peanut sitting on a railroad track,

[Icemaster]

Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender yells "Hey, get outa here! We dont sell to your kind!"

Mushroom says "What's wrong with me? I'm a fungi!"

[sammyg2]

Do you really think I would wish for a 12 inch pianist?

[Kevin Taylor]

Fly away Jack fly away Joe....Come back Jack come back Joe.

K.T.
1973 911 E 2.4 MFI
1983 911 SC 3.0L
1978 911 SC 3.0L
1965 Devin "D" / 1967 912 Power Plant
1997 GMC Z-71 4X4
John Deere LT 166

[karmenbutzi912]

Kevin it goes like this: Two little black birds sitting on a fence, One named Jack one named Joe, Fly away Jack ,fly away Joe, Come back Jack, Come back Joe. Get it right.

[Kevin Taylor]

Thanks "BUTZI" See if you can finish this one as well?

"You`ll never amount to anything". "Cookoo Nuts Cookoo Nuts
Cookoo Nuts"...... (with a semi tapping on your temple). Dumbbell!!!!
K.T.
1973 911 E 2.4 MFI
1983 911 SC 3.0L
1978 911 SC 3.0L
1965 Devin "D" / 1967 912 Power Plant
1997 GMC Z-71 4X4
John Deere LT 166

[MichiganMat]

My fav bar joke of all time:

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

[wcc]

Why can't you hear two rabbits having sex?

Because they have cotton balls..

[Owain]

A guy walks into a bar. He just wants to be alone so he sits down the end where no one is around. After giving the man a beer the bartender goes back down the other end to talk to another patron.

The guy sitting by himself suddenly hears:

"You're soooo good looking."

He looks around. Still no one around so he decides he must be hearing things and goes back to nursing his beer.

"That's a great jacket. You're one cooool fella."

The man looks around again. Still no one nearby. He signals the bartender who comes over.

"Did you hear someone say something?" he asks.

"Was is someone saying something nice about you?" the bartender asks.

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's just the peanuts," he says indicating a dish of nuts on the bar in front of the man. "They're complimentary."

[notfarnow]

Originally posted by karmenbutzi912
Kevin it goes like this: Two little black birds sitting on a fence, One named Jack one named Joe, Fly away Jack ,fly away Joe, Come back Jack, Come back Joe. Get it right.

Jeeze I haven't heard that sice I was around 5 or 6. My grandfather used to sing that.

Another of his favorites:

Well I stuck my finger up a woodpecker's hole,
the woodpecker said "God save my soul!"
"REMOVE IT!"

So I pulled my finger from the woodpecker's hole,
the woodpecker said "God save my soul!"
"REPLACE IT!"

[Hendog]

Guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender: "Hey, cool, where'd you get that?"
Parrot: "Down in Texas, got lots fo 'em there."

[Stuart993]

A woman's waiting in line to check-out at the supermarket, basket full of food at her side.
The guy behind her says 'You're not married are you?'
To which the woman replied' No, can you tell that from my shopping?'
'No' the guy says 'because you're ugly'

[Stuart993]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

[RickM]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"