Tough ultimatum from spouse - Page 2

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

ditto with what c_c says, livi...speak with an attorney first about your rights, then draw up a plan of action and - follow through. nothing about this woman makes her sound worthy of an iota more of your love, time and attention. maybe your 'love' you describe for her is borne more out of simply 'being used to her' or because she's the mother of your daughter..but YOU deserve better and could no doubt make an even better parent without feeling constantly 'beaten down' by this..this..person. but definitely speak with an attorney first about what steps need to be taken to insure that your rights and priveleges, where your daughter are concerned, are protected. hopefully, there's a solution you'll be able to come up with that doesn't have to involve fitting her for a new pair of shoes (mortar comes to mind)..

ryan

Rot 911 · 04-20-2006, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by livi
[B]
My current spouse. . .

You obviously don't see her as being around forever. Yes it is going to be hell and hurt for a period of time while you are splitting up. Beats the pain you have been going through.

StevoRocket · StevoRocket's Garage

Your woman sounds exactly like my ex wife, mother of my only son, she always threatened to take my son away from me in arguments.
Eventually she ran off with her boss when my son was 11. After 2 years she got him to live with her. Then she started on the reducing contact ploy. Net effect is a son I see rarely after a period of 4 years when he refused to talk to me.
Now he's 21 I have told him why she left - why her brother wont talk to her and a few more hometruths. He's beginning to communicate more.
The real bonus of this situation was the wonderful woman I met through a dating web site - 5 years of bliss with a superb wife was a just reward for the pain my ex put me through.
You and your children have one life - one chance for some happiness - dont be a victim any longer.
Make your plan as mentioned above - get the advice and guidance you need and then get rid of her.

livi · 04-20-2006, 06:41 AM

I not sure you good folks can appreciate how much your words mean to me. I am still in a haze from being told so many times I am the bad guy - I have seriously started to believe her. You start to make me feel there is a light in the tunnel and that leaving her will not make me the greatest bastard on the planet.

You should all spend a weekend together writing a manual on these issues. It would hit the best seller list like a rocket. Dr Phil is old news.

RickM · RickM's Garage

Good Luck. Hopefully Swedish laws and judges are more reasonable with mens'/fathers' rights than here in the US.

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

livi..i spent three years with a woman i loved, just like you, but once i lost my aviation career it was never the same. her family no longer looked upon me as the 'great provider' and this extended to her friends and former in-laws who wanted to see her re-marry a doctor or lawyer, etc. (she was a widow). so she rode the fence, trying to please everybody. i wasn't welcome at her family's house the last two xmas'..i finally woke up and said, 'wtf?' i'd never had a woman and her family stare down their noses at me ever before in my life..but like you, i loved the woman and kept trying to give the benefit of the doubt. i finally had to make the tough choice to leave..fortunately, no kids involved. don't get me wrong - it's a quiet, lonely place in my house now..dating in my 40's hasn't been like it was in my 20's when it was a 'free for all lovefest'...i'm older now and my needs and wants have changed, but at least all options are available to me now. i've at least got the opportunity to meet someone special..and nobody's calling me a 'loser' for losing my career anymore. something to be said for peace of mind. i can do whatever the hell i want to now. sometimes i have to remind myself of that..it isn't always easy being alone when you've become accustomed to a partner for a long time, but another will come along. one for me, one for you, too..

ryan

fastpat · 04-20-2006, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by StevoRocket
Your woman sounds exactly like my ex wife, mother of my only son, she always threatened to take my son away from me in arguments.
Eventually she ran off with her boss when my son was 11. After 2 years she got him to live with her. Then she started on the reducing contact ploy. Net effect is a son I see rarely after a period of 4 years when he refused to talk to me.
Now he's 21 I have told him why she left - why her brother wont talk to her and a few more hometruths. He's beginning to communicate more.
The real bonus of this situation was the wonderful woman I met through a dating web site - 5 years of bliss with a superb wife was a just reward for the pain my ex put me through.
You and your children have one life - one chance for some happiness - dont be a victim any longer.
Make your plan as mentioned above - get the advice and guidance you need and then get rid of her.

The above is good advice. I regard you as a victim as well, don't remain a victim.

Also, be sure to have a witness when you break the news, better yet, video tape it.

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

if nothing else, perhaps along the lines pat is mentioning, hide a tape recorder in your pocket to record all the retaliatory threats and expletives. don't know swedish laws concerning recording another party without their knowledge, but better to have and not need, than to need and not have. or if you know for a fact that it's inadmissable if she doesn't know about it, tell her the conversation's being recorded.
ryan

livi · 04-20-2006, 07:16 AM

Pat,

Witness idea is worth considering. At least there will be some one left alive reporting how she took the message.

Ryan,

Funny (and tragic) how your sentence "I can do what ever the hell I want to" - struck a cord in me. I can´t begin to describe how much I crave for that feeling of freedom. Of owning my life. Deciding for myself. I feel like a fly caught in her web, carefully struggling to get loose - not to wake up the Mother of all Black Widows.

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

markus..it's a 'double-edged sword' for sure. dating is harder in my 40's, especially since i'm essentially starting over financially, trying to start a new career..and the women in my age range, likei said, judge a man fiercely here by his ability to support the lavish lifestyles so many of them now seem to demand. i may stay single for quite some time. too bad you aren't in arkansas..lol..i'd have someone to wrench on the p-cars with, drink a little beer and tell lies about the 'old days'..

hang in there, it may get a little worse before it gets better, but that 'better' is worth taking back from her. life's too short to live with a ***** and die..

ryan

fastpat · 04-20-2006, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by bigchillcar
markus..it's a 'double-edged sword' for sure. dating is harder in my 40's, especially since i'm essentially starting over financially, trying to start a new career..and the women in my age range, likei said, judge a man fiercely here by his ability to support the lavish lifestyles so many of them now seem to demand. i may stay single for quite some time. too bad you aren't in arkansas..lol..i'd have someone to wrench on the p-cars with, drink a little beer and tell lies about the 'old days'.. hang in there, it may get a little worse before it gets better, but that 'better' is worth taking back from her. life's too short to live with a ***** and die..
ryan

Not to steal this thread, but I went back to school (again) to start a new career at 42, met and lived with a woman age 26 that I went to school with. We split, and I met and married my current wife at age 48 (she was 41), which happened because of my decision back at age 42. We're both OR nurses, which is nice because we can talk meaningfully about work things with complete understanding.

The reason I say this is that life isn't over at any particular age, when things don't go well, pull up your socks and move on.

livi · 04-20-2006, 07:27 AM

Move over buddy - when she smells the coffee I am not even sure Arkansas is a far enough hide out. What would I need to blend in with the regular Arkansas inhabitant ?

fastpat · 04-20-2006, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by livi
Move over buddy - when she smells the coffee I am not even sure Arkansas is a far enough hide out. What would I need to blend in with the regular Arkansas inhabitant ?

A rusty 20 year old pickup truck, a shotgun, and a coon hound ought to do it.

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

Quote:

A rusty 20 year old pickup truck, a shotgun, and a coon hound ought to do it.

close, pat..at least a 30-year old rust bucket. and oh, do you dip?

ryan

livi · 04-20-2006, 07:39 AM

CHECK !

Rot 911 · 04-20-2006, 07:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by bigchillcar
[B] i've at least got the opportunity to meet someone special..and nobody's calling me a 'loser' for losing my career anymore.

Ryan I just want you to know that to us you'll always be a loser.

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

Quote:

Ryan I just want you to know that to us you'll always be a loser.

kurt (sniff)..thanks..i love you, man!

ryan

Z-man · Z-man's Garage

In the present state, I do not think either marriage or running will solve the problem. But I doubt that your relationship is very healthy in its present form either. Something's gotta change...

I seriously believe that some marriage counseling would be helpful. It is always wise to resolve the conflict before making a final decision in a relationship. If it changes you and your spouse's attitude, and you get married, then it was worth it. If it doesn't change you two, then at least you can say you tried the best you could to make it work.

My $0.42,
-Z-man.

Rikao4 · 04-20-2006, 08:12 AM

Z..counseling...please ..Livi punt the bit$7 of the nearest high-rise. If she still moving after-wards PUNT again (punt=kick to the curb from a HIGH location. Effect= a pleasant sounding SPLAT.
Rika

Moneyguy1 · 04-20-2006, 08:30 AM

Good relationships are far more than 50-50. Both parties, at times, have to give much more. You seem to be willing to give, she does not. Once you are chained to that legal document, it will probably get worse.

I was lucky. One marriage that turned bad after 15 years. A second that has been one that I wish had been the first and only. I have someone that I am happy to grow old with, willing to help where she can, tolerate my moods and hobbies, and independent enough to have her own interests.

Please....consider this: Look at your life and ask:

Do you accept behavior today that you would have considered unacceptable or bizarre a year or so ago?