Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..." - Page 19

Rikao4 · 11-07-2009, 06:35 AM

go to your Dr..
I can't sleep..
feed the meds to her..
or take her hiking..

yeah I'm kidding..
I think..well maybe

Rika

jwhcars · 11-07-2009, 06:41 AM

It is now well past the time to move on ...that is all.

Aurel · Aurel's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

Got to thinking about a saying, "If your covered in shyt, look at your back side; if its your shyt, do something about it if its not your shyt then you can't do anything about it".

My wife's blindness is not my shyt. Its her shyt. That is not to say I will not help or support her in her struggle but it seems like she isn't accepting the fact that this is her shyt. In turn she is taking it out on us.

This talk about divorce all seems to be a test. Like the emergency broadcast system.

Que loud unpleasant siren WWWRRRREEEEEEE!!!! "This is a test, this is only a test. In the event of a real emergency you would be given instructions..."

That is life on a daily basis. So why the test? Because she wants to see if I will stand the test? By going down the divorce road she can shuttle out one of two responses? Either I will or I won't grant her a divorce. Will I stay or will I go? The whoile thing is so illogical if defys reason and maybe that is just it. I have spent my entire adult life solving problems logically - in school studying chemistry, in grad school chemical engineering and in work from R&D to sales it is always to solve a problem. I am in the problem solving mindset and in the past 10 or so years, the lecture circuit. It is what I do and who I am. What I do during the day is not a job, its a vocation. I haven't workied in 10 years. Every day is fun and interesting and I am good at it becasue it fits with how I am built.

That fit doen't work in my preasent set of circumstances. She knows I have all the answers. That isn't what she is looking for. The problem is, I don't understand what she is needing from me. I told her recently to discribe the man she wants down to how he would talk to what he would say and I can be that guy. She just told me that "If I didn't know, she wasn't going to tell me!"

She doesn't need a problem solver, she just needs someone there. Maybe this is like pruning a bonzai tree - too much cutting will kill it. Too much water will kill it. Too much attention will kill it. Sometimes you just got to let it go to go on and live? Maybe that is my our Son's fish has lived so long - he feeds it about once a week if that...

A friend told me that the shyt that is going on is not my shyt but her's and the sooner she owns up to it the sooner the marrage and life will get back on track. To be there for her and not to get upset. So what to do with problems as they arise?

Well, as I see it there are three ways to handle a problem:
1) Solve it yourself
2) Pay someone to solve it for you
3) Don't solve it - its not your problem

This is where it gets dicey...

I am a problem solver too. With a chemical background very similar to yours. And I have been frustrated with my wife *****ing about problems that I could solve, many times. At first, my approach was to try to gently shut her up, by saying "no problem, I`ll fix it". But more than once, it turned into big arguments because the material problem is never the problem. It is the emotional implications of it that women need to deal with by yacking our hears off all the time. Men and women are fundamentally different when it comes to addressing issues: men do it in a rational fashion, women go at it from the emotional angle. We must accept our differences and not try to solve things our way when that will not fix it for them. Help her deal with the emotional aspects of things by being there and just listen. Not try to bring answers, she will bring them herself in her expressing her emotions.

Seahawk · 11-07-2009, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moses

Buddy, I was admiring your resolve for a long time, but... life is too short for this crap.

My wife's father hasn't seen his grandchildren in 12 years...he is a caustic, unbalanced negativity sump.

I refuse to live my life on other peoples sadness...get a plan together, Mike. Kids are very resilient...mine know which grandpa sucks and which one doesn't because we told them and they understood, knew.

I told Ron what I expected of him, he failed. Fade to black.

Life is indeed short: happiness stretches it.

Joeaksa · 11-07-2009, 08:26 AM

Mike,

You are the only one who can make this decision but personally my gut tells me that its far past time. Save the kids, save yourself and get out.

Either for good or for a short time period to make her realize what she is asking but staying in the middle of this is doing no one any good and hurting everyone involved.

Talk with your and her family and explain what is going on and that you have to do something for the kids sake. Take some video of this happening (hope you have done so already) to back up your situation.

450knotOffice · 450knotOffice's Garage

This has been painful to read. Lube, from a man who's been happily married for twenty two years, I have to echo the common sentiment from this board - it's time to separate at the very least, if not divorce straightaway. Your wife's misery is ruining your life day by day, and you can't get those days back - they're gone forever. It's obvious to me that your wife is hugely unhappy and has somehow come to genuinely dislike you. Why endure that for the rest of your life? No one deserves to have their life ruined by someone else perpetual unhappiness.

Honestly man, it's time to get out. Your relationship with your wife is dysfunctional.

masraum · 11-07-2009, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

This talk about divorce all seems to be a test. Like the emergency broadcast system.

Que loud unpleasant siren WWWRRRREEEEEEE!!!! "This is a test, this is only a test. In the event of a real emergency you would be given instructions..."

That is life on a daily basis. So why the test? Because she wants to see if I will stand the test? By going down the divorce road she can shuttle out one of two responses? Either I will or I won't grant her a divorce. Will I stay or will I go? The whoile thing is so illogical if defys reason and maybe that is just it. I have spent my entire adult life solving problems logically - in school studying chemistry, in grad school chemical engineering and in work from R&D to sales it is always to solve a problem. I am in the problem solving mindset and in the past 10 or so years, the lecture circuit. It is what I do and who I am. What I do during the day is not a job, its a vocation. I haven't workied in 10 years. Every day is fun and interesting and I am good at it becasue it fits with how I am built.

It sounds like a test to me too. A psycho test, but a test none the less. I can understand going blind making most any adult have heavy psychological burdens, and I can understand the desire to take the crap because you understand that the cause is a feeling of helplessness or whatever. Still, wow. I think my wife can get *****y sometimes, but your stuff makes my wife look like a saint.

Good luck, if things don't get much much better, then the bright side is that you're next life will be idillic because you will have paid your dues in this one.

I wish you all the best.

M.D. Holloway · 11-08-2009, 08:17 AM

I talked to the mom of the other bot and explained my position for not bringing him home - she was beyound cool with it and even thanked me for not bringing him home because that would have messed up there plans. So, the fight was over something that i did was right but she elected to think of it as an example of me being a jerk.

I told her that - in the heat of battle - she is ungrateful. Evrything we have is because of me and she has a great life save her vision. I ask nothing of her yet she still finds room to whine.

I am really done. In the next few weeks I am going to try to sort out the child care issue and move forward with the separation and divorce.

You all are right - life is too short.

Laneco · 11-08-2009, 08:49 AM

Save your children Lubey.

Then save yourself. This will be a tough road (divorce), but a necessary one for those two goals in this situation. God's strength to you.

angela

red-beard · red-beard's Garage

Mike,

I've purposely stayed out of this. I don't have much to add except that the most important thing is your children. Whatever you do, it should be focused on what is best for them. Only you can know what that is.

James

porsche4life · porsche4life's Garage

Mike, You know whats best. Its going to be rough the next few years, but you are a smart guy and will make it though just fine... Remember we are always here for you....

Joeaksa · 11-08-2009, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by red-beard

Mike,

I've purposely stayed out of this. I don't have much to add except that the most important thing is your children. Whatever you do, it should be focused on what is best for them. Only you can know what that is.

James

And to add to this, only YOU can make the decision. You will live with it in the end, so make sure its what you want.

That said, you have lasted a lot longer than most of us on the thread could have handled it. The last thing that any of us here want is for her to go futher downhill but she seems hell bent on dragging you and the kids with her on her journey down, and thats not acceptable.

M.D. Holloway · 11-09-2009, 11:01 AM

Our little one is being tested for the LEAP program at school - its some program they do for kids that are "gifted/talented". I am not so sure about it. I think all kids are gifted and talented but what ever. Our little one reads like a teenager and can crank out math answers with the likes of a 4th grader. She is only in 1st grade. Anyway she has another test today. Last night she came into her brothers room were we were watching the game. She said she just couldn't sleep - she was too excited. I finally put our Son down, went into the other room with her. She feel asleep in my arms as I finished watching the Cowboys game. I put her down in her bed. She makes her way into the guest room were I sleep and wakes me. She crawls into bed.

She was up most of the night thinking about school today. She said she was excited to take her LEAP test. I do not think it was nerves per se - she would had told me. Before a soccer game she tells me that her angels are in her belly trying to figuer out how they will help her in here game - "It just feels like nerves Dad because they are flying around inside there!". She was just really excited. She wanted to stay up and study for it. She was genuinely excited. I told her that getting to sleep would be the best way to prepare. It was worse than Christmas eve! She really is something. I hope she can stay awake for the test.

In the morning Mommy comes up-stairs to wake her and finds her in the guest bed with me. "Why didn;t you come down to sleep with me? Are you a trader?" she joked.

That was no joke.

onewhippedpuppy · 11-09-2009, 11:50 AM

All other things aside, one of the lowest things on earth is using a child as a pawn for an adult argument. Good luck Mike, both to you and your family.

Oh Haha · 11-09-2009, 12:40 PM

Hey buddy,
Sorry to hear that things went back to bad for you guys.

It will be a tough road going through with the decision to separate/divorce but you ALL will get through it.

I still have to think about my divorce which was done 11 years ago. I was in bad shape for a while but I got through it with the support of my friends and family. It will be tougher as you have young 'ens but it will work out.

As always, we are here for you and if you need to talk, I can PM you my phone number. I'm pretty sure that goes for most of the gang here at Pelican.

Take care of yourself and hang on for the ride.

Best wishes, my friend.

Wayne

berettafan · 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seahawk

I refuse to live my life on other peoples sadness...

Lubey, i'm not commenting on who is right and wrong in your situation because we are only hearing 1/2 of the story and we didn't even pick up at the beginning.

But the above quote, if applied with care, vigor, resolve and confidence, will guide you in the right direction.

It is one thing to ***** to your friends about something and quite another to put the above quote into action. I know this because i did just such a thing. I complained, asked for help, and considered every possible explanation and option.
In the end i trusted my own integrity and intuition regarding the person (not my wife thank goodness) and i put it on the line in no uncertain terms. I did so at great personal risk. A major situational change was made at my demand. Well guess what, EVERY single person involved (even the problem) is in a better spot now because of it.

It's easy to apply this to coworkers and casual friends. But in my humble opinion it also applies to family.

This is one of those concepts that, when mastered, makes you a better man. A man that much more worth knowing and looking up to. A man that your wife, in better times, would have jumped at without reservation and would have treated as an equal from the get go (i believe you mentioned the relationship has been somewhat out of balance from early on).

Good luck in this and kudos for making the kids the center of your concerns.

Oh Haha · 11-09-2009, 01:00 PM

Well said/written, berettafan.

M.D. Holloway · 11-10-2009, 06:50 AM

I really think she is truely unbalenced. She is unwilling to get help. Yeasterday I was checking e-mails for her and there was one from a room mom for our little ones class. She was looking for a last volunteer to work some games on Friday. My wife asked if I responded to that request prior to wit I said yes yet our names were not on the list. She proceeded to jump all sorts of over me on how I can;t be trusted and how I don't care and bla bla bla. I told her it was a simple fix. I would just contact the women and ask if it would be OK for 2 more parents to join in. She thought that was an terrible idea. That would make the parent to kid ratio off balence - 19 kids to 5 parents is fine but 19 to 7 is too many parents. I failed to see the logic, wisdom or common sense in that arguement. She began to cry and hung up the phone on me.

I looked in my sent file and sure enough I sent the note last week to the other room mom who intially sent the request. I contacted the first room mom and she said 'of course you can join us - that would be great! Sorry for the confusion.'

I came home to drive our Son to FB practice, I told her the situation and that it was resolved - no response. I did notice however that she re-arranged the office. Not sure why but she did proceed to pile all sorts of crap on top of the library table in the library which she knows is a pet peeve of mine. I didn;t say anything save 'office looks nice.

Before I took our Son, he went into the bedroom to say goodbye to her. He saw that she was upset and she told him it was because I yelled at her. She themn asked him what his happy place was because she wanted to go there. He came out to the car and told me what went down. I asked him if he thought I yelled at her, his reply was "NO! You never yell at her. You should though..." "No buddy, she just has to work some stuff out. All will be fine in due time."

924slover · 11-10-2009, 07:12 PM

i think that she's been given enough time to atleast begin to adjust. and she has no concept of not bringing the kids into the adults problems. I don't wanna put my foot in my mouth but it is extremely heartless to put the kids in the middle of the fight and to use them as a shield. i wouldn't be able to have the patience you have i would have tolled her to hit the bricks long ago when she started to bring the kids into it. i applaud your patience.

red-beard · red-beard's Garage

He's not patient. Mike truely loves his wife.