marriage advice?

[Isabo]

I think there's a lot of good advice in this thread. Especially from Z-man (11 out of 12), Groesbeck and on-ramp.
All I'd add is that you can't have too much sex, communication or money in a marriage.
Good luck and happiness to both of you.

[notfarnow]

very good advice zoltan...

I am particularly interested in your words about prenups. I have difficulty considering them as marriage advice... seems more like pre-emptive divorce advice. We aren't getting a pre-nup. I'm kind ain teh same boat as you... she could take everything, my "stuff" doesn't much matter. Not that she's the materialistic type... she didn't want me to buy an engagement ring, she wanted us to get something we'd both enjoy. We commissioned a painting instead, of the deli we used to work at 10 years ago... that's where we met.

[JeremyD]

Jeremy's 5 Keys to Marriage Success

First is true love - rent the movie The Princess Bride - You have to have true love.

Second is Communication - you have to be able to talk about EVERYTHING - even the uncomfortable stuff

Third is compromise - think for two now instead of one... "I know what I want to do, but what do you think she wants to do."

Fourth is respect - treat her with respect - make sure she treats you with respect. Without respect it's pretty hard to do well at the first three.

Fifth is have fun - have fun with each other. If you have kids - take time for just you two. If you don't then suprise her every so often. Take her on a trip - take her to a fancy hotel one night... mandatory fun - schedule it in if you have to...

[RoninLB]

Originally posted by notfarnow

, and have lived together for 4 years.

perfect.

She's beyond the phase of "I can fix it."

otherwise kids will exchange your girl friend for a business partner.

all the best to you both.

[JavaBrewer]

Originally posted by Z-man
6. Don't do a prenupt. It only sets the stage for doubt and mistrust. Manage your finances together. My take on the whole financial thing is this: if Kim (my wife) ever left me for whatever reason, it wouldn't matter to me if she took the house, and all my money as well. If Kim leaves, I've already lost that which is most precious in my life, and nothing else really matters. Be willing to put a higher value on your relationship instead of your assests -- it puts things in a better perspective.

100% agreed. Prenupts have no place in a marriage. If you feel you need/want one then you're marrying the wrong person. edit - or you are not ready for marriage. Your spouse and kids are worth far more than material assets. Look at the divorce rate among celebrities - the problem there is not about money or fame, it's ego. These people are so full of themselves that they don't have room for anyone else.

[pwd72s]

"A happy union is not one of perfect partners, but the triumph of love over imperfections" -Anon

(edit) 30 years and one day for Cindy & I. I keep hoping it'll work out.

[Mule]

The best advice I've found is here: Marriage Advice for men

[notfarnow]

Originally posted by Mule
The best advice I've found is here: Marriage Advice for men

Geez... entertaining but kinda looks like a website for as##oles who married b##ches.

[911Rob]

Hey, the Zman made some great points; I'd concur.

Relationships are the keys to a happy life.
We choose our relationships; and who you choose for your wife will say alot about you.

If you love, cherish and respect your wife; it tells me you know how to make good decisions and then stick with them. Afterall, there is no more important relationship that we choose on Earth than with our spouses.

You will need a 'program' to stay "in Love" and you and your wife should set your dreams and goals together..... then work as a team to get them. Take up interests that build your relationship, not tear them apart.

My secret weapon in life.... my wife. Without her, I'd be nothing, absolutely nothing and she knows it, because I show it.

We've been married over 25 years now, with 5 children and two grandchildren..... if you build your life properly with your spouse, it will create the greatest happiness you could ever expect to achieve! Grow together, not apart.

Take advise ONLY from people who have what you want. No offense to divorsed or broken couples, those things happen; but dont take advise from someone who doesn't love his wife. Period. You dont want to know what they know.

In business relationships, I always find out how a person feels about his spouse and how they treat them. If they dont treat the most important person in their lives with respect, well I got some news for ya..... when times get tough in Business, and they will; guess who's character is gonna fly as high as a flag?

My greatest accomplishment is marrying my wife, and I hope it will be yours too.

Good job Z.... what he said, goes for me too.

Cheers!
PS
Get some books on relationships from your Church or Library, I'd highly recommend the author "Gary Smalley".

[Dixie]

If you had to give one piece of advice for a long, happy marriage, what would it be?

Study her mother. In ten years, that will be your wife.

[M.D. Holloway]

Good Luck and hopefully you will look at her the same in 20 yrs as you do now.

Just remember that the wedding is her day. She may be a bundle of nerves until it is happening. Just deal with it. She will be on stage and everyone will be focused on her. She will be the "queeen" for the day. Let her have it. Make sure you tell her many times how beautiful she is and how much you are looking forward to your life together.

After it, the let down will be a little rough. Make the best of the honeymoon. Make sure she "" twice as many times as you. That is your mission! In fact, make that your charter.

Share the chores even if you work full time and she doesn't.

Start a savings plan and keep to it - even if it is a few bucks a week.

Set your goals for the house and future together and stay on track. She my let it slip and then again you may - keep the focus. It will help in the long run.

Listen more than ever - shut off the TV and look at her prattle on when she goes into some idiotic rant. Just listen and be supportive.

Never get between her and a family member or if she gets into you about your mother. No matter what, she is #1, all else is #2.

[gatotom]

All very good advise........

myself, been married to the same woman for 30 yrs, we have raised 3 children , the last one just graduated from hs.

this past weekend I walked my only daughter down the isle, quite the moving experience, actually shed a tear or two...wonderful time.

like my grandpa told me when I got married, put a penny in the jar every time you get it the first 5 yrs.....and after that take a penny out the jar and in your lifetime you will never empty that jar. I had to redress the 5 yr point in saying that it would be safer to say 15 yrs and then take a penny out... probably will now never empty that jar.

communication, communication, communication...that is it...

be honest and truthful, never lie and screw like rabbits....it works for me and besides it is good for your back.

oh, and yes, we live about 2500 miles from the inlaws

[Oh Haha]

My .02.
Being divorced once, I never imagined that I would find the "right" one.
I did, when I wasn't looking, I might add. Pretty, smart, funny, etc. All of the things I wished for in my first go around. I knew from the moment I asked my wife out on our first date that I would marry her. She is exactly the woman that I had wished for. We have done everything in our life so far the way WE want to, not what may have been suggested by well meaning family members. What the others have said about a respect for your wife is 100% true. I may not always agree with her, but I respect my wife for the person she is. We bicker and nag each other over stupid things just like most couples but at the end of the day, we love each other with all of our being. This love and cherishment is flowing over into our little boy now. Sure, we don't do it as often as we used to but , you know what, it doesn't matter to me. My only piece of advice that no one has mentioned is to talk each day. I still call my wife at least once a day just to talk while I am on the road.

[techweenie]

Break routines before they become routines.

Every 2 or 3 years, you have to back up a bit and think as if you were "courting" her; not married to her.

You'll both change a bit as you age, and the inability to see your spouse with fresh eyes is the beginning of the end.

[Moneyguy1]

I would have to respectfully disagree with the blanket statement that a prenup is not a good idea. Of course, with first-timers, there are no children involved. If, however, there are children from a previous marriage and there is no prenup, the estate goes to the new spouse and upon that individual's death, to her heirs, not yours. What works well in these instances, especially if one of the individuals is contributing a house for which the other has no input, a prenup can carry a "life estate" clause in which the survivor has full rights for their lifetime and then the house goes to the children of the original owner as "remaindermen".

Other than that, treat all that happens after marriage as "ours" not "mine" or "yours". Have no secrets re: money or relationships. Disagreements over money are the number one factor in destroying a good relationship.

Have "dates" on a regular basis.

Insist on sufficient individual time for both of you. Beware of developing a needy attitude for either you or your partner. One should not eclipse the persona of the other.

Remember: "Good looks don't last; good cookin' do."

[gavinlit]

Great reading for me too guys - looking at walking down the aisle next year. Interesting to get a range of perspectives on the subject - I particularly like the idea of 'having' to screw like rabbits. If that's one of the things that needs to be done...then I guess we all have to make sacrifices

[SLO-BOB]

Originally posted by notfarnow
great advice...

A little background: We've been good friends for 10 years, been a couple for 4 years, and have lived together for 4 years. We own a house together as well.

She's an excellent communicator... much better than me. When my lack of communication became a barrier on a couple issues, we went to counselling. I wasn't particularly excited to do that, for fear that I would be found to be "at fault"... err... which I was. In the end, I was just as glad to get through that early on.

Sounds to me like you're already married. The second paragraph tells me your marriage has a good chance of making it once you formalize it. Marriages take work, humility, and compromise. If you try hard and stay faithful, she will continue to be the beautiful woman you went on that first date with-no matter how old you both are. It's a wonderful thing.

Lots of really great advice above-I'm impressed. One that stands out to me, but certainly isn't superior to the other great advice is:

911 Rob said-
"Take advise ONLY from people who have what you want. No offense to divorsed or broken couples, those things happen; but dont take advise from someone who doesn't love his wife. Period. You dont want to know what they know."

Kind of like mountain biking-look where you want to go, not where you don't want to go. That kind of negativity can be infectious and really bring a couple down. Stay away!

Good luck and Congrats!

[widebody911]

Earthquakes in Cali, trouble in the middle east, and Mule and I agree on something. Drop your c*cks and grab your s*cks - the end of the world is nigh!

Originally posted by Mule
The best advice I've found is here: Marriage Advice for men

[Mule]

Great advice eh Thom? I especailly like the Famous Quotes section. A few of my favorites:
# "An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie

# "Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one."
WC Fields

# "My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophillia a bad name."
Patrick Murray

# "Women should be obscene and not heard."
Groucho Marx

# "Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking."
Rupert Hughes

# "Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing."
Sean Williamson

# "Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends'."
Jeffrey Bernard

Or this gem:

Only marry foreign women.

"Now you understand why US men prefer foreign born women: THEY TREAT US BETTER, RESPECT US, APPRECIATE THAT AFFECTION WE SHOW THEM, AND ACKNOWLEDGE OUR EFFORTS TO PROVIDE A BETTER LIFE."

A huge percentage of American women are selfish, flighty, insecure, needy and psychotic, and quite capable of concealing those traits during the dating phase

White 'career' American chicks are the bottom of the barrel marriage-wise.

Foreign women from South America, Eastern Europe, and Asia are at the top. Only guys who travel (in other words, guys who are successful and ambitious enough to travel a lot) find these. But they never, ever go back.

Foreign-born women living in the US are the next best. They get married early...they are highly sought-after by American guys for their wifely skills (hell, any women who has ANY ability to be a wife is better than your average American chick, who knows NOTHING about being a wife)

Bottom of the barrel---white American chicks. Yecch.

Here's a story: I knew a guy who was Hungarian (parents emigrated) who tried for 15 years to find a half-decent women to marry. He's a doctor, by the way. Finally after 8 psycho-weirdo US chicks, he went back to the 'old country' to find a wife. The people there were lining the women up for him to meet...he's a rich American guy...they are considered the best husbands in the world.

He found this lovely wife. She is a total gem, and he's happy as hell. 2 kids. Happily ever after.

[Westy]

No one seemed to cover this one,,,Never, I repeat NEVER argue about money!

Do not marry a woman who's jealousy is so that if you notice an attractive woman she becomes angry.

,,,,,and, never call a woman a "Split Tail"