What would you do?

[Eric Coffey]

Originally Posted by rattlsnak

Just to clarify a few things, She understands the risks at her age and is willing to use a donor egg to minimize those risks.

Does she really? If she is in absolute tip-top physical shape, then it would probably be a non-issue. However, if she is even the slightest bit "unhealthy" at that age, it can increase the already higher risk factors. I'd have her read up on the potential (and statistical) complications of having a baby at that age (even with IVF). Have her call several fertility clinics to see what their age cut-off is, and ask them why that is. Maybe find your own factual material for her to see/read (think: scared straight). Just go with an "I'm worried about you" and not an "I told you so" approach/tone. Though, I suppose if she is that determined to have a kid, she may just rationalize/marginalize any potential health risks anyway. Best of luck navigating this one brother.

[Eric Coffey]

Originally Posted by mclovin

vasectomy.

(at your age and stage in life, i don't know why you wouldn't have done it years ago).

+1

[stomachmonkey]

We are the same age.

Hell no.

Sorry for your wife, seriously, I sympathize with her, but still, hell no no no no no.

[Les Paul]

My older brother knocked his hot younger secretary up when he was 52. Never married her but they split time raising him. He's 13 now and my brother has corrected many of the mistakes he had raising his first 2 kids who are 35 and 33. I could ask him if he would do it again.

[LEAKYSEALS951]

I had a kid at 42. Now, at 47, I have several thoughts- Not saying yea or nea.
1. It's nice to have a "life" perspective and maturity in raising a child (the good)
2. I am at the age where for the majority of history, I would be dead, or a grandparent. This is reflected in my aching joints and soreness trying to match my daughter in energy and running around the yard, except I can't give her back to the parents at the end of the day- I am the parent (the bad).
3. Think out the long term ramifications 5 year plan- 10 year plan- 15 yr, etc...(potentially good or bad depending on your situation). Where do you see yourself in 20 years. Where will your child be in 20 years? Is this a situation where you will need to ween the kid off at age 18 because you will be pissing on yourself at that time?

This is where you really want to sit down and have a long heart to heart with your significant other. Go into the discussion speaking your peace, not trying to save a relationship by not speaking your peace (whatever that position/outcome might be).

[onewhippedpuppy]

Sorry man, crappy situation. Assuming you were honest with her during your engagement, I'd probably have to take a hard line stance. All that I ask is that my honesty is reciprocated, sounds like that's not the case here and that's pretty hard to swallow. I'm 37 and my oldest is 7, even at this point I can't imagine starting over. My answer would be a hard no, and if that's not ok then things were never what they appeared anyway.

[pavulon]

If you can find a program willing to take a 47 yo female on for IVF, be very very suspicious. I'd tell her that if it happens naturally, it was meant to be...because the odds of it happening are really low.

That said, good on you for being willing to wrestle with it at your age. She's really fortunate to have you.

[jwasbury]

17 years ago or so, I came down from Vermont to visit my dad in NJ and found him sitting on bag of frozen peas. I asked him what's up and he answered that he'd undergone a small medical procedure...a vasectomy reversal. I was stunned. He was in his early 50's at the time and was about to marry wife #2, who was about 10 years younger, never married and wanted to try for a baby. I asked him if he was ready to go through it all over (my brother and I were graduated from college, careers, etc...he was done). He was willing to do it for her, and I was trying to wrap my brain around the idea that I might have a little baby half sibling running around.

Anyway, the docs hooked up his plumbing, later tested and Dad's boys were still swimming strong, so they went for it. Never happened and turns out it was too late for her to conceive. Dad dodged a bullet on that one I think.

Tough spot to be in and I can only offer this story as support because it sounds pretty similar. My dad wasn't gung ho about it but wanted to make her happy.

Good luck to you, all the best.

[manbridge 74]

Love my kids. The hard work raising them fades quickly. I would put the biscuit in the basket.

[Reg]

I never read all replies but if she really loves you as much as you love her she may settle down after you offer to babysit your grand kid for a week. Does she know much much work it is to raise a kid? I became a dad at 36 and I'm beat chasing after 11 and 9 year old. She'll be almost 60 at that stage. Good Luck!

[Reg]

Plus you both can be the best of the best grandparents!

[masraum]

My vote is "No". Honestly, I think that she'll stay if you say no, and I know that it would really suck if she doesn't, but if that's the case then there was something else going on anyway.

I've got several perspectives on this.

I was 24 when I met my wife and she was 32 with 3 kids. I'm now nearly 47 and my wife is 55. For many years, off and on, my wife has asked "do you want to have a baby?" or "are you sure you don't want to have a baby?" My answer has always been "no" because practically, it was never the right time.

I mentioned this thread to her and what she told me was that every time that she brought it up, if it went past me saying "no" (in the later years), I always provided good, practical reasons for it not being a good idea and she accepted those. She told me (which I'd never known) that there had even been periods when she'd resented it, but not often. 15 months ago, our daughter (my step) had our first grandchild. When our daughter went back to work, my wife started watching the grandchild 5 days a week. It varies from about 45-60 hours a week. He is SO CUTE and just the most wonderful thing, AND absolutely exhausting especially for the wife.

About this thread, my wife said that this feeling will pass for your wife, at least mostly, although it may come up from time to time over the years (my thoughts: especially since your wife has never had a kid).

My wife loves our grandson, but is also very, very happy that we didn't ever have another. We are happy to be empty-nesters even if we are part time not-empty-nesters.

My thoughts, your wife just doesn't get it. The hardest time (from my point of view) is the adolescent years, 13-18 or 13-20. Yeah, some kids are great and some are a huge pain and you really don't know which it would be. You really don't want to be that old with a teen.

Also, and not trying to be morbid here, but how would it be if you (or your wife) passed while the kid was still relatively young? I know that life expectancy is going up, but even with that, folks do start dropping in their 50s and it only accelerates from there.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by reg

i never read all replies but if she really loves you as much as you love her she may settle down after you offer to babysit your grand kid for a week. Does she know much much work it is to raise a kid? I became a dad at 36 and i'm beat chasing after 11 and 9 year old. She'll be almost 60 at that stage. Good luck!

+100

[ppetion]

I have no advice but I'll tell you my curent experience. I am 46 , I have 3 kids from previous marriage , the oldest 20 and the youngest 14.
When I got married the secomd time , I knew iwe would have at least one child together and we did. My wife being the only child told me that I need another child , I was 45. She gave me all the reasons .... I was 44. We decided to go for it . When I had my first daughter with her at 42, I was still very energetic , doing everything, staying up at night , change diapers , activities and all . Now I have the 5 months old , it is a big difference . What a difference 3- 4 years makes . I tried but can't stay up at night , do t have the same energy at all to the point that I feel like I am neglecting her and I can't do what I have done for the other.

Think it thru .

[cstreit]

I guess I would say that it's not just about you, or her, but this person you will bring into the world.

Do you want 2-3 years of sleepless nights?
Will you have the energy to take them out to play ball, play horsey, etc..?
Will you have the dedication to check homework every night when you are 62? 72?

That's kind of a huge thing to discuss after you are married. I don't like to give opinions on such serious stuff - but honestly I'm gonna say you should pass on the next one. It's not like you don't know what it entails - you know EXACTLY what it entails. If you're hesitant, don't bring a person into this world that you don't want. Additionally at 47 and 52 your odds of having issues are very high. Chromosomal, health, etc.. Lots of risk.

This is not something you can do with 1.5 people involved and have a good outcome for anyone involved.

[Wetwork]

This thread reminds me of the time my wife and her best friend, who was single, sat me down at dinner to try to talk me into being her friends sperm donor. Her friend was getting older and wanted a baby.

Screaming in my mind was "It's a trap!"

Well I didn't fall for it, I already had several kids. I said no friggen way in the nicest most caring way I could. In my head I'm a paladin and just saw no good coming of that in any way.

I still get $hit cramps thinking about that. The boys at my SAR Unit sure came up with some elaborate ways for me to knock her up without actually climbing on her he-he..sorry for the derail its mildly related.-WW

ps. I got four years til the last one is out of the nest. I'm 47 and counting down the hours and seconds.

[jcommin]

I read your story - my first thought is why r you posting this here? R u taking a poll? Majority rules?

I have no faith in social media and the last thing I would do is air my linen to the internet. I would look for a safe environment for a discussion. The Pelican forum isn't safe for me. But since you threw it out, good luck luck with the responses - maybe you want to hear what you want to hear.

You need this conversation with your with wife , not with guys like me. I don't know your situation, is it not of interest to me. I am a divorced guy since 2006 and this is the last place I would seek advice. I have a dark story as many others who probably have similar ones - none of which will help you. Because your story is unique to you.

start a conversation with your wife - tell her how you feel. And work on that.

Best to get it out and upfront, you might find other things you took for granted.


sorry to be harsh - tell her how you feel!


all the best.

[RKDinOKC]

When I was in Boy Scouts got involved in a troop that was 50/50 handicapped boys. The Scout Master was the grandparent raising of one of the handicapped boys. Noticed almost all of the parents of those handicapped boys were older parents and had much older siblings.

Would have her take a hard honest look at the risk of not only her potential problems and complications during pregnancy due to her age, but also the chances of the child being physical and/or mentally challenged due to her age. It's not about just being older and raising a child, but possibly being being older and caring for a disabled child.

That would seriously affect my decision.

Have two sisters that wanted more children later in life. I know it is different because they each already had two children of their own. But they both adopted. Not once, but twice each.

[JackDidley]

My dad was 50 when I was born. I missed out on a lot growing up because he was not able to do the things a man should do with his kids. He was physically used up from hard work and a hard life. No way I'd try to raise a kid like that.

[Tobra]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

My first thought is that at that age of 47 what are the chances of having a baby never mind a healthy baby?

this, 47 is too old to have a healthy child, the first of many reasons it is a bad idea.

y'all need to have a serious conversation