How about a joke thread?

[JJ 911SC]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

[craigster59]

The police came to my house last night and showed me a photo. "Is this your wife sir?" they asked. "Yup it sure is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" the officer tells me. "I know that" I replied "but she's good with the kids".

[LakeCleElum]

If you took all the pickles eaten in a year and laid them end to end - People would think you were Crazy....

[Bob Kontak]

Horrid language. Be advised. Only 34 seconds though.

[id10t]

"In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge mansion with a carbon fiber sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Porsche flag, and in every window, a Porsche crest. Enzo looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, ,but I have a question. I have a good manufacturer; my cars won Le Mans and F1 championships. Why does Ferdinand Porsche get a better house than me?" God chuckled and said, "Enzo, that's not Ferdinand's house, it's mine!"

[Baz]

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze statue of a Democrat."

[rcooled]

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around to see Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere and both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator, let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish and climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally, the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it', said Leroy.

The host then said, 'Man, I have to give you something...you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks, I don't want it', answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something...that was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Leroy said no.

Confused, the man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want'?

'I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the pool!'

[stevej37]

That's gotta be the best one in the last dozen pages!!^^^ Thanks.

[Baz]

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart” she responds.
Sill shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

[dafischer]

This is the story of the young blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.

She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary"

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"

[dafischer]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[dafischer]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a Totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book."

I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?

"With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[SabaDabaDoo]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[dafischer]

A professor at Clemson University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
“How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you question further…...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So Ahmed
what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said GOATS!"

[Hendog]

Bob moves out to the country onto a large acreage. One day he goes out to hunt ducks form his marsh. He tracks one as it flies over and lets a shot go. The bird falls out of the sky and lands to the ground. Now Leroy, his neighbor is out on his land and sees the duck fall from the sky to the ground. Leroy comes running to the site of the kill and claims the bird landed on his property.

“That’s my duck!” Claims Leroy

“How so? I shot it out of the sky!”

“Maybe so, but it landed on my land.”

“I don’t understand how that makes any difference. I shot it. It’s mine!”

“Look, ‘round here we have a way to settle these things. We call it ‘Hoofin’!”

“What the heck is Hoofin?!”

“That’s where we take turns hoofin’ each other in the nuts until one guy gives in”

Bob’s never heard of this before, but being new to the country and its’ ways he figures he can take a kick in the groin as good as he can give it!
“Allright then!” declares Bob. “Let’s settle this the Hoofin’ way!”

Leroy instructs Bob: “I’m makin’ the claim on my land, so ‘round here my claim, my land, I go first”.

Bob readies himself for the kick… Leroy winds up, kicks Bob in the nuts with all his might, and he goes down hard; on his knees, over on his side, holding his groin and moaning in pain. A while goes by when Bob finally gets his breath and manages to get back on his feet.

Now with revenge in sight Bob moves to get a good footing: “All right! My turn!”

Leroy: “Nah… keep the duck”

[GH85Carrera]

[GH85Carrera]

Here's someone I can identify with......


An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't - that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and returns after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak: I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back" and hands him a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back. That will be $500."

Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people angry. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us.

[Don Ro]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

*******************************************
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

*******************************************

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


.

[Bill Douglas]

What is the difference between light and hard?

A man can sleep with the light on.

[dafischer]

I was walking through the city the other day and came upon an "Islamic Book Store."

Wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, I went in. As I was looking around, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. So I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "F**k off, get out and stay out!

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”