Tough ultimatum from spouse

[Icemaster]

Holy crap Markus...reading your last post...

I think you know exactly what you need to do. I can't give any more advice than what's been given here, other than to say that the time to act is now - today - right now - get off teh computer and go call your lawyer/financial planner/whatever and get moving before the actions you take are damage control rather than pro-active.

There is no going back, you know what needs to be done. Just do it, and do it stealthily at this point. Your not a loser and you never will be. Tabs is correct as usual, you've got to save yourself before you can save your child.

Get a move on man - NOW...we're all behind you.

[Joeaksa]

Originally posted by livi
Well, what spilled over on me from tabs "soap opera" was excellent reading - pure heart nīsoul like every one of your 100 posts.

Joe, I lay awake last night reading print outs over and over for two hours. There is material worthy of a doctorīs thesis. Awesome and humbling.

Don, no time limit has been set besides "Marry me or beat it!". The ultimatum was handed to me a week ago. Repeated several times a day since then. Our home has been a was zone these last days. Me trying to calm it down for the benefit of the children. At one point, one night, I lost it - gave up. Ok, if this is what you really want. Got dressed and opened the front door - mentally just screaming to get away from her. At that point she raised the stakes dramatically. Looking like a total maniac, with a mad, deranged look in her eyes she turned everything around screaming - if you walk out that door I will make you suffer and hurt in a way your nightmares would compare to a pic-nic. You will never see your daughter again, she will suffer - and it will ALL BE ON YOUR CONSCIENCE !!

I just caved in. Puddle on the door step. Closed the door and piled up on the floor. Terrified what she might be capable of.

Marcus,

She has just made it worse, a lot worse.

Please get a tape recorder and record her the next time she threatens you. Then grab your daughter and go out of the house. Save what you can but your child is most important.

After you are out of the house, call the Police and tell them that you and your child have been threatened by an unstable mate and let them listen to the tape. They should take her away for some time to settle down and that should give you time to get your things out of the house.

If you have some friends at the Police, please call them now and tell them what is going on. You fear for your life, the life of your child and your spouse is threatening all of you. Ask them what they need in order to hold her for treatment. Now is the time to act and for your daughters sake, its not the time to cave in or do anything on the doorstep but walk, with your daughter in your arms, far, far away.

Where are your Mother and Father living? Brother or sister? Can they take your daughter and yourself for a few weeks? Might be an option...

Joe A

[cool_chick]

Livi, see a lawyer first. Get a plan in place. Put your ducks in a row. Then, record.

[GDSOB]

Originally posted by cool_chick
Livi, see a lawyer first. Get a plan in place. Put your ducks in a row. Then, record.

This thread has brought up many unpleasant memories and I was hesitant to reply. I stayed a total of 10 years. Big mistake.

Never underestimate the lengths she will go for vengance. She has already told you that she will seek to make you miserable, & she will suceed to the lengths you allow her.
Be prepared for your spouse to use your daughter as a weapon against you.
Seek full custody. If you have shared parenting, you might spend most of your time with her deprogramming the crap drilled in to your daughters head 24/7 when with her mom.
DO NOT leave until you have some sort of legal agreement in hand. Once you step out the door, you lose any leverage you may have had.


When things get tough, remember this too shall pass. God bless.

[Joeaksa]

Marcus,

I cannot stress enough your need to contact the police and now. I have a very good friend who went though the same thing here in America. She played games with him for years.

It finally got to the point where she would hit herself to cause a bruise then call the police and tell them that she had been hit by her husband. She did this something like 20+ times and they did not believe her. Finally one of them told her that until they saw some evidence of a fight they could not do anything.

The next week she went into the bathroom and locked the door, and called the police. After they said that they were coming to the house, she hit her head against the wall and broke a bar that the bathtowels were hanging on. When they arrived she would not open the door until they were at the bathroom. They looked inside, found the dent in the wall, broken things in the room and had no choice but to take my friend who had been working in the garage and had no idea what was going on, to jail in handcuffs.

When he returned in 3 days the house had been stripped. He was later convicted of spousal abuse, all for doing nothing.

You need to contact the police and at least tell them what is going on, that you are afraid of your safety and the safety of your child. Get it on a police record so that if you go home and she does something tonight that it shows that you called first to report a problem.

Also agree with what Garth says and now is the time to be very deliberate in your actions. Get a tape recorder today and take it home with you tonight. Record what happens while you have a chance.

[tabs]

YOur Spouse is DANGEROUS....she might try and KILL YOU.

Did U ever see Clint Eastwoods movie Play Misty For Me....well ....

[bigchillcar]

livi...what's happening? just checking in with you, brother..
ryan

[livi]

Nothing much. While I mentally have convinced myself I need to brake loose, she has sucked me dry energy wise. Feels like I have gained a hundred pounds body weight. The more determined I get - the more terrified I feel. Agonizing over her response. Worried about my daughter.

If it were not the most stupid idea - I woud need to empty a bottle of whiskey to be able to rise to the occasion. On the other hand the very fact that I have now made up my mind makes me feel more hopeful and positive as to my future.

And that, my friends, have a lot to do with you.

Any day now. I just need to stop waiting for the "right moment". It will never come.

[Milu]

OK!
You've taken the decision. First step completed.
You understand there is no right moment. First hurdle overcome.

Now, identify which ducks you need to get in a row before acting.
Don't backout now. Remember clearly the miserable moments she made you live and focus very clearly on that when you confront her and act. Don't cop out, there's a whole world out there waiting for you.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Livi, it seems to me you are in a situation that will only get worse, not only for your but for your children as well. If not for yourself, think of them, and what they feel watching the two of you interact this way. Of the way she treats your other kids. I can guarantee you one thing, the first step will be an incredibly empowering experience, you will begin to feel like a man again. Do it, and do it now, because this will only get worse for all of you if you don't give her what she wants. Get a plan in place, get started tomorrow. Then when the time is right, confront her, WITH A TAPE RECORDER!!!!! Joe is 100% right, if you leave God only knows what will happen. In fact, I would start to build evidence now. Get a small unit that you can carry in a pocket, and tape her tirades. At the least it would come in handy in the inevitable custody fight. And for the love of God, please don't leave without the kids. Don't walk out the door without that baby in your arms, because she is guaranteed to make their lives hell. If possible, get them out of the house before you confront her. The bigger the scene she makes, the better evidence you will have on tape. If she hits you, call the police. You're building evidence now, and everything you are able to get will help you with custody of that child. Good luck to you, but don't wait. This seems like a situation that could blow up at any time, I don't believe you can put this off.

[cool_chick]

When I stated "then record...", I should've said "then use the recordings...."

Puppy's right, start the evidence now, just keep it on the downlow until the duckies are in a row.

[red-beard]

I don't want to talk about the negative. I want to relate a story.

I never knew how much stress I was under in my 2nd marriage, until we split up. I had a daily work conference call, and I was an *********. Other people noticed the change, almost immediately, when we split up.

About a month after the split. I was driving home; I had about an hour commute. I started smiling. Not for any reason. I was just happy. I called them random fits of happiness. They came more often and stayed for longer...

I can read in your words the stress you are under. No one should be in a relationship that causes stress. A Relationship is supposed to be the place to reduce stress and reorganize your life. It should be [bold]THE[/bold] safe place.

[bt1211]

Women have choices, Men have responsibilities

[930addict]

Tha's horrible. Runaway and don't look back. Regarding marriage, my mom always told me that the little things that you find aggravating about your partner will only become magnified when you are married. Your girlfriend doesn't sound like too pleasant of a woman, I'm sorry to say. I would not let her "bully" you into getting married. Leave her and then deal with whatever firestorm comes about. Hopefully the truth about her will surface in the courts.

+1 for getting your ducks in a row before you say anything to her. Good luck!

[epbrown]

Originally posted by cool_chick
That's not why. It's because when you intervene, sometimes the partner you're talking to gets angry at YOU because (s)he is brainwashed or smitten or whatever by the nightmare person and then becomes your enemy. You need be there for them when they realize it, but they need to come to terms on their own.

Happened to me once. Never again.

Ditto. I truthfully answered the question "What do you think?" and lost a close friend. It didn't help when I was proven right and the relationship ended within a month. Still, how good a friend is someone that will toss 10 years of friendship out the window for someone they've known a couple of months?

On the other hand, it did teach me to trust my friends' judgement when they do say something, or at least ask why they feel that way. Like me, most people want to see their friends happy with someone that loves them - if they don't like someone, they're usually seeing something you don't.

[asphaltgambler]

At this point you need to start thinking like a business man. To the end of prioritizing then implementing what's needed to protect your child and your self in the days to come. When you think of yourself as a business entity the solutions to the problems may take on a whole different perspective.

I was in a very similar situation about 6 years ago. The above advice was given to me by a close friend. Best G#dd*mn thing that was ever said to me. And I used it.

[ianc]

Sorry I missed this thread earlier Markus...

since thinking back I would say 75% of me have wanted to leave her for the last three years. I think I just donīt have the guts. I can now recognize the coward anti aggressive wimp inside myself. I need to be thoroughly abused and trashed before I can muster enough energy to make it stop. What a tragic individual I have turned into. A true victim of myself. A genuine looser.

There's nothing 'loser' about this kind of behavior in my book. It's called being a 'nice guy'. Some people care a lot about other people's feelings and will bend over backward to try to please others and make things work. You sound like that kind of person. That is a good thing. Other people are the opposite; aggressive and always looking for a way to dominate, even in their interpersonal relationships. I don't like those kinds of people and will not associate with them. It sounds like your current spouse is one of these. Sometimes your only defense is to not be a nice guy. It's hard, but necessary if you end up getting trampled.

It sounds to me like the question is not 'if' you'll leave, but 'when'. I agree that sooner is better. Time is a precious commodity, and it's too valuable to waste on something\someone that doesn't enrich your life. Try to imagine what you'll think looking back 5 years from now.

The daughter is the sticking point. I can't offer you any real advice there. I would hope that Swedish law would offer you some protection. As others have said, consult a lawyer to find out the specifics of what a custody decision would be based on, and act accordingly.

Best of luck and please keep us informed. I'm rootin' for you,

ianc

[livi]

Thanks again, everyone! Like I said - I donīt think you can really imagine how much it means to me.

Here, for instance, is one revelation brought forth by you fellows:

I read your words describing what kind of person I am dealing with. You pin point her exact personality and behavior/agenda. Why did I not recognize it myself - I have had five years with her ?? You should think I would be very aware of who she is. It dawns on me that I have been repeatedly manipulated - over and over told I am the one with the wrong thoughts and behavior. I have actually been brain washed - convinced I am the one to blame. Total revelation reading you have acknowledged what I was not sure of myself but very much suspected.

[bigchillcar]

markus...do you plan to move out? have you spoken with an attorney yet? please just make sure you do! dot every 'i' and cross every 't'..will make it far less painless knowing what moves to do and what to expect. we'll be here for you, too.
ryan

[livi]

Yes, Ryan. I have spoken to an attorney. The plausible scenario is that I will get to have my daughter every other Friday to Sunday. I could try to demand full time custody but its very unlikely to happen. Courts are still leaning toward the mother as primary care taker. Normally I would agree regarding pre school children.

Anyway, I am trying to acquaint myself with the notion of not being able to hold my baby during the weeks. It hurts like hell holding her in my arms, hugging her, she looking into my eyes with so much trust and vulnerability. Knowing she will not understand why Daddy suddenly left her. Not least, since her mother will be more than happy to indoctrinate her with her version. Makes me feel that I perhaps ought to sacrifice my life for hers - even though I know thats a dead end.

Life is not supposed to be like this. Is it ?