]

Is that to be the rest of Lube's life?

To just STFU and take it?

[Rot 911]

Originally Posted by m21sniper

Is that to be the rest of Lube's life?
To just STFU and take it?

No, for the sake of his son, until Mike figures out what he is going to do, he should STFU.

[m21sniper]

Fair enough. I think he already knows what he needs to do though.

[dhoward]

Originally Posted by Kurt V

Snipped.....
One of you needs to be big enough to keep your mouth shut. You can't control her, but you can control yourself.

Oh and keep venting on here.

This is key.
It's also the most difficult thing to execute.

[jwhcars]

There is no greater pressure you can exert than the pressure of silence.
Think about it. :-)

[M.D. Holloway]

My Son has to write in his journal everyday for school. I read an entry and it broke my heart - he stated that Mommy and Dad fight and that Mommy is mean to Daddy and that Mommy feels bad she can't any more or drive.

He does like to talk to me about all sorts of stuff. I know this is on his and my little ones shoulders. Every night I tell him that if we keep working on it things can / might get better. It takes two people to fight and that it isnlt a fight if only one person is doing the fighting. I continue to keep my mouth shut and agree with most of her complaints.

Her biggest beef has been my lack of inclusion of her into the various workings of the household - so, I now request her presence when I pay bills, open mail, pretty much anything as well as letting her know whyh I am going into the garage or outside.

I almost feel as if I have a Mother again except my Mother never critisized, badgered or held me in contempt.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

My Son has to write in his journal everyday for school. I read an entry and it broke my heart - he stated that Mommy and Dad fight and that Mommy is mean to Daddy and that Mommy feels bad she can't any more or drive.

He does like to talk to me about all sorts of stuff. I know this is on his and my little ones shoulders. Every night I tell him that if we keep working on it things can / might get better. It takes two people to fight and that it isnlt a fight if only one person is doing the fighting. I continue to keep my mouth shut and agree with most of her complaints.

Her biggest beef has been my lack of inclusion of her into the various workings of the household - so, I now request her presence when I pay bills, open mail, pretty much anything as well as letting her know whyh I am going into the garage or outside.

I almost feel as if I have a Mother again except my Mother never critisized, badgered or held me in contempt.

Lessons can be learned from a variety of places.

Once had a counterpart whose only function was to traffic stuff. Our product did not change status on a weekly, daily, hourly basis so she never really had much new to report on.

Company was going through a rough patch and she was worried she'd be laid off and was determined to prove her value to the company.

She convinced our VP that she needed more insight and he instituted a morning noon and end of day status meeting.

So I said fine knowing exactly how it would end up.

After about a week or two of the same conversations 3 times a day with no real change in status they got bored and the meetings went away.

So the point is rather than debate it I let them come to the conclusion on their own that what they were asking was a waste of time and unproductive.

With nothing left to complain about it became clear her problem was really her own insecurities.

Give her what she wants so she can figure out what the root of the problem really is.

[M.D. Holloway]

I took the kids shopping tonight to get her something for her birthday. My Son talked me into buying him two Hot Wheels cars because he aced a math test and got a high B on a geography test - cost me $1.98. When we got home he showed her the cars and she started given me shyt about it.

"We can't be buying them stuff everytime they do well on a test!" She kept going off. I wisked the little one upstairs - past her bedtime and she was a little peeved because she didn't get anything for doing good on her tests she took last year. I told her she would be handsomely rewarded for her hard work as well. She is looking forward to her spelling test this Friday which she will ace for sure. As she went to sleep I went to my Son in his room. He had the cars still in the packages, sitting on his bed looking at them.

"Whats up dude?" I said

"Nut'n..." he said looking down.

"Somethings wrong, whats the matter?"

"When you were with Emma, Mom told me I don't deserve these, she says that your trying to buy my love and that the only thing she is ever gonna give me is a hug or a high five for doing good. Dad, she didn't even give me a hug..." He had tears in his eyes.

"Well buddy, I think you deserved them then some. I'm proud of you for doing well and personally, I see nothing wrong with a reward for work well done."

"Why is she like that dad?"

"She's angry inside and is just not dealing well with it. We have to keep talking to each other about it. Remember, it takes two to fight. She is going say stuff that might hurt us but deep down I don't think she feels that way. She is just not thinking about what she is saying right now. Hay, for what it's worth, I can give hugs as well..."

With that he gave me a big hug that lasted for a few minutes.

"Dad, your not as squishy as Mommy and you don't smell as good but you give great Dad hugs."

Thanks buddy. You give great Son hugs.

[porsche4life]

Wow Mike that has got to be the roughest part. Makes me hurt to just read how bad your son is hurting.


Stay strong and have lots of good times with the kids. Try to keep them and you in a good mood.

[Gogar]

Geez, Mike. Unless you find an amazing therapist, I think you need to stick a fork in it.


That said, I don't know you, your wonderful wife, or your kids; and this in an internet forum, so this opinion isn't even worth the paper it's printed on.