Oh the joys of depression

[mudman]

Backpacking solo, weekend fishing on empty rivers in northern MI. In fact I time my trips to the off season so I don't see anyone. The Bruce Trail gets mghty cold in November but then I don't want to kill people or myself. I used to ride My MTB 150+ miles a week, all by myself.

[mudman]

Thanks for the right to hijack Damon!

[bigchillcar]

could very well be, damon. read up on it, ptsd doesn't happen only to war veterans..and it doesn't have to be a 'single, causal event'..in my case it was mostly years of chronic stress that always kept me on the verge of theat 'fight or flight response', which leads to anxiety/panic. all it took then was a couple of near-death experiences when i was in command to push me over the edge and have to give up flying professionally. later, i started having symptoms in other completely un-related areas..even work (interviewing) and my god, even some in dating (certain social things i guess). i take remeron for depression (barely works, but no side effects at least) and klonopin and neurontin for anxiety..it's mostly controlled, but once you've lived through a period of almost constant anxiety attacks (got to where if i thought about one, i'd HAVE one), you never forget them and let's just say, you 'hesistate' in life where you used to 'dive right in'. it really does rob you of your ability to experience joy in a full manner. today i just try and keep things easy..i just try to 'survive'.
ryan

[Jon Merck]

Dang! I thought I was the only one struggling with this for the last 2-3 years...I think I'm on my way out of the mire. Don't really know what triggered it, maybe mid-life?

I do have suggestions that have helped me.
Medication helps...see your doctor.
Exercise.
Do not drink alcohol or take any kind of depressant.
Volunteer or help someone.
Love your wife, children or significant other.
Do one thing you enjoy, hiking, camping, trackday, whatever.
Practice your faith.
Talk to a trusted friend about what's going on and be honest.
Seek out other's that have been down this road.
Above all HOPE!

[Mulhollanddose]

One way out of depression...Abide the Ten Commandments, repent of your sin and find Jesus.

Electroconvulsive stimulation works too.

FSTNBLK's approach certainly helps...almost sounds like a friend of Bill.

[Mulhollanddose]

Originally posted by mudman
same here, except I'm 99% home right now...

Big problem, buddy...Isolation is bad news, take it from the king of isolation.

[Mulhollanddose]

Depression is but a symptom of an underlying spiritual malady, incurable by pharmaceuticals or counseling...Only a relationship with God (there is only One) can bring you out of it.

Praise the Lord...it worked for me, it works for countless alcoholics and drug addicts as I once was.

[mudman]

I abide by some common Truths, and find spiritual (used to find that is) happiness in many places.

On the isolation thing, I feel isolated, my head from the rest of the world, even though I live with my wife and son. The last two weeks I've been out more than ever, I take my son to school and pick him up 4 days a week, and I went to the grocery store once too. It doesn't feel right being out though.

[nostatic]

Originally posted by Mulhollanddose
Depression is but a symptom of an underlying spiritual malady, incurable by pharmaceuticals or counseling...Only a relationship with God (there is only One) can bring you out of it.

Praise the Lord...it worked for me, it works for countless alcoholics and drug addicts as I once was.

One god for *you*. Please don't speak for everyone else...

There are plenty of viable spiritual paths to walk that can help.

[Don Ro]

This deal is far more common than most consider. And it's deadly serious.
The symptoms and many suggestions put forth here are spot-on!
.
I've been self-employed since '79...have gone through 3 burnouts in that period.
My last burnout became depression, based on my knowledge of the symptoms.
All the info I gathered, from my psych friends and my readings, gave me agreement, and was helpful.
My last bout (5 - 6 yrs. ago) was the worst.
I ran my business by remote control - at one point I didn't leave the house for over 2 weeks.
I would call my field boss a few nights/week to give instructions.

Here's how bad it got for me:
I went 6 months w/o sending out any invoices - I hate paperwork, but it got really bad during this period.
Minor achievements, like cutting my fingernails, became huge - 'was like I had just reached the top of Mt. Everest.
Then one morning, I dropped the cap of the toothpaste tube on the floor...and all hell broke loose.
I looked down and said, "Oh *****."
I went down to pick it up, and my body just continued down until there I was, totally on the floor sobbing.
To fetch that cap was just another "obligation" piled on top of the load of all the other obligations from which I was hiding out. It was pathetic and painful.
.
My psych friends (psychiatrist, psychologist, etc.) told me that meds may work, but I would be much better off if I could work through it w/o them...if not, then consider them. I support anyone who wishes to do meds, BTW.

So what I did was to allow myself to surrender to the impoverished state of mind.
I discovered that, at some level, I liked being depressed because then I had a reason to avoid my obligations.
At first, there was a queer form of liberation in that surrender.
BUT, once in that state of surrender, it became very clear to me that I could lose my business, home, and property if I didn't get on w/some sort of fight. Surrendering eventually scared the ***** outa me.
.
Fortunately for me (and like many of you), I was raised with a strong work ethic and I began to become embarrassed at my willingness to be depressed. To me, that's what is was, a willingness to collapse into depression w/o putting up a fight.
I also noticed that it wasn't smart to wait until the motivation showed up to physically work out, and to get on with the job of completing my obligations. So I *forced* myself to do minor things one at a time...hoping that from that I would gain some "Grace" little by little and return to some sense of personal achievement and Value.

It was a slow painful process for me, many set-backs, but I remained steadfast with my "To Do" list and goals.
When I had zero motivation, I would say to myself, "You can feel bad and whine all you like, it's OK. But you're coming along with me as I get these things done. WTF will happen to you if you simply set about getting things done? Some big-ass monster gwine come along and toss your sorry ass up against the wall?"
Some times I would have tears running down my face as I did paperwork, did my laundry, and worked the business, etc.
What I faced within myself was that I simply did not have a choice. I just could not accept the consequences of remaining in that state of mind.

Oh, and I went the alcohol route, too. That made it worse.
Each morning after, I would suffer the internal betrayal, create another agreement w/myself, yet drink again at night.
The journey through and out of this entire ordeal became a deep spiritual practice for me.
No religiosity was involved.
.
Well, that's some of my story. Thanks for sharing, all.
Good luck, brothers.

[Wrecked944]

Aside from meds, I have found that putting Mul on my Ignore list solved about 80% of my problems. Suddenly, colors all seem more vibrant and the air smells sooooo sweet.

...and...

...is that music I hear?...

[nostatic]

Don, great story. I know those feelings all too well, and in fact have been in a work funk for well over a year. Been really bad lately...not sure how I'm getting anything done. And like you said, the little things get tough. Last night I had to force myself to do laundry...it was about all I could muster. Well, I got my son dinner...that's one thing I can't really shirk.

One foot in front of the other though...

[Jon Merck]

Originally posted by Mulhollanddose
One way out of depression...Abide the Ten Commandments, repent of your sin and find Jesus.

Electroconvulsive stimulation works too.

FSTNBLK's approach certainly helps...almost sounds like a friend of Bill.

I just gotta know, "Bill who?"

[mudman]

I did go to a doctor (my son's) for something unrelated, and he asked me if I was feeling 'OK'. Ended up trying several meds over a couple month's time, but with out insurance and no real improvement I stopped. I just found out that through some error I am still covered under my parent's policy. I relly want to get back on Adderal, that helped a ton with another problem but is $230/mo with out insurance. I want to see a Dr. soon but I keep making excuses. Tax refund will be here soon so the money excuse is out the window.

[RANDY P]

Depression is a crappy thing. I pretty much have cut off all formal stuff at home. I've thrown myself into work..

No visitors at the house, no going to invited social events - except the UPM which I made myself go to...

I haven't tried to throw myself out a window yet, but I do wonder daily if my life will ever change - like a big long tunnel....

Can't even get fired up for relationships anymore..

I don't feel like doping up to deal with it, and otherwise I'm still level headed. The sun helped here quite a bit tho.. (LV)

[Joeaksa]

Originally posted by FSTNBLK
I just gotta know, "Bill who?"

Its kinda a question that if you have to ask, you might not want to know.

"a friend of Bill" are people in AA...

I have not been but there sure have been times I have thought about it.

[nostatic]

Originally posted by FSTNBLK
I just gotta know, "Bill who?"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_W.

[bigchillcar]

my ptsd, with its chronic anxiety and depression fluctuations, has been almost more than i can bear these past 6 years. last summer, some of you know i even tried suicide. i was living in a state park..middle of no where..only one in the park, a cpl miles from the entrance and i just stopped eating one day and kept on sleeping. my gf came out to see me, kissed me goodbye and that was the last i ever saw of her..she'd had enough. i took a entire prescription of xanax, plus all my other pills and downed a bottle of wine, bottle of sherry and one of vodka. my family found me the next day unconscious, but alive..i woke up a day and a half later in the hallway of the local e.r. from there i spent a few days in the 'crisis center' before release. i stayed with family several weeks, sold the rv and bought a home. ever since then, i returned to the gym and began studying for a strength coaching certification exam for which i'm leaving tomorrow to drive to oklahoma city to take on saturday am. wish me luck..i've had the toughest time studying while climbing out of this hole. i might add..and this is important..at the time i tried to end my life, i had decided a cpl weeks earlier to quit all my meds 'cold turkey'..i was taking gabatril, cymbalta and wellbutrin..all at the same time and just stopped. don't ever do that..

anyway, i still think about suicide, but something happened that has made me stop and consider the consequences of this route. i'm 40, but my 27 year old brother has recently 'come down' with an anxiety disorder (gee..is it any wonder dad was a raging alcoholic because of anxiety? wonder if there's a genetic link..wink, wink). anyway, now i have a responsibility to him. it would be a terrible legacy for him to see his older brother, who has been like the only 'dad' he's ever had, kill himself over something that he's now having to learn how to fight. it's like now i don't have an 'exit pass'. i have to stick around, if for no other reason than to support him. and i'm kind of like randy now..not really big on 'relationships'..gonna take a special woman to repair trust in women for me after feeling abandoned by one. sure i was sick, but..i'd not have abandoned her.
ryan

[mudman]

I think about suicide a lot. Not necessarily doing it but just thinking about it. My son is what would keep me from ever seeing it through. I do scare myself sometimes.

Ryan, good luck on the test! I hope you are seeing a new life out of it.
-Jeremy

[pwd72s]

Guys, just wanted you to know I think it takes a lot of guts for you to make these posts. I've been down during several of life's crisis times. Periods of depression lasting as long as months. But somehow I knew "things would get better"...and they did. I've never gone through the full time horrors I've read here. My best wishes ride with all of you. Also, thanks for the tips on how to deal with a funk... Paul