Soft as walkin' barefoot on an acre of tits.

Knocked around like a meat-filled Pinata at a Pit Bull party.

Heard down south:

I'm on that like a hobo on a soup sandwich

and another:

Excuses are like a$$ h0les, everyone has one but no one wants to hear it.

I'd bang that like a screen door in a hurricane.

He's an fairly balanced guy - has a chip on both shoulders.

Why don't yah take a flying fuch in a rolling doughnut!

Horny as a 3 pecker rooster

As worthless as tits on a nun (repost?)

Simple yet effective: $hit fer brains

Dumb as a stump

Elbow-head, knuckle head-$hit head

You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!

When it rains, the "mud" hits the fan.

here's a nice criss-crossed one:

does the Pope shlt in the woods?

sometimes followed by:
are bears Catholic?

Another one heard down south:

I'm all over it like Tiny Tim on a Christmas ham.

and

He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

My favorite:

Sharp as a marble.




'

Oh, but there was at one time a legitimate three dollar bill.
it pictured Santa Claus.

=
==
There was, in fact, a legitimate $3 bill with Santa Claus featured on it. This was in a time when individual banks or states issued their own currency, during the 1850's. Some of the banks who issued the bill were: Howard Banking Company of Boston, the Central Bank of Troy, the Pittsfield Bank, White Mountain Bank, St. Nicholas Bank of Manhattan, and the Central Bank of NYC in 1852. And it was legal tender!
===

sweating like a whore in church

so stupid ya cant find your butt with both hands

Cold as Witches tit in brass brassier
Nervous as a long tail cat in room full of rockers
Nervous as a whore in church
Nervous as a pig in a sausage facctory
Scared s__tless
Ugly as homeaid sin
\I'll be on you like white on rice
So coonass you can look at a rice feild and know how much gravy it takes to cover it
SO stupid could poor piss out of a boot if instructions were on the bottom
So broke aint even got a window to throw it out of
Sore as a 2 bit whore that had a $100 night
So ugly could scare the stink off a gut wagon
Tight as dicks hatband,
So tight could crap out a diamond

Up to my elbows in alligators
Beat you like a red headed russian step child
Gotta pee like a Russian race horse on steriod
Refering to working hard, "nothing but elbows and a__oles"
Speaking about trying to get out of trouble or somthing said "Stop your damn crawfishin'"
Cause a preacher to loose his religon
Enought to piss off a preacher

Here in this area of SC, it is hotter than any other spot in the southeast most days. Here people say

Columbia is the backdoor to Hell

Couldn't drive a needle up their ********* with a sledge hammer.

(Heard on Mark and Brian)

Seems like a ton of analogies have a certain personality type in them so I've come up with a new one:
As frequent as a whore analogy.

More excuses than carters got pills.

Like trying to push a rope.(ED)

So bucktooth he/she could eat an acre of corn through a picket fence.

That'll go over like a turd in the punchbowl.

"...like a fiddler on a roof"

The whole nine yards
Blood out of a turnip
Clear as mud
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
Dressed to the nines
This is a real S#!t show
Dumb as dirt