After 21 years... she's leaving

[LEAKYSEALS951]

Richie ^^^^ hell yeah!!!!!

Sorry. I've been there too. Hang in there, and take things one step at a time. Things really will get better. Sounds like you have put a lot of energy into making the relationship work. You probably don't have a lot of energy right now, but in time you will. Take that effort and invest it in yourself. Use that energy to make sure all three of you end up in a better place.

Just to share- My first wife wanted a divorce and moved out. She remarried and had kids. Then she got a brain tumor. She had surgery, and lost her memory. She could remember our relationship better than her new husband's relationship. This was a weird side effect of what was (and still is) a life threatening event. The point here is this-
Although I keep a distance, we still keep in touch on good terms and we are both in better places, and we are both happy with the other's successes. The divorce was one of those "we will laugh about this 5 years from now" type of things, although, it sure didn't feel like it at the time, and if someone had of said that to me back then- I would have punched em'

[island_dude]

So sorry that this is happening to you. I had a similar thing happen, although she had my replacement ready to go. He walked before we divorced and by that time I found someone else (after 2 years of separation can you blame me?) who is now my wonderful wife. She went into an insane rage used my daughter against me and cleaned my clock financially. It sucked but I am so much better off than I was.

When she first told me she wanted out I was shocked. I went to a therapist and over time I started to realize that I was in pain didn't really recognize it. Maybe that is true for you too.

Good luck. It is a tough road, but you will get through it.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by sand_man

You can try so hard to make something work (especially if the equation becomes constantly one-sided and unbalanced) that you quite honestly forget what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. What it's like to be truly happy. It can turn you into something you're really not.

+1

No steady's for one year. Please. 30 years, better.

Just found out today after a two day vanishing, my 27 year old kid is in the slammer for drug abuse. Three felonies. Not cool. Way more than a speed bump. Summit County Sheriff for the dark-siders. He looks like death warmed over.

I offer this because it's absolutely nothing compared to the empty feeling of your partner exiting because you are "no fun", regardless of her logic and definition.

My son is not going to die tonight. Sweet. I will sleep well. You, on the other hand, have to go through what many of us have.

Give it a month, probably less, and you will start to experience better feelings about yourself.

[Por_sha911]

Lee, sucks to hear this bad news. I imagine that since you genuinely loved her, knowing that you can play the field is cold comfort. Your heart hurts. I am sad for you that you have to go through that. I also hurt for her since she has no idea what a bad decision this is.
You weren't perfect. No one is. If you can say to yourself "I did the best I could" then there should be no shame or regrets. As someone else alluded to, you can't make someone else love you. They have to want to. If only one person is doing all the trying then it will never be good enough. If she wants to leave then the best thing you can do is let her go. Grieve a little while...you have that right. Don't make any rash decisions while the whole world is upside down. Avoid haters and people with poison attitudes. They want you to hate her or get cynical about love and commitment. That is a dark place. When things start to settle down a little only then start to make a plan. In the meantime, one day at a time.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Really sorry Lee, hopefully this is the bottom and every day after is an improvement.

[LeeH]

Wow! Can't thank you all enough for the support, kind words and sharing your experiences, both here and via PMs.

I do hope for and expect a happy future. At my age I have a much better understanding of the things that I need to be happy; where I can compromise and where I can't. I stayed with my brother a few weeks ago while back in Atlanta for my brother-in-law's funeral. My brother went through a divorce a couple of years ago and is now with the most wonderful woman. Seeing how happy they were together gave me hope.

I'm hoping we can get through this and not only be on speaking terms, but also friends. We have years of co-parenting our now 16 year old daughter together. Thinking about our daughter is the part that hurts the most.

Several years ago our daughter had a friend at school who wasn't dealing well with her parent's divorce. My wife and I promised our daughter that was something she would never have to worry about. As sad as I am about my marriage ending, I'm sadder that our daughter's life has now forever changed. Thankfully, we're very close. Being a stay at home dad while my wife had her flying career gave me much more time with my daughter than a lot of guys get.

Yes... I do honestly feel that I did everything I could. In the end, I'm not the one who left. I truly wish her the best. She is an amazing woman by anyone's standards.

[WPOZZZ]

It'll buff out! lol

I can't give you any advice as I am a lifelong bachelor. Time does heal all wounds. If you ever get to HNL, get in touch with me and we can go to a titty bar or two or three.

[Arizona_928]

It's tough with a wee one. Make sure she doesn't blame herself. Very rational to do at that age.

It's hard. All of use local guys are here for you.

[sc_rufctr]

Life happens. What can you do? Move on as quickly as possible.

If you can try to maintain friendly relations with your ex. I tried for that but my ex had other ideas.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

So sorry to hear but sadly, all-too-common.

Find yourself a new place to live, figure out what's important to you and build yourself a new life centered around those things. All the best.

[Oh Haha]

My best friend and his wife had what seemed like the perfect marriage. Something went sideways and they divorced a couple of years ago.

They have a daughter who is 19 today and going to college in Chicago. Though they are not together any longer they both support her 100 percent and work together for her.

She is a musician and when she plays in her hometown they are both there. Her Dad on stage playing along and her Mom in the front row cheering.

It can be done and I hope that you can find a way to help her through the proceedings.

[dewolf]

One word.....Tinder.

[MFAFF]

Lee,

Sorry to hear about this, very sad for you and your daughter.
I have worked to have a civil relationship with my ex (as has she) so that we can be parents to our son. He is now 14; we are there for him at music concerts and school events and it makes a huge difference for him. He has parents who support him and can be in the same room (!) and that we agree on many things that matter to a teenage kid...

Takes a serious effort to make sure your child's interests are the focus of the conversation....and the only focus...

I'm very lucky that we have found a way of living with the situation that allows him to see both his parents every day....and that through all of this one of his 'homes' has remained the same and the one he lived in before our split, keeping a bit of stability in the midst of the upheaval.

Best to you

[tevake]

I hear your story Lee, and I feel your pain.
Being about 2.5 years into a similar story myself.

Lots of opportunity for personal growth and hopefully to be moving on with your life in not too long a time. That's where I'm stuck at the moment, moving on

All the best to you in your efforts Lee!

Cheers Richard

[Craig T]

Originally Posted by Craig T

I'm very sorry Lee. I went through this as well. Just remember, life is very short...Too short to spend any more time than necessary with somebody who doesn't appreciate and love you for who you are, or visa versa.

My first wife said something similar to me me after 7 years of marriage. For the next three years I gave up my soul giving her control and trying to make her happy. It still wasn't enough and we divorced at 10 years. In hind sight, I wish I'd left the day she started complaining, just tore it off quickly like a hard stuck bandage no matter how hard it hurt. Three years of life wasted.

Lee, in addition to my advice above...STAY SINGLE FOR AT LEAST A YEAR! Dedicate your time to your daughter. A daughter's relationship with a man as an adult is predicated on the relationship with her father as an adolescent....make her feel like your priority.

After 20 years or marriage, living alone is very difficult. Even if you and your wife were not getting along, it's still far different from solitude. You must adjust to being happy alone before you can find a maintain a healthy relationship.

Others have mentioned the lack of good honest single middle aged men. Some lonely lady will snap you up quickly looking to co-habitate. It happened to me. The rebound gold digger did far more damage to the relationship with my daughter (only child) than the divorce did. When I got rid of the rebound girl, I had to start the adjustment of being alone all over again. When you're comfortable and confident being a single father, that's when the right woman will come along.

[notfarnow]

Originally Posted by LeeH

Yes... I do honestly feel that I did everything I could. In the end, I'm not the one who left. I truly wish her the best. She is an amazing woman by anyone's standards.

I think you're off to a pretty healthy start. When my marriage fell apart, I promised myself I wouldn't be one of those guys who *****es about his ex. I see a lot of people who get held back by their bitterness. Yes, I had/have reasons to be sour, but I'm sure from her perspective she has reasons too.

I think focusing on your daughter is great, just be careful. A lot changes for the kids, and sometimes we put too much pressure on them, and they end up feeling like they have to "fake it", and they look for an escape, withdraw or act out. Your daughter's older, so as long as she's comfortable talking and being honest with you and her mom, things will probably be fine. Be mindful that she may not want to talk to either of you about it, so make sure that counselling is encouraged and made to seem normal and acceptable.

Counselling is a good idea for you too, in all likelihood. Ask me how I know.

A lot of people have made this point, but I'll say it again too... once you get over the shock and stress of all the change, some really liberating changes will start to surface. Enjoy them, because they are awesome. A few examples:

* I get to have really enjoyable, dedicated time with my kids on a set schedule that I look forward to. I also get to have enjoyable, dedicated time WITHOUT my kids hahah

* I never pull up in my driveway after work and worry about how someone else's negativity (towards the world, themselves or me) is about to impact me

* I never have to justify my worth, my time or my efforts

* I can decide to do something tomorrow, and *silence*. I can decide to do something right now, and *silence*

* Know who really seems to like divorced men in their early 40's? Women in their early 30s who are tired of BOYS

[djmcmath]

Been there, done that. It hurts, it sucks, it's miserable. It always helped me to remember that things could only get better from there.

[notfarnow]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

My sympathy and my advice: nothing you own is particularly important. You are further ahead to start over now with nothing than to fight for years over half your 'stuff'.

This is such great advice. She can have half your stuff, but she doesn't end up with half of what got you all of it in the first place

[Evans, Marv]

Lee, these reminders about developing relationships with women too soon are important. Lots of guys make the mistake of jumping into relationships way too soon. I was single for 14 years after my first wife & I went our separate ways (which was for different reasons than yours), and I wasn't interested in getting married again since I was already up in years. I found tons of single women out there anxious to snag me, and once you get into an ongoing relationship the pressure builds. So I decided to manage relationships based on friendship (with benefits if they were interested) and made that plain up front. I let them know I wanted to do enjoyable activities with them but wasn't interested in anything permanent and wouldn't object to them dating other men either. This freed me up to enjoy activities with a number of women on my terms, without any pressure and tended to weed out those intent on snagging a quick husband. There were plenty of those. I finally ended up marrying a young lady who had hung around for about twelve years, giving me space but letting me know she was there for me. Now I wouldn't give her up for anything and plan to keep her. There are real benefits in managing your future relationships and commitments.

[UconnTim97]

Originally Posted by notfarnow

I think you're off to a pretty healthy start. When my marriage fell apart, I promised myself I wouldn't be one of those guys who *****es about his ex. I see a lot of people who get held back by their bitterness. Yes, I had/have reasons to be sour, but I'm sure from her perspective she has reasons too.

I think focusing on your daughter is great, just be careful. A lot changes for the kids, and sometimes we put too much pressure on them, and they end up feeling like they have to "fake it", and they look for an escape, withdraw or act out. Your daughter's older, so as long as she's comfortable talking and being honest with you and her mom, things will probably be fine. Be mindful that she may not want to talk to either of you about it, so make sure that counselling is encouraged and made to seem normal and acceptable.

Counselling is a good idea for you too, in all likelihood. Ask me how I know.

A lot of people have made this point, but I'll say it again too... once you get over the shock and stress of all the change, some really liberating changes will start to surface. Enjoy them, because they are awesome. A few examples:

* I get to have really enjoyable, dedicated time with my kids on a set schedule that I look forward to. I also get to have enjoyable, dedicated time WITHOUT my kids hahah

* I never pull up in my driveway after work and worry about how someone else's negativity (towards the world, themselves or me) is about to impact me

* I never have to justify my worth, my time or my efforts

* I can decide to do something tomorrow, and *silence*. I can decide to do something right now, and *silence*

* Know who really seems to like divorced men in their early 40's? Women in their early 30s who are tired of BOYS

Some great advice there. (The last bullet point is very true.)

Sorry to see another one of us going through this. I'm at the end of the divorce process now. Keep your chin up, it does get better.