Having the "talk" with your parents

[Dueller]

No, not the birds and bees....other end of the spectrum. Talking to your parents about where/how they want to live in their senior years when they become unable to live independently.

Fast apprroaching with both of my parents. Anybody have any advice or experience? I;ve tried to gently boach this topic and they immediately deflect any serious dicussion. I've made it clear I respect their wishes whether they want to live with me. near me or whatever.

[on2wheels52]

My son hasn't brought it up yet.
Perhaps I should foward this to him.
Jim

[Baz]

My Mom turns 90 this month and still living alone and independently in her own home - able to drive, etc.

She lives 10 minutes from me.

I asked her a couple years ago if she and my late step-dad had ever bought long-term health insurance and she said they had discussed it and decided to live in their own home until the end.

That's her intent still today.

So at some point she will need person(s) to come in and help her - especially when she can no longer drive.

I don't know how it will all turn out.

I am a bit worried about it.

I don't think it's something that has template we can all follow.

Good luck Jim - I know you will get a lot of good input here.

[Jferr006]

My mother is in her mid fifties and my dad his early sixties so we haven't really had that talk yet.

Personally, I would have the talk and make a decision sooner rather than later. Some people stay as sharp as a tack until the day they die and some start to fade long before, so it's best to iron it out before it becomes an irrational argument.

[Dottore]

BTDT.

A key component of this talk is for you to gather information from them. Sources of income, investments, insurances, debts, payables, cash, where they hide their keys, combination locks, account passwords and PINs etc etc. You need to get all of this down early, while they are of sound mind. I can't empasize this point enough.

Ps. Oh yes, and get full and complete powers of attorney from them.

[GH85Carrera]

I got lucky. My parents did a complete funeral thing. They picked out the caskets and the colors, and paid for everything. My mom died several years ago and it went smoothly as was hoped. That is a difficult time and no surprises came up.

My dad is unlikely to make it to the end of the year. I have the power of attorney now. The one thing I still need to do is get my signature on all of his accounts.

[KFC911]

Tough one Jim...I/we've had frank discussions about DNRs etc. and though my parents are still healthy in their late 70s, I see my dad "fading" a bit. Lot's of older relatives on both sides...dad sat by his sister's bedside 2 days before Christmas as they took her off life support. Good luck...

[Crowbob]

My dad went to the fridge to get a beer and his aorta exploded because there wasn't any. Dead before he hit the floor leaving my mom who deteriorated over the next 5 years refusing to admit to herself her physical and cognitive limitations. In the end it cost her $1,600/wk for 24 hour home care not including health-care costs.

She made it clear she was NOT going into 'a home' no matter the cost. That is what she did. It was terrible. Went for guardianship/conservatorship over her but she passed before it became final. What is left of her estate is now in probate.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Tough one guys, good luck to those that are facing it. My parents are mid-60s and still sharp, but I just watched some of the process with my grandmother. My grandfather passed about 1 1/2 years ago, died in his sleep of a heart attack at 82. Great way to go, still sharp, physically fit and working, he went to sleep and didn't wake up. My grandmother had been in a slow decline for at least 10 years, she has fought debilitating back pain, the associated pain meds, and just old age. Without my grandfather to take care of things my parents bought a new house with room for her and moved her in. They had the difficult conversation that she was no longer fit for driving (probably hasn't been for years), which means my retired father is now her chauffeur. They established a trust with her inheritance and have full power of attorney, essential in her case because she has no comprehension of money management. In many ways they have become like parents to her - they drive her places, give her an allowance, monitor her medications, etc. Currently they're fighting the medication battle again, she largely hasn't eaten in several weeks because the drugs eliminate her appetite, but she claims the pain is too bad to handle without the drugs.

It's a VERY difficult situation. I love my grandmother, and was probably the closest of the grandkids to both her and my grandfather growing up. I credit both of them for providing me with some great life lessons and helping me to be where I am today. But in many ways I'd be happy to see my grandmother pass. It's difficult to see living be so painful, and the life that she is left with is hardly worth living. The cliche of "she's gone to a better place" would be 100% applicable to the situation.

A few tips that I would provide from watching:

Get an ironclad professional will written NOW while they are still of sound mind. My grandfather did not have one, and his estate still hasn't fully exited the court system.
Get power of attorney. My grandmother would probably be broke had my parents not done this.
Set up a trust. You need to insure that they will be taken care of until they are gone.

[recycled sixtie]

My mil died of cancer aged 80 about ten years ago. That left my fil and after he stopped driving shortly after my mil passed away he had no way to get his groceries.
We had him assessed and he needed more care. After 2 more moves he is now in an old folks home with nurses and nurses aides in attendance. Very little talk was needed as I felt that he had to be told what to do. He was next to useless after his wife passed away. If you think that I don't have a lot of sympathy for him you are right. He has caused more trouble in his life for others around him.

It is indeed hard to change peoples' behavior and I believe some people are great until they pass on and others are a pita.

Dueller you are right to have that kind of conversation with your parents. Some people can handle living in their home until they die - they pay for lawn to be cut, snow shovelling and feed themselves. Others are not capable. We start off being a child and end up being a child. And in the latter situation sometimes you have to make decisions for them for your own survival. In the meantime my fil needs another blood transfusion at age 97 due to low iron/anemia. Somebody has to sit with him all day. If I was in that situation I would skip it - it would be an easy way to die. But we have to respect his decision....
Thanks for listening to me.

[vash]

my mom is getting up there in age. i am already thinking of getting a bigger house, or enlarging mine to fit her in.

i'm a chinese dude. i am genetically coded to bring my parents in. my inlaws are much younger, but they will get the same offer if/when the time comes.

my mom. i asked her. it kinda pissed her off. she thinks she is perfectly capable. she is. i guess. i have a sister and a brother. i think i am the only one she could live with.

[wdfifteen]

Have their wills and the deed to their real estate looked at by an attorney! Have them updated every 5 years or so.

My parents had not reviewed their wills or the deed to their house in 50 years. We were children when it was written so it had language about putting their assets in trust etc. Made sense when we were kids but it complicated the heck out of things when our parents passed and we were all adults.

[red-beard]

My parent are 79 and 84. We've had these discussions. I will not put them in a "Rest Home". They will at some point end up living with my wife and myself. We will arrange for in home care during the day when we are working.

[gacook]

My parents are 70/71, both relatively healthy. They've got enough of us kids that when the time comes, they've got a place to go. What bothers me is they have some very nice "stuff." When they do pass, I know some of my siblings are going to be fighting like cats and dogs over who gets what. I think my parents realize this, too, because they've asked me several times what I want when they're gone (asking the other siblings, too, basically putting "dibs" on their things). I refuse to tell them anything because I think it's a little morbid dividing up their belongings while they're still perfectly healthy. When the time comes, and they do pass, I really don't care if I inherit any of their possessions. Unlike most of my family, I've made myself, and have never borrowed a dime from my parents/grandparents (grandpa was kinda rich). I'm perfectly happy just having memories of them; I don't need their belongings. The other sibs can fight over their crap.

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by vash

my mom is getting up there in age. i am already thinking of getting a bigger house, or enlarging mine to fit her in.

i'm a chinese dude. i am genetically coded to bring my parents in. my inlaws are much younger, but they will get the same offer if/when the time comes.

my mom. i asked her. it kinda pissed her off. she thinks she is perfectly capable. she is. i guess. i have a sister and a brother. i think i am the only one she could live with.

I would like to adopt you as my FIL but the problem is you are the same age.....

[Aragorn]

I'm pretty sure that you probably have all of the legal issues settled already.

As far as how to broach the subject of end of life care decisions, that is specific to every individual. You stated that every time you bring it up, they deflect. There is probably a reason for that. Either they don't want to face the issue, or every time they talk about it, they get into a disagreement as to what each wants to do. Try talking one on one to each of them separately and see if they open up. If they don't or won't, just state your opinion on the matter. If you place it out there that you will feel better if they were closer, what can it hurt. You have expressed your opinion on the matter in a non-confrontational way and it is on the table. In the end it is their decision for now. If they become incompetent or unable to care for themselves in the near future, then I feel you should be more aggressive in getting your point across. Once they can't make the decisions, then the ball is in your court.

These things usually have a way of working themselves out.

[tadink]

+1 to this response:

"Get an ironclad professional will written NOW while they are still of sound mind. My grandfather did not have one, and his estate still hasn't fully exited the court system.
Get power of attorney. My grandmother would probably be broke had my parents not done this.
Set up a trust. You need to insure that they will be taken care of until they are gone."

Recently lost both in-laws and my wife is executor of the trust - MIL lived in her own home 24 hour care for the last 3 years, to the tune of about $120k per year. They had planned for that, however, and money was not an issue....unless she had outlived the bank account!

BUT - if they had not had the foresight to set up a good trust account, things would be much different today.

We found the best way to initiate the discussion was to make the Gov't the bad guy - "you are going to leave your estate to taxes if we don't do this right, you don't want all that hard earned money to vaporize do you?"......and then cooperate and coordinate the discussions with the legal team to get it done right.

Don't get me wrong - we fought tooth and nail to get this done amongst strong resistance, but it has to be done right, particularly with the changing tax laws that lower the thresholds for higher tax rates. In CA, with real estate, we're ALL in the grasp of the gub'ment without proper planning!

td

[jcommin]

Like Dot - I have been there and done that. Luckly for me, both of my parents allowed my brother and me to take over things. They were organized and had clearly documented their wishes.

The hardest thing for me was asking my parents for the permission.

[scottmandue]

My parents are in their late 80's

Dad is smart enough to have a will/living trust.

However they are determined to live in their house until they die.

We go over to their house a couple times a week and make dinner for them... recently mom asked "why don't you move in with us?"

I know some of you will think this is selfish/mean of me but sorry but no way... for one thing we have only been married for three years and just getting used to putting up with each other and setting up a home of our own... for another thing they are one step away from needing a full time nurse and neither the wife or I are trained for that.

Add to that they watch the news every night... I HATE watching the news!!! Plus this is the house I grew up in... moving back in would be borderline creepy.

I also have a nice home of my own in a neighborhood I like very much... so I suggested they could move in with us... they were not amused.

My older brother has been begging them to look into assisted living for years... but so far no go... we are also begging dad to give up driving... with the same response...

[12own911]

I know from my mothers death that it helps to plan. With my mom, she had me and my sister as her executer for her bank and stock accounts but nothing else. We decided (sister and I) that she would handle jewerly and I would handle everything else. It's been almost two years and we have not done anything with the stuff. We need to record everything and then post it so people can decide what they would like to have. As for the money, we divided it amoust all of her kids. It wasnt much.

Because of this, I set up a special needs trust, will, and am in the process of buying my plot. l bought the plot right next to where we buried my mom. I hadnt decided on casket yet but probably should as I dont want to be buried in steel.

My Grams is 90 and my no good brother is living with her. He drives her everywhere. He is driving a beat up car that belonged to my mom (other sister had wrecked it) and Grams refuses to allow him to drive her 30 year old OLDs. Her OLDs has 30k miles on it and I wish it was a Porsche. That would have been sweet. My Grams is quasi-rich but lives in a dump. I hate to think what her will has in it. I have tried to talk to her about her life but she refuses to discuss it. All I can say is 'Oh well and move on.