How about a joke thread?

[Hawkeye's-911T]

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the junior doctors in the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar$eholes in Whitehall.

Cheers
JB

[fastfredracing]

[GH85Carrera]

There were two nuns, One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[SabaDabaDoo]

New to thread, not sure if this is a repeat:

A blond speeding down the highway in her red convertible, gets pulled over by a cop who happen to be a blond female officer.

Ma'am driver license and registration !

The driver rummaged thru her purse: I can't find my license, help me out officer, how does it look like?

Ma'am it is rectangular with your photo in it.

The driver did some more digging and produced a small make up mirror and handed it to the officer! Who looked at it, and said:

Ma'am you can go, you could have told that you were a police officer yourself.


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[patz]

old dude.

[SCadaddle]

Only in The South:

Fellow gets pulled over by police.
Police: Sir, you got an ID?
Fellow: About what?

[wdfifteen]

WHat do you get when you mix jelly and Flint, Michigan water?
Pb & J.

[fastfredracing]

[Baz]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent leads.'

[MES 944]

Originally Posted by Baz

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent leads.'

Good One.

[dafischer]

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE

1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do

5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist

6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate

7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living

9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does

11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12. PARADOX
Two physicians

13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm

14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through

15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring

17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife

18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does

19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official

20. PARADIGMS
Twenty cents

[vonsmog]

Don't know if this one has been posted already, but I liked it.

A fellow bought a new Porsche and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Porsche," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

[chapstic2001]

Here's a joke for you .

[Outback Porsche]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do." Sitting a couple of stools down, two old blokes overheard the conversation. One looks over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her son. That'll put a stop to that stuff."

[GH85Carrera]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

[widebody911]

Anal sex is like spinach; if you were forced to have it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.

[oldE]

A couple of first year University of Jamaica room mates were discussing their courses.
One fellow says," Mathematics? I thought you said you were going to be a Marine Biologist?"
His new friend says, "No no! I said I was studying the Algebra."

Thank you. I'll be here all night. Try the veal.
Les

[Baz]

To Shoot or Not Shoot. . .

A man returns home a day early from a business
trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe
into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and
yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with
another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money”
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our Country Club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him back up with
that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[GH85Carrera]

IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

[SabaDabaDoo]

A wealthy elderly woman kept going back to the plastic surgeon for a face lift after another.
Although happy to take her money, the surgeon had enough and told her: how about if I install a knob on the back of your head, and every time you need a tune up, turn the knob a little.
Months went by and finally the lady came back for checkup: Doc all is good, I have been using the knob frequently but I do not seem to be able to get rid of these bags under my eyes!
The doc looked at her face closely: lady these are your breasts!
Ooh she said, now that explains the goatee!



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