A former co-worker was famous for mixing metaphores. The office favorite was overheard while he was talking to a client about diversification. "You don't want to put all your eggs on one horse." There were many, many more.

"you can lead a gift horse to water, but you can't look in his mouth" and "don't count your chickens before they cross the road." (Archie Bunker)

" She had a body that would make a bishop kick out a stained glass window."
Raymond Chandler, I think.

Beat you like a red-headed stepchild
Excuse the pig and let the hog walk in
That would gag a maggot
I beat it like it stole something
someone belches, Did you get any on ya ?

Your car handles like a labrador on linoleum

(...all over the place)

"If it's got tits or tires it's going to be trouble."

Does a cat have a climbing gear ?

Gota piss like a Russian race horse
Shes built like a brick sh#thouse

Referring to a homely individual-

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down(accompanied by the slapping the palm and back of one hand on the other palm motion), ugly as a mud fence

For the not too bright

Dumb as a sack of hammers, few cans short of a six pack, not the sharpest pencil in the box

'The supreme paradox of all thought is its attempt to discover something that thought cannot think.'

'As sweet as 2AM on Prom night.'

'Even damnation is poisoned with rainbows.'

'If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.'

'Tighter than a ducks arse...and thats water tight.'

'If it doesn't kill me it will make me stronger.'

'If you come to a fork in the road, take it.'

'You can lead a horse to water but that doesn't make him a duck.'

'The difference between Prime Rib and Roadkill is perspective.'

'All cats are gray in the dark.'

'One mans b*tch is another mans.'

'Praise the Lord now pass the apple sauce.'

'The person you thought you were is always better then the one you were.'

'and if wishes were horses beggers would ride...'

'No man is an Isle, no one goes his way alone. What you do to the lives of others comes back into your one.'

'Anticipation supersedes reality.'

'Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny.'

'I never had a beer I couldn't drink or a whore thats wasn't worth at least 2 shillings.'

'if your not bleeding, bruised or sore you didn't play hard enough or f*ck long enough.'

You can take the trash outta the trailer, but you can never get the trailer outta the trash.....

'Give enough rope for him to hang himself and he will.'

'If physics is the science of pushing matter around; politics is the science of pushing people around.'

'Opinions and flatulence are best aired in private.'

'Even when she is wrong she is right.'

Politics is like saying, "Nice Doggie", until you can find a rock big enuff to brain the bastard.

She sooo ugly, make a freight train take a dirt road.

She has a face like a bulldog chewing on a wasp.

Busier than a one armed paper hanger

"couldn't pull greasy strings out of a cat's butt"

"she's having a come-apart"

"pulled a gunyon cord"

"it's fixin' to rain like a big ol' cow pissin' on a flat rock"

"he's so smart he's like rat turds - sharp at both ends"

"slicker than a peeled onion"

My favorite for many years:

Like a broke & horny whore on Friday night, ready for anything.

She has an ass like two sea bags full o' paint chippers.