Opinions on Couples Therapy?

[smoak]

Well this is a first for me, I am deeply involved in a very committed relationship and am getting married in November. Problem, my fiance has deep seeded trust issues, by no fault of me whatsoever. However, she cannot remove me from the microscope and living like that is tough even if you aren't doing anything wrong. So I suggest maybe some premarital counseling. This is marriage #2 for me and #1 for her. OK, question, do any of you have experience with this stuff, what can I expect for my $$$$ and most importantly DOES IT WORK? Any input from you folks would be greatly appreciated!

[singpilot]

I have discovered that couples therapy works best on your next relationship.

The issues you didn't know you had you'll work on before your next relationship.

The money spent on therapy is usually 'well' spent. The amount of the word 'well' depends on how good your insurance is.

Usually, the third meeting is where the 'doctor' will pull you aside and say "that you are really pretty normal, but that he could write a book on your other half. So hang in there, and I promise to change the names so the guys at the club won't recognize you when I get published."

First meeting is both of you, very pleasant exploration. Then a meeting with only each of you alone. That's where she will 'unload'. That's where you ask "Ok, what now?"

Your Mileage May Vary.

[juanbenae]

past misdeeds by you or another will scar a woman forever. i had the same thing at one time and no matter what you do it can be impossible to change.

i have been a cheatin dog a time or two and my mistrust in her (my chick at the time) grew the more i F'ed around. it was no fault of hers, but my lack of faithfulness lead to me mistrusting her. does that make sense, im wondering? it was like "if i could do it, so could she".

or as a last resort you could go scott peterson if thing dont get better after the wedding.....

best of luck though, whatever you decide

[Neilk]

No experience with any of it, but what happened with marriage #1 if I may ask? Are there any issues with your first marriage that has your fiance worried, or are they all due to her past relationships?

[vash]

marriage counseling helped my good friend. they are alot happier now. like back at the beginning of marriage. if i ever get hitched, i am at least going to do some pre marriage counseling. just in case.

[Overpaid Slacker]

If you think it could help, try it, regardless of what people here say. If you don't and things go poorly with the new bride, you'll always wish you had. A few hundy here may in fact save you buckets o' ducats later, too.

As far as baggage w/ a girlfriend, I'm very up front that I cannot and will not fight their ghosts. WYSIWYG w/ JP, so don't project your demons-of-relationships-past onto me; I won't have it. Period. I made an exception to this rule once and I regret it to this day.

Best of luck; but couples' counseling may improve your odds...

JP

[singpilot]

What JP said. I never resisted going, but there are some real scheister therapists out there. I think in my case(s), every time I went it was because of WHO I ended up with, not that the process did anything except reinforce the routine. Some women live for issues.

Those are the ones I usually end up with.

[ronin]

ditto, sing. and woe to him who enters couples therapy with a female 'shrink.' not even the worst schoolyard bully ambush compares to the beating you'll receive when their combined forces team up on you. it feels like having been blindsided by the Steel Curtain, only worse

[vash]

nice point, i think the act of my friend willingness to even try it, proved to his wife that he was going to fight to save the marriage. so she did to.

[ronin]

lucky man! many women appear to simply use it as an opportunity to deal out some heavy criticism and paint themselves as "victims" in the process

not exactly what I call a proactive approach to problem solving

[Moneyguy1]

There is a thing called "Engaged Encounter", generally associated with the Catholic Church, but really open to everyone and is really non denominational. It is an entire weekend and covers a lot of the difficulties that a couple face before, and after marriage. It is all about trust, dependence and independence. It is an intense experience.

I used to give these weekends, and success was not measured just in couples that solidified their committment to each other, but in the number who decided to either wait or move on. In each case, a potential disaster was averted which was also a success.

It is affiliated with "Marriage Encounter", so I would advise getting info on it as a possible alternative to the individual counselor. And, if you do choose the counselor route, try to find a couple that work together. At least there will be no gender bias that way.

The best of luck.

Lack of trust by one is death to a relationship.

[nostatic]

couples therapy can be very helpful if you get a good person. I think that solo therapy is a damn good idea too so that people figure out what makes them do the dumbarse things they do (and then have a chance to change it).

Also, therapy only works if the people want it to work...and it is hard work and often painful/ugly. Digging around in the deep recesses of honesty makes for some *interesting* times.

BUT, ymmv, and there are plenty of jokes/stories of the crappy therapy sessions. And many of them are based in truth.

[ronin]

Originally posted by Moneyguy1
Lack of trust by one is death to a relationship.

that all depends on how you define trust. if you define it as general trust with the critical understanding that - no matter what - any human being posesses the potential, given the right circumstances, to do anything at any time, then you'll be alright. anything else is foolhardy

[djmcmath]

Most churches will do marriage counseling for church members. My dad did those for a long long time, with some really great success stories. There was one where the guy insisted on honeymooning by backpacking in Death Valley, and we're still not sure that marriage is a winner, but most of the others came out pretty well. Many churches won't do the marriage unless some requesite counseling has been done!

That said, I'll second the opinions of most of the others here -- if you get a good counselor, and if you and your partner approach it with the attitude of "preventative maintenance," rather than "provocative maintenance" it can be very beneficial. If you come at it with wrong attitudes, it'll be a waste of time and money. Oh, no it won't -- you're not married yet. If you come into it wrong and discover that she's not the one, you haven't signed the marriage stuff yet, so you're golden: marriage counseling could save you from making a poor choice.


Best wishes to ya,

Dan

[juanbenae]

sounds like sing and i are fishing from the same pond. i find chicks that are either mathbooks or coatracks.

one has a bunch of problems the others all hang-ups

[ronin]

excellent points, Dan. too many couples rush into marriage blindly, fueled by the heat of the moment. there should definitely be some consideration and effort given to ascertain if the relationship really has potential for longevity before the knot is tied

[Moneyguy1]

Ronin..

Agreed. One of the images given is that of two trees growing side by side. If they grow straight but entwine their branches, they help each other survive wind and storm, combining their strength. If, however, they lean on each other, should one fall, its weight takes the other with it so neither can survive.

A good relationship consists of trust, giving some leeway to the partner, understanding of minor transgressions, the ability to discuss and resolve petty differences, compromise and the understanding that the other party is to be accepted, if at all, with the warts he or she came with. If those defects are unacceptable now, they will still be unacceptable in the future. This last point is the greatest single catch in failed relationships; the idea that the other will change or that you will be able to change them.

[jstgermaine]

I feel for you smoak! My first marriage was to a woman with quite the trust issue. Said boyfriend did this, said boyfriend did that...I don't trust you because of what said boyfriend did...

...had several friends try to make me see the light up to and including my reception.

Her own mother even tried to talk me out of it.

I did what Ronin described...rushed in...and felt like the standing tree in Moneyguy1's post.....

Marriage lasted 6 months and I left TENS of thousands poorer...have I mentioned how much I love community property states?

[ronin]

Originally posted by Moneyguy1
This last point is the greatest single catch in failed relationships; the idea that the other will change or that you will be able to change them.

exactly. and what's worse is that I see so many people hanging on, thinking that "if we simply (fill in the blank with redundant and irrelevant act here), he or she will change and everything will be alright"

[BlueSkyJaunte]

A woman thinks she can change her husband to be the man she wants; a man thinks his wife will stay the same as when he started dating her.