How about a joke thread?

[Baz]

[GH85Carrera]

OK this one is not really a joke, but a funny story. It sure made me laugh out loud.

A short story.

One of my fire-rescue co-worker friends had a weird way of expressing himself. You knew what he was saying, if you thought about it.

We were at an elementary school, doing a 'show & tell' about the trucks, and Bob was trying to explain about keeping calm in an emergency. "After-all you don't want to be a man running-around with a chicken on his head," he said. Read, "running around like a headless chicken."

Another time, they were transporting a woman who had a syncopal episode (fainting) and who had lost-control of her bowels. She had been sitting on the floor covered in her own feces for hours, we suspected a CVA (stroke). Those are a mess. We try to clean them up before transport otherwise, the fire/rescue workers have been known to use the patient emesis bags themselves.

On the way to the hospital, Bob made the telemetry call into the E.R. to inform them of pt. status, and our time of arrival. The E.R. physician asked for the most-recent set of vital signs, and Bob responded. "Doctor, the patient was lying on the floor we suspect for hours, she moved her bowels, and is now covered in fetuses."

The doctor called back, and asked, "please repeat that!"

Bob: "we don't have a most-recent set of vital signs, because of the dirty condition of the patient, she is covered in fetuses!" The next time the doctor keyed the mic, you could hear laughing in the background.

When the ambulance arrived at the E.R. there was staff interest to see the elderly woman "covered in fetuses." We heard about the incident when our unit made a hospital transport, and from his partner. By now, he was used-to such happenings, and turns of a phrase.

[Evans, Marv]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE READS:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

[GH85Carrera]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

[GH85Carrera]

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

[fred cook]

I hope someone from Florida State sees this!

[sammyg2]

Q) What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

A) Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

In Canada, our government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws.

They are:

1. Legalized gay marriage
2. Legalized marijuana

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[sammyg2]

Close.

Leviticus 20:13 New International Version (NIV)

13 “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Just "practising a little creative or literary license' to carry the "joke"

[Mothy]

Guys
I doesn’t matter how far you try and push the envelope .....

It’s still stationary!!!

[dafischer]

Amazon Book List of "Worlds Shortest Books"



World's Shortest Books

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
______________________________ __________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By "The Rev Jesse Jackson"
& "The Rev Al Sharpton"
______________________________ ________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
______________________________ ______

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
______________________________ ___

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
______________________________ _______

______

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
______________________________ ____

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
__________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
______________________________ ____

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

______________________________ _________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
______________________________ ___________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
________ _

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
and foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
______________________________ _____________________

HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
______________________________ _____________________

AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
______________________________ ____________

And the shortest book of all....

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama

[oldE]

Don't forget the thinnest of all.

True Statements.

D. Trump.


Best
Les

[cmccuist]

List of People Who Changed Their Minds After Visiting PARF

[dafischer]

Subject: Marine Math

The Korean War, in which the US Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict an ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many, many many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean Officer.

General Puller asked for another count and got the same answer,
"Many, many, many, many Chinese!"

"Dammit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine Liaison Officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes Sir?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "Exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"General, we've got a whole ****ing ****load of Chinese up here!

"Thank God!" exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count!"

[Baz]

[Joe Bob]

Originally Posted by sammyg2

Close.

Ahh...the bible....#1 best selling work of fiction.

[wswartzwel]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

"As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

[GH85Carrera]

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties.....and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "No..."

She said, "Check the garage."

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Ahh...the bible....#1 best selling work of fiction.

It's worked pretty good for me so far.

How you doing?