Have you ever willingly lived with your in-laws?

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by ODDJOB UNO

i think you could name the TROPHY TRUCK ..........."PANDA-MOAN-IUM"

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

[tcar]

Regus office while they're here? Can you do that?

At least get out of there for most of the day so you're not babysitting. That shouldn't be YOUR job.

Is your wife going to take vacation so that SHE can do the babysitting? She should.

Yes, I know, no one has months of vacation.

[MRM]

Sorry dude, the family comes with the package. When Wei and I got married her parents still lived in Beijing. I met them the summer after we got married when we went their for our first visit. I saw them again two years later, and two years after that we had our first son. Mom and dad in law came to live with us at that point and helped take care of the baby while mom and dad worked.

We all lived together in our 1,750 square foot, four bedroom four level house for about three years, through son number two, until a neighbor went into a nursing home and we were able to buy the house three doors down for a reasonable price. Even then it took about three months to get the moved out.

It was a delightful experience. Other than not having enough room, I had no complaints. They cooked (badly) cleaned, did laundry, and generally kept up the place.

Have your in-laws do the same thing. Put them on a budget and give them a small allowance. Sign them up for the senior citizen bus that goes through your community and drops people off at the mall and shops. Give them things to do around the house. Let them go to the Chinese grocery store and buy vast amounts of food that will be wasted but which will be used to make enourmous feasts that you and your lovely wife can eat. Forget all the Chinese that you know and respond only to English, so that everyone can blow off steam without anyone being offended. Get bicycles for them. If Dad drives a motorcycle, get one of them or a scooter for them. Keep them as mobile and independent as possible. The budget and allowance thing is essential.

My father-in-law died more than five years ago now. I miss him terribly. I am glad we had the time together that we did have. Invite them in, be chearful about it and make the most of it that you can. If you do, it will be good.

By the way, the in-laws can make it to the gas station and negotiate their way for smokes. If I can wander a half dozen blocks in Beijing with no chaperone, find a cup of coffee and still negotiate my way back home with my complete inability to either navigate or speak Mandrin, your in-laws will be fine walking around town.

[motion]

International Pelican Couch Tour?

[aigel]

Do you plan to start a family? Is this the reason MIL may be coming in handy as a live-in nanny?

G

[Rick Lee]

My MIL is 57 and looks younger than my wife who is 32. MIL would not even be able to buy alcohol here. We have no kids, don't plan on it and I don't want to live with my in-laws. No amount of attitude adjustment can change that. The only reason I got married is because Mrs. Lee is the only person I can stand to be around for more than a few days. I honestly never get tired of being with her. I was very happily single before I got married and I really only did it to keep her. Otherwise, I am a loner, love my friends and family, but like my space, my privacy and not being bothered by others, other than Mrs. Lee.

She won't leave me if I say no. I've already said not no, but hell no. But I can't stop her from doing it, which means I'll be the one who has to leave and be miserable or stay and be more miserable, knowing there's no other way out by that point and that she has chosen her folks over her marriage...which I suppose is all the proof I'll ever need.

We're going to see my folks for Xmas now, since they've been allowed back into their house in NJ. My folks are the consummate peacemakers and mediators. My mom even was a court mediator. They may be able to talk some sense into Mrs. Lee, who definitely likes and respects them.

As for office space, the local Regus stuff is way too fancy for my needs or means. But I may find something on Craigslist if I can stand to still come back to this house after work and errands each night.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by MRM

By the way, the in-laws can make it to the gas station and negotiate their way for smokes. If I can wander a half dozen blocks in Beijing with no chaperone, find a cup of coffee and still negotiate my way back home with my complete inability to either navigate or speak Mandrin, your in-laws will be fine walking around town.

I have traveled to China and all around on my own several times, even the very first time. Never with an organized tour and twice without my wife with me at all. I can live and fully function in China. My in-laws cannot do the same here. They live in a city the size of NYC and that's not even a big city in China. Buses, trains, bike paths, sidewalks, everything. Not so here. I speak way more Mandarin than they do English and that's still not much. The only business within walking distance here is the corner gas station. After that it's miles of desert and roadside ditches, no sidewalks, no bus stops. Giving them any kind of vehicle is unthinkable because of insurance costs and danger to life and limb. You know how traffic works in China. It's unthinkable to drive, ride or walk that way anywhere in the US.

[KNS]

I feel for you, crappy situation. If they are dead set on coming suggest they come at the beginning of summer, they'll be miserable in the heat and will wonder why they ever came.

[mossguy]

Rick,

It almost sounds as if you are mining reasons to be single again.

[aigel]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

... wife who is 32. (...) We have no kids, don't plan on it

How sure are you about that? Is that another thing you said "no" to? Wanting to start a family and wanting to continue to work is the only reason she would want to live with her mom IMHO.

G

[aigel]

Originally Posted by mossguy

rick,

it almost sounds as if you are mining reasons to be single again.

+1

[jcommin]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

Got a huge looming problem that's a matter of when, not if. Mrs. Lee wants to bring her folks from China here "for a visit" of undetermined length. I have suggested many times that we rent a minivan and drive around some nat. parks out west. I think three weeks is about right for both our jobs' vacation allowances/feasibility and my own sanity. She wants them to stay with us for several months, which I take to mean six months, the typical length for a US tourist visa. I work from home and Mrs. Lee works 10 min. away. Her folks are good people and I like them. But they speak no English, cannot drive here, probably would have no valid health insurance here, have little money and there's simply nothing for them to do here. Mrs. Lee says they can take walks. Well, outside the immediate HOA, the nearest sidewalk is about four miles away down a busy road I wouldn't even walk alongside. I'd end up babysitting them while trying to work, probably having to cook a few times a day for them and Mrs. Lee can't take more than 2-3 weeks off for most of 2013. We don't even have any Chinese tv channels. The nearest (tiny) Chinese community is 25 miles away in Tempe.

I did not sign up for living with my in-laws when I got married. And I certainly did not sign up for babysitting them every day for at least six mos. Mrs. Lee has to work and, when she'd be home, I'd be sharing her wth her folks and when she's at work, I'd be sharing my work day with her folks. Has anyone here ever had to deal with this? Is it a marriage wrecker? I would certainly plan a lot of business trips and a lengthy solo vacation in Europe or China during this period. But I can't escape for months on end.

No health care for them??? Plenty of options: ER, clinics..........can't think of any others.


Seriously, have you looked at getting them a green card? or at the least a temporary visa? I have a friend who is Persian and got his parents a Green card - it took along time.

Rick..........you did sign up for the family package.

[Rick Lee]

I don't want to be single again. Honestly. But I would be far more miserable living with my in-laws. With the in-laws here, I'd have all of the bad things about a marriage and none of the good things. Currently, it's mostly the reverse.

We're not made of money. There is no way in the world for us to afford to support her folks and have a kid, even if Mrs. Lee were to curb her compulsive shopping. It is not remotely feasible under current or foreseeable circumstances.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by jcommin

No health care for them??? Plenty of options: ER, clinics..........can't think of any others.


Seriously, have you looked at getting them a green card? or at the least a temporary visa? I have a friend who is Persian and got his parents a Green card - it took along time.

Rick..........you did sign up for the family package.

There is no legal way to get them a green card until years after my wife becomes a citizen, which is also probably years away. Citizens cannot sponsor in-laws, only their own parents. So I can't help her folks, only Mrs. Lee can. Since they are retired and speak no English, they have zero chance of ever getting an H1 sponsor in the US.

[jcommin]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

I don't want to be single again. Honestly. But I would be far more miserable living with my in-laws. With the in-laws here, I'd have all of the bad things about a marriage and none of the good things. Currently, it's mostly the reverse.

We're not made of money. There is no way in the world for us to afford to support her folks and have a kid, even if Mrs. Lee were to curb her compulsive shopping. It is not remotely feasible under current or foreseeable circumstances.

Strong cultures and/or religions do get in the way. My Persian friend lives in TN and when he brought his parents here, they, like your in-laws, don't speak English, don't drive and no sense of community. Depending on your situation and committment, moving into a larger metropolitan area might be a solution.

[aigel]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

I don't want to be single again. Honestly. But I would be far more miserable living with my in-laws. With the in-laws here, I'd have all of the bad things about a marriage and none of the good things. Currently, it's mostly the reverse.

Time to tell your wife this. She needs to know you are going to leave her if she wants a 2 gen. household. If this doesn't change her mind, then you'll save yourself (and her) a lot of pain.

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

We're not made of money. There is no way in the world for us to afford to support her folks and have a kid, even if Mrs. Lee were to curb her compulsive shopping. It is not remotely feasible under current or foreseeable circumstances.

This is baloney. I read in a rental RE thread that you aren't able to deduct full loss on your rental property. At that income level you sure are able to support a kid or two and a MIL.

G

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

There is no legal way to get them a green card until years after my wife becomes a citizen, which is also probably years away.

If you were to get divorced, how (if at all) would that affect your wife's becoming a citizen?

[ODDJOB UNO]

Originally Posted by McLovin

If you were to get divorced, how (if at all) would that affect your wife's becoming a citizen?

she would NOT get a TROPHY TRUCK and the IN LAWS wouldnt be able to see BAJA!


eating chinese food in a TROPHY TRUCK "IS" the CHINESE WEBSTERS DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF "QWICKIE WOW CHOW"> trust me on this.



and rick wouldnt get the "FLAMING DRAGON" PAINT JOB ON HIS BEEMER!(BMW)



its ALL ABOUT a FOUR SEAT TROPHY TRUCK...............it will solve EVERYTHING! HONEST!

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by McLovin

If you were to get divorced, how (if at all) would that affect your wife's becoming a citizen?

She's home free there. We survived the two-yr. conditional period for her green card. So she'd probably just have to renew it or become a citizen by the expiration date, which is in 2018. You don't have to stay married to remain here once you've convinced the gov't. it wasn't a sham marriage. And ours certainly is not.

[Dottore]

Good friend of mine married a girl from Beijing. They live in Switzerland.

They soon had twins, and her old parents offered to come out for an "indefinite" period of time to help look after the kids.

Well, the oldies came out and stayed, and announced shortly after their arrival that they would need 2,000 Swiss Francs (about the same in USD) a month for helping to look after the kids. (This in addition to having the run of a very nice house, all meals etc etc.)

Strangely my friend agreed to this for the sake of peace in the family. He reckoned it wasn't much more than he would pay for a full-time nanny. But of course he also fully accepts the fact that he married the whole family.