After 21 years... she's leaving

[notfarnow]

Don't be embarassed.

Quiet father's days suck.

[Seahawk]

Lee,

This has been one of the most interesting, positive, informative threads, all started because you were not embarrassed to share your circumstance.

The upper left picture of you and your daughter is all you will ever need to know. She is delighted to be there, with Dad.

Happy Father' Day my friend.

[recycled sixtie]

It seems like you were always there for your daughter and she will always remember that.

[Oh Haha]

Your daughter will remember the time she spent with you fondly. That's what matters.

I'm home with my kids every day now so the quantity is more than the quality some days.

Today they wanted me to play with them in the pool. I didn't really want to at the time but thought of this thread and figured they would remember the day we had fun together instead of the times I had to be hard on them.

I hope and plan to not be divorced again but I think some of the advice in this thread could be studied on how to keep a marriage working.

You are still a Dad/Father to her so Happy Father's Day buddy!

[Por_sha911]

I'm going to repeat my earlier advice.

Originally Posted by Por_sha911

...Avoid haters and people with poison attitudes. They want you to hate her or get cynical about love and commitment. That is a dark place. When things start to settle down a little only then start to make a plan. In the meantime, one day at a time.

[Joe Bob]

Originally Posted by WolfeMacleod

Sooo... it looks like we're telling stories, eh?


Just after I turned 21, I ran into a girl I had been seeing, but who had wandered off. When I ran into her again, she had a baby. She said it was mine. I did the math, and it worked out. No way to prove it, and I believed her. We started seeing each other again, but after a month or so, she vanished again. I was never able to find her after that.

In 2008, when my wife left, she told me that I should go find her and my child. I had tried for years and came up with nothing. I started using Google and digging deep. Eventually I found her living in Missouri. She had just come to WA state for a family visit.

We meet.
I'm told me child passed away.
We get back together. By now, she has two other kids.

She moves in, in Feb of 2009. I buy a used but nice BMW X5 as a hauler, and rent a big house. We move from the small apartment. Things go to hell in a handbasket very quickly, and over the course of five months somehow she drains me of my life savings. With the economic crash, that was bad. Really bad.

In July, She want to go see mom in Missouri, and wants to drive the X5. I say no because it needs brakes.
She takes off in her car... and never comes back.

Then I'm served with a paternity test. Yep, she's pregnant.

Then I get told by her mother that the child I thought I had with her earlier wasn't mine. And wasn't even hers. It was her niece.

I've never seen or spoke to my daughter.

Not a happy father's day for me.

Oi, get a vasectomy, dude.

[winders]

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Oi, get a vasectomy, dude.

No kidding.....anyone that lets all that happen to him shouldn't have kids!

[nzporsche944s2]

This is probably the most fascinating thread I have read all year.

Thank you for your honesty.

I thought I had some good "ex" stories and had met some crazies along the way but wow! I think I got off lucky and after reading some of these I think I have been living in a bubble all my life!

[larrydickman]

Well, let me tell you. Long time member, first time caller. I know and have met many Pelicans and count you all among my close friends and confidants. I created a new account (I know, against forum policy, call the cops). I'm currently going through a divorce and this thread has been a God send. I couldn't contribute under my username since it is an ongoing process that will hopefully be over soon.

I've seen a few Pelicans go through this and had to change their ID (Odd Job Uno comes to mind, oh how I would love to hear his contributions to this thread). With social media you just never know what can bite you in the ass, hence my concern posting under my user name.

Anyway, I was the one who left. Years of putting up with negativity, sarcasm and general bytchyness finally got the best of me. No interactions socially (everyone was an a hole), she hasn't worked in 20 years (I tried getting her interested in something, all shot down in flames). I finally realized she was anti social, bi-polar and just a plain she devil.

No kids (thank God) so you would think the divorce would be a slam dunk. 2 homes owned outright, stocks, retirement, pretty much 'bucks up". I wanted to split down the middle, walk away and be done. Unfortunately a male Gloria Allred in a cheap suit got involved. Seems we were married 9 years 10 months. Now he is sucking money to the tune of $70k so far in lawyer fees trying for "Marvin Law" and she is supposably unable to work ever again and needs spousal support for who knows how long. My lawyer took one look at her at my deposition (in the words of widebody911 "I'd rather have my nuts pounded flat with a ball-peen hammer than go through that again") and first thing he said is "she's a bitter, angry woman".

Hopefully it will be resolved soon. I just want to know what my monthly "nut" will be so I can move on. I tried to be the nice guy and let her take care of some medical issues before she lost her insurance due to divorce. Boy, was that a mistake. A good friend offered me advice that I should have taken, "No matter how hard it hurts or how bad it is, whack it off at the knees, that's the only way".

This thread has helped rid me of some of the feelings of anger, remorse, guilt and failure that occurs so early in the game and you really need to step back and look at how positive your life has become once you kick that baggage to the curb.

And NFN nailed it, "I'm eating a hamburger on the couch and no one can say crap about it" or something to that effect. Freedom is a long needed breath of fresh air once you can inhale again.

[sc_rufctr]

Originally Posted by WolfeMacleod

Sooo... it looks like we're telling stories, eh?


Just after I turned 21, I ran into a girl I had been seeing, but who had wandered off. When I ran into her again, she had a baby. She said it was mine. I did the math, and it worked out. No way to prove it, and I believed her. We started seeing each other again, but after a month or so, she vanished again. I was never able to find her after that.

In 2008, when my wife left, she told me that I should go find her and my child. I had tried for years and came up with nothing. I started using Google and digging deep. Eventually I found her living in Missouri. She had just come to WA state for a family visit.

We meet.
I'm told me child passed away.
We get back together. By now, she has two other kids.

She moves in, in Feb of 2009. I buy a used but nice BMW X5 as a hauler, and rent a big house. We move from the small apartment. Things go to hell in a handbasket very quickly, and over the course of five months somehow she drains me of my life savings. With the economic crash, that was bad. Really bad.

In July, She want to go see mom in Missouri, and wants to drive the X5. I say no because it needs brakes.
She takes off in her car... and never comes back.

Then I'm served with a paternity test. Yep, she's pregnant.

Then I get told by her mother that the child I thought I had with her earlier wasn't mine. And wasn't even hers. It was her niece.

I've never seen or spoke to my daughter.

Not a happy father's day for me.

WOW... She sounds very nasty. The bald face lying is just unforgivable. Be thankful you she's not in your life anymore.

You have my sympathy about your daughter. If it helps you'll always be her dad and I wouldn't be surprised if she seeks you out at some point.

[LeeH]

The past couple of weeks have been such a roller coaster ride of emotion. Yesterday just hurt. It hurt bad. Today started out the same. If not worse.

I wanted to do something with my daughter for father's day, but wanted her to have fun too. I tripped across an ad for a very nice arcade I've been to before. They were having a father's day special. That was it! Exactly the thing to lift my mood and something she'd likely really enjoy.

She got in the car with stories to tell about the leadership camp she'd attended last week. We talked the entire 30 minute drive to the arcade. I played a few games, but mostly followed her around watching her play, playing with her on the two player games. When she'd had enough we headed off for pizza where she spent much of the time trying to annoy me by stepping on my feet under the table and trying to put bits of straw wrapper in my water glass. Annoying? No! These little bids for connection made my heart soar. Gave me hope that despite being apart for stretches of time, that we're going to be okay.

Thanks again for the support. It's truly appreciated.

[sc_rufctr]

Well done Lee. Just focus on your daughter.

Sound simple but it isn't... Your wife is going to do whatever she's going to do & there's not much you can do about it.

[Crowbob]

'Madam, I hope you brought a toothbrush with you today...'

Fridays are 'Show Cause' days at the local courthouse. On those days, parents are compelled to show cause for their various violations of existing court orders in family court. Typically, fathers in arrears for child support must somehow show cause for not paying. Routine stuff, really.

So, having been relieved of the burden of money, I had continued to pursue my case alone and unrepresented by counsel. After having spent hours and hours bumbling my way around the local law library, the kindly court librarian, an elderly woman tiny and of course bespectacled and quiet, finally asked who I was and what I was doing.

Hence forth, that hero of mine-Mary I think her name was, with her quiet confidence, slowly and patiently lead me through the bewildering mazes of archaic Michigan family law. Mostly silent, an economy of words apparently suiting her and her career, sprinkled upon me sparse words of wisdom, caution and conspiratorial advise. For months.

So, one sweltering Friday morning, I found myself addressing the court. That room, so crowded and hot that dozens of defendants with their dirty hands and worn work boots and longish unkempt hair sat, stood and paced in anxious submission, had spilled into the hallway just outside the heavy doors of Courtroom B.

'Your honor' I said quivering with rage and weak with fear, 'this is the sixth appearance for the plaintiff compelled to show cause for her willful violation of your order regarding my parenting time with our children...', etc.

My former wife, the mother of our children, dressed to the nines in anticipation of a long weekend with her new husband, confidently gave her side to His Honor.

The curmudgeon, nearly-retired, weary and robed in the black dress of authority, barely visible behind stacks of cases to be heard before the end of the day and the end of the week, above the quiet murmurings of a crowded room said to her, 'Madam I hope you brought a toothbrush with you today because you are spending the weekend in jail.'

What I will always remember is the sudden silence that befell that awful room.

I gathered my papers, turned to leave and saw grown men crying, lawyers with open but silent mouths and a path that had appeared as the litigants parted to let me by.

One man said to me as I rushed away from the oppression, 'Thank you.'

[Crowbob]

Very late yesterday evening, mere hours ago, my grown children left me and my home after an afternoon and evening of grilled shrimp, croquet and unusually hot southern breezes. Earlier, they had given to me a t-shirt, obtained on-line, and bedecked with technical Star-Wars imagery and the words in bold: Stay On Target.

As my children, and their children, left me last night, I thanked them for the shirt.

No, my daughter replied.

'Thank you!'

[Crowbob]

My dearest friend and comrade in arms passed away about two years ago. My friend (a brother, unrelated to me actually) had assumed the gravity of fielding calls from distraught fathers and tried to shepherd them through the smoke of the dissolutions of their marriages involving minor children. I, after becoming unable to endure those desperate pleadings, instead focused myself on the law.

During that time, I stumbled across an article in the newspaper wherein a father had bulldozed down the marital home in an obscene act of defeat and defiance.

In addition to pity for him, I thought to myself, I understand it.

[Crowbob]

There was once a young professor of law comfortably ensconced in the staid halls of the University of Michigan. A hot and haughty Miss Katheryn Mackinnon, I believe is her name.

The learned professor had penned a piece intended for the consumption of adherents to feminism. In that piece she described her belief that all men are sexist and the male act of love was in itself an act of aggression against all women. Rape, she wrote.

Hopefully, it is not necessary for me to reiterate here the words and ideas bound to the single page of the letter to her I wrote.

[Crowbob]

In the waning days of that time of my life, I did find love. That existence of privation included within it a letter I received from my 'counsel'. That short notice of payment past due, offered to me a compromise. Were I to submit to him half of what is due, he would not pursue further collection.

I jumped at it. A fine and pleasant woman friend, familiar with my circumstance, bravely agreed to deliver my check, it being the depletion of all my wealth, in person onto said barrister for me.

That same woman said to me last night, you have done more for your children than anyone I know.

[Oh Haha]

CB- off point but the way you write really brings a reader into the situation.

Is writing your profession or hobby?

[Crowbob]

As I wrote out the check, I'd had enough. The noble cause my confronting the law included a strtegery consisting of a challenge at the court of appeals, that Michigan law was in violation of the 5th and 14th Amendments of the Constitution, particularly the due process clause of the afore-mentioned 14th.

Having been consumed by a decade of fine focus, I closed that chapter and returned to the company of the living. My hope was that someone, somewhere will someday resume and engage in battle the need to preserve that so divine a construct of fatherhood.

[Crowbob]

A most excellent question, Wayne. Thank you.

Of the many and varied disappointments of my life, no I am not a writer. At one point, as a young man, I fell in rapturous delirium with Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Hemingway and of course many others. One day I will write like this, I thought. But of what can I write? I am nothing and know even less.

As such, events unfolded as described herein and as above. Since I cannot write, I shall live a life of such worth that it will inspire someone else to write about it.

That choice I made reminds me once again as to the failure I have become. No one writes about me but rather lives for themselves. For here, on these electronic pages, anonymously, I am writing to inspire, against myself but for my children.