I hate dinner time at home.

[mikester]

I used to really like it - look forward to sitting down with my family - wife - 2 boys but lately I dread it.

I do most of the cooking.

The interactions between my 5 year old and my wife and I are the reason why I hate dinner time and no longer enjoy cooking.

He simply hates everything I cook.

If it isn't hot dogs, fish sticks or peanut butter and jelly he won't have any thing to do with it. Carrots are pretty much the only vegetable he'll eat without a fight.

He eats well during the day usually. Great at breakfast, great at lunch. He snacks healthily with fruits and nuts but dinner time is always a struggle. Over time I have learned simply to let the amount he eats go because I know that isn't important.

I'm learning to not care about really IF he eats much at dinner.

The thing that kills me is the constant whining about this or that vegetable or other entree I have made.

Tonight I made green beans - as soon as he saw them on the table he started complaining about them. I picked up my drink and simply left the table rather than continue to fight with him and my overwhelming frustration. I was done, I am done and I simply don't know what to do.

I try to be an educated and flexible parent but I also believe in discipline and respect. I'm not what I would consider and 'experienced' parent but I don't really know what that is. I think that may be a 'grand parent.'

My 5 year old is 'Contrary Boy' - he knows my buttons and pushes them as a rule. I'm going to get him a costume with a cape and a big letter 'C' on the front.



I've read about it - I suspect he is just not that hungry at dinner time and that is fine. Like I said - I don't care what or how much he eats so much as I simply cannot stand the constant complaining and whining about whatever happens to be on the table.

My feeling right now is to institute a new rule at the table - if you say anything negative about the food I have cooked until dinner is over and he has eaten some of it.

That probably won't work. Nothing does except me leaving the table which leads me to believe that the problem is me.

[Shaun @ Tru6]

At 5, if doesn't like it, he goes without. He whines, he goes to bed without.

[Hugh R]

You train the kid, don't let the kid train you.

[red-beard]

Who is in charge? Apparently he is.

[pete3799]

Don't feel bad.
Nobody will eat my cooking either.

[peppy]

I hear you, but my wife is the one that turns her nose up at my cooking.

Her and my son eat crap (frozen pizza, hot dogs, peanut butter, chicken nuggets) every night of the week that I am not home to cook for them, and will not eat about have of what I cook. (never mind maybe my cooking sucks)

[mikester]

Originally Posted by red-beard

Who is in charge? Apparently he is.

Seriously.

I know what you mean. He's a good kid but these dinner time antics and the whole contrary boy deal just really impact our relationship negatively. Sometimes, and this totally breaks my heart I have the feeling that I just don't like him very much. We do have a lot of fun together but this a$$hat behavior really colors our relationship negatively.

The problem is I feel like I am always coming down on him and this just makes him fight back harder. He has some rebellion in him so I try not to nurture that because I know where that leads overall - he'll end up like I did.

The other side of the coin - his 2 year old brother. Eats everything we put in front of him and rather than whine he says things you almost never hear from a 2 year old: 'Okay!' and 'Yes'.

Seriously. He eats broccoli and loves it.

[aap1966]

You want a free medical opinion?

No 5 y.o. ever voluntarily starved to death.

Free parental opinion?

Cut back on the snacks between lunch and dinner, so he's hungry at dinner.
He eats what's put in front of him, if he doesn't it goes in the fridge and gets served to him later cold if he whines.
Next stage is he gets the previous night's meal cold at breakfast, but I doubt you'll have to go that far.

Been there, done that. See the "pitbull" thread- train them while they're young, or you're screwed when they're teenagers.

[Christien]

My kids are younger than yours (18 months and almost 4) so I can't speak from experience, but I think Shaun and Hugh have it right. This is dinner, eat it or go hungry, complaint = punishment (time out, no tv, straight to bed, whatever you use) so either be quiet or say something positive, and either eat what's in front of you or go to bed hungry. If he's eating well the rest of the day, then I wouldn't worry about nutrition too much. That's how I would handle it, and I'm 99% certain my wife would agree.

[mikester]

Originally Posted by aap1966

You want a free medical opinion?

No 5 y.o. ever voluntarily starved to death.

Free parental opinion?

Cut back on the snacks between lunch and dinner, so he's hungry at dinner.
He eats what's put in front of him, if he doesn't it goes in the fridge and gets served to him later cold if he whines.
Next stage is he gets the previous night's meal cold at breakfast, but I doubt you'll have to go that far.

Been there, done that. See the "pitbull" thread- train them while they're young, or you're screwed when they're teenagers.

I have seen this advice a lot - stop feeding him and he'll eat at dinner. Unfortunately if you don't feed them when they are hungry then they get even more whiny and cranky. So...yeah - that'll help.

[red-beard]

Mike, the advice given here is good. You need to be the parent and not the friend. Sometimes it means being mean, or tough. It isn't called "tough love" for nothing. You must be consistent, though. Set the expectations and the limits. It was 10 times tougher for me, as a step parent. And my ex-wife was not consistent.

[Bill Douglas]

One of us needs to invent a vegetable that tastes like bacon.

Once kids are hungery they will eat anything - even dreaded vegetables.

[aap1966]

Originally Posted by mikester

I have seen this advice a lot - stop feeding him and he'll eat at dinner. Unfortunately if you don't feed them when they are hungry then they get even more whiny and cranky. So...yeah - that'll help.

Like I said, been there, done that.

You want whiny and cranky for a few hours or for several years?
In our house the kids know that whiny=ridicule, cranky=trip to room, rude=sore backside and saying "I want"=not a chance in Hell.

Took a while to "train" the older one, but now (at 13) she's a delight.
The younger one was smart enough to watch the older one's battles and pick the winning side from Day 1.

Hey, I'm not trying to say I'm the perfect parent. I'm just saying I've been through this minefield already and got some idea where to tread. Good luck mate. Parenthood, like marriage, is life's greatest adventure.

[red-beard]

What is Gwen doing in all of this?

[Oh Haha]

My son(6.5) is very finicky(comes with the Aspberger's we are told). He simply won't eat most food that we enjoy. He does eat healthy items and loves to snack on grapes and yogurt and his health is just about perfect. We don't push food on him at this time.

My daughter(4), one the other hand, is not afflicted with ADD, ADHD, etc. She is just bullheaded. (yeah, yeah, I know it's from me.)

With her, if she asks for a certain food item she has to eat it. If she starts whining or getting pi$$y, she goes to her room for 5 minutes or longer, depending how she acts during the punishment phase.

Tonight, I made burgers on the grill. She told me she wanted one. At some point she decided that she wanted scrambled eggs. We told her she had to eat the burger.

She started in with the fit and whining so we punished her. She never came back to the table so she went without. too bad, so sad.

Now, at bedtime she is hungry. I sat down with her and talked about her behavior and why she is hungry now. She told me she will her hamburger next time. We let her have a granola type bar but sugary snack.

This really wasn't to post advice but more to let you know you are not alone out there. Dinner time is not like the Cleaver's her, either. We eat together every night but rarely is there a night that goes without any incident.

p.s. Sometimes, in those rare moments when they really push my buttons, I have similar feelings towards my kids. I have to go to a quiet place and remind myself that they are just kids, good or bad, we love them no matter what they do.


Hang in there.

[icemann427]

Some really good information dispensed to you already.

Remember...You are not in this relationship to be your son's friend. You are in it to be his father. Your son acts like this because you (and your wife?)allow it. A wise man told me long ago to use the "Three F's" in dealing with children...Be fair, firm, and friendly. I've raised two grown children (and, now, two younger adopted children) by this motto and it works. Along with that motto have expectations and require respect. Give compassion, comfort, and allow for mistakes. Allow them more freedom and give them more responsibility as they get older. Children want and need boundaries. Never ever give them carte blanche. I could go on for a long time, but I won't...Good luck!

[Embraer]

yep. i complained when i was little. i remember going to bed hungry. didnt last long. i learned to appreciate what my mom made.

[TechnoViking]

Mikester and Oh Haha, you guys are pretty much describing dinner at my house on some nights. Jeez, I know what I'm *supposed* to do, but it's not always as easy as those who want to play arm chair quarterback make it sound.

My kids (3 and 5) can get really whiney and not eat much at times. The only thing that's sort-of working is keeping the plate of food on the table until they get hungry later. No desserts, snacks, etc. until they eat what I put on the plate.

But I have to admit I have caved in a few times and given my little one something else he wants right before bed just so he has something in his stomach.

You guys who stress sending the kid to bed without can come over to my house and get up at 3:00 AM when the kid gets hungry I have to work in the morning, so sometimes I'm not the Supernanny I'd like to be.

[dafischer]

Probably not good advice in this day and age, but I can remember biitchin' about what was put on the table when I was a kid, and my mother calmly saying "You can eat it, or I'll smack you into the middle of next week". I shut up and ate it.

Mom, now 80, chuckles about me remembering that line.

[LeeH]

Lots of good advice from the father Pelicans.

When our daughter was younger my wife and I repeatedly stated, "This is not a restaurant. This is what we're having for dinner." We had a two bite rule for everything. Beyond that we never made her eat anything... we just made it very clear that we weren't short order cooks. Passing on dinner then requesting a bedtime snack wasn't an option.

She recently turned 10 and loves Indian food, Ethiopian food, Chinese food, seafood (calamari is one of her favorites). Dinner is never a struggle. She'll sometimes state that she doesn't like something. Our reply is, "Well, you don't really HAVE to like it, but that's your dinner."

Sticking to your guns now will pay big dividends in the future for you AND the kids.