Tough ultimatum from spouse

[livi]

In my state of frustration and ambivalence I admit to having approached a few of my closest friends with my dilemma. They have known me for decades and made good friends with her too over the last years. Never said a bad word about her to me. Until I asked. I was perplexed. They all seemed kind of relieved to finally get a chance to tell me what they had thought of her for a long time. Since I obviously seemed so fond of her they had not had the heart to say anything. Secretly they all despised her. One of them said: You must be blind, deaf or plain masochistic Markus. First time you introduced her to me I knew she would eat you alive.
They all had the same impression of her! I could not believe it. However, being my friends, I still could not rule out a certain degree of bias. Thats where I figured you guys would serve an objective review.

And you have - with such astounding quality. You seem to have grasped the very essence of the drama - and not least made me feel better about my self.

[Tervuren]

Originally posted by cool_chick
Dude, normally, I'd agree. But these statements make me wonder what her perspective can possibly be?

She could be very scared of losing him, and is desperately pulling all the strings to force him to stay. I've seen it happen with someone I know - said she was going to do things that would of potentialy put him in jail. (Although did not actualy do it). Very stressfull situation.

If thats the case, then she is seriously taking teh wrong approach about this.

[FrayAdjacent911]

I think you have it man. Cover your a$$ and get out. The consensus is in.

I hope everything turns out OK, but I would still try to get a lawyer and fight for custody of your daughter, or good visitation rights, with consequences for her if she does not abide by them. (but good luck on that... fathers get screwed in situations like this.... but that's a whole other discussion!)

[Moses]

Originally posted by livi
One of them said: You must be blind, deaf or plain masochistic Markus. First time you introduced her to me I knew she would eat you alive.

Well, there you have it. Yikes!!!! Eject, man. EJECT!!!!

[cool_chick]

Originally posted by Tervuren
She could be very scared of losing him, and is desperately pulling all the strings to force him to stay. I've seen it happen with someone I know - said she was going to do things that would of potentialy put him in jail. (Although did not actualy do it). Very stressfull situation.

If thats the case, then she is seriously taking teh wrong approach about this.

Oh I'm sure. That's the sign of a crippledly insecure person. People like that can never healthily love.

[Moneyguy1]

OK...from the old romantic....

Conditional love is not love. It is a method of control.

[livi]

Moses, I misread EJECT. Thought for moment you said EJACULATE!

[Don Ro]

Originally posted by livi
Secretly they all despised her. One of them said: You must be blind, deaf or plain masochistic Markus. First time you introduced her to me I knew she would eat you alive.
They all had the same impression of her! I could not believe it.

Well, there you go.
As I intimated previously, the issue is not totally about her. It's about: What's going on with livi's interiority that would have him make this particular selection error?
As I see it at this point, that ought to be of great concern and focus.
All else will fall into place, eventually.

[Tobra]

Get everything you can in order and get away from her, taking the child with you. She will use the child as a cudgel on you, which is none too good for you, and severely damaging to the child. Sooner this happens the better.

Your friends tolerated her and remained silent to remain friends. IF they had told you their true feelings when you were "under her spell" so to speak, it would have been hard for them to stay your friends. It is fine for someone to say, "My wife is a bitch", but an altogether different matter to say, "Your wife is a bitch"

[wcc]

Another thing to do as you talk to your lawyer and setting this all up. Start slowly hiding stuff. Like your friend needs to borrow your tools. I loaned the boat out but I can't remember to who. You get my drift. That'll be just less stuff for her to destroy, steal, or sell on you.

[RoninLB]

some things need cave man action imo.

[Tervuren]

Originally posted by Tobra
Get everything you can in order and get away from her, taking the child with you. She will use the child as a cudgel on you, which is none too good for you, and severely damaging to the child. Sooner this happens the better.

Your friends tolerated her and remained silent to remain friends. IF they had told you their true feelings when you were "under her spell" so to speak, it would have been hard for them to stay your friends. It is fine for someone to say, "My wife is a bitch", but an altogether different matter to say, "Your wife is a bitch"

A true freind would of told him - even if she tried to turn that freinds life into big trouble.

[Joeaksa]

Originally posted by bigchillcar
if nothing else, perhaps along the lines pat is mentioning, hide a tape recorder in your pocket to record all the retaliatory threats and expletives. don't know swedish laws concerning recording another party without their knowledge, but better to have and not need, than to need and not have. or if you know for a fact that it's inadmissable if she doesn't know about it, tell her the conversation's being recorded.
ryan

Good advise! I did the same thing with my ex- and it really helped. She tried to act like an angel until the proof came out what she was really like.

You now have some time to prepare yourself for your new future. Get your head in the right place and start collecting things in your life that you cannot replace, like your family heirlooms and take them someplace where she cannot get to them.

Its not easy but in the end she does not care for you, or she would not act this way. You have to take care for yourself and your young child. At least you are looking ahead...

Joe A

[Isabo]

Like the guys have told you. Start moving your valuables and get out. The quicker the better. it doesn't sound as if she is giving you anything. You are in the wrong relationship and it is not going to get better.

[Don Plumley]

Markus - I'm sorry to read of your situation. It sounds like you have received a lot of good advice. I'd like to relate a "worst-case" scenario; but out of respect for my friend I'll drop you a private note.

Good Luck,

Don

[stomachmonkey]

Originally posted by livi
Thank you all for your replies. She (or the whole relationship) has turned me into a person I donīt recognize. Feels like I have no back bone left. She has turned me into jelly in her hands.

Dude,

Have not read the whole thread yet but based on that statement I'd say you are in a relationship with an abusive personality.

You think it's bad now?

She sounds a step or two away from becoming physically abusive.

You need to get you and your child away from this woman.

Good luck.

And if you need a sane soundingboard just PM. I'm a good listener.

Scott

[nostatic]

I had the same experience with friends not saying anything about my first wife (she was a cold one). That's often the way it works, and good friends often keep quiet because they figure that there must be something good there otherwise you wouldn't be in the relationship.

And just to reinforce a couple of other comments: one of THE most important things is for *you* to figure out why you chose her, and why you stuck around so long. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but your situation says a lot about you, your past, and your personality. If you don't get to the root issues, you will just repeat this pattern with the next one (ask me how I know). This is critically important: find a good shrink and get to the very difficult and painful work of figuring out why you unconciously believe that you are not worthy of a good relationship. Our unconcious mind is incredibly powerful, and drives us to do things that we don't even realize. You would not believe the things I've sorted out over the last month...so many past decisions make sense in light of how my unconcious mind works. I though I was doing something for a particular reason, but the real drivers were totally different...and very, very sick. Time to break those cycles.

[cool_chick]

Originally posted by nostatic
I had the same experience with friends not saying anything about my first wife (she was a cold one). That's often the way it works, and good friends often keep quiet because they figure that there must be something good there otherwise you wouldn't be in the relationship.

That's not why. It's because when you intervene, sometimes the partner you're talking to gets angry at YOU because (s)he is brainwashed or smitten or whatever by the nightmare person and then becomes your enemy. You need be there for them when they realize it, but they need to come to terms on their own.

Happened to me once. Never again.

[nostatic]

could be a little from column a...a little from column b. my buddy specifically said he didn't say anything because he assumed the sex was great or *something*...he wasn't worried about me getting pissed off.

[FrayAdjacent911]

I am glad that, I think, my relationship bullshyte meter will be very sensitive with the experiences I've had, and seen, in my life. It would take a lot for me to want to marry a woman. I want to be damn sure she's THE ONE before I get that far.

.. so I need to find a woman that likes guns and shooting, is intelligent, beautiful, doesn't mind my expensive hobbies (including the Porsche)...