How about a joke thread?

[JJ 911SC]

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday,
and we got him an iPhone.

He just loved it.
Who wouldn't?




I celebrated my birthday in July,
and my wife made me very happy
when she bought me an iPad.





Our daughter's birthday was in August
so we got her an iPod Touch.





My wife celebrated her birthday in September
so I got her an iRon.





It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon
can be integrated into the home network
with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!



iHurt

[GH85Carrera]

THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME STATISTICS IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS.



25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness!




That's scary as hell, it means 75% are running around with no medication at all.

[GH85Carrera]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the
mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in
a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about.

The letter read

Dear God,
I am an 85 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to,
and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the
time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers
felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to
share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for
my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might
have been those bastards at the post office.


Sincerely,

Edna

[GH85Carrera]

SAFE AT HOME AT LAST!

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, State Police, FBI, Secret Service, CIA, Homeland Security and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer.

[GH85Carrera]

The Barber

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers of and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left


A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get A haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.


A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a Haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.


The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never Comes back'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'


Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said ....


'Your house'

[GH85Carrera]

AN AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER:

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[GH85Carrera]

The Blonde Man has arrived!!!!!!!!!!!

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers,
"Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her Contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
You put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell Forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[oldE]

For students of the Great Outdoors:

Have you ever noticed when a flight of Canada Geese goes overhead in theiir "V" formation, there is always one leg of the "V" shorter than the other?

Did you ever wonder why?






















It's because there aren't as many geese on that side.




Les

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Have a Merry Christmas everyone
Cheers
JB

[patz]

Marine Corps Facts


•A Marine and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
•Most Marines have a grizzly bear carpet in their room. The bear isn't dead; it's just afraid to move.
•The Marines have already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
•Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Marine Corps stories.
•A Marine can cut through a hot knife with butter.
•Death once had a near-Marine experience.
•The Marines are the reason why Waldo is hiding.
•A Marine can slam a revolving door.
•When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for US Marines.
•A Marine once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
•A Marine once got bit by a rattle snake... After three days of pain and agony... the rattle snake died.
•When a Marine does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
•When a Marine throws you into a bottomless pit, you hit the bottom.
•A Marine does not sleep. He waits.
•A Marine once made a Happy Meal cry.
•You never slap a Marine.
•A Marine called 911 to order Chinese food and got it...
•Guns are warned not to play with the Marines.
•A Marine can give aspirin a headache.


Couuld also double as Chuck Norris jokes.

[GH85Carrera]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in..

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken"

[Hawkeye's-911T]

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the
best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2.Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot
friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine
was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken,
Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab
whatever is available.

AND ………

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study
found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who
mention it.

Cheers
JB

[charlesbahn]

THE AFFORDABLE POOL ACT FOR RETIREES AND VETERANS.




IT IS PROVIDED BY MEDICARE UNDER: "PHYSICAL THERAPY FOR RETIREES".

Fart and you've got a Jacuzzi !

[onlycafe]

put the cover on and it's a sensory deprivation tank.

[Iciclehead]

Originally Posted by onlycafe

put the cover on and it's a sensory deprivation tank.

With enough water, it is an integrated euthanasia and body disposal unit.

Just need chains to hold the lid down for a few minutes.

Dennis

[GH85Carrera]

The financial adviser says, "I have some good news and some bad news."


The CEO replies, "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."


The financial advisor says, "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of $2,000,000."


The CEO replies enthusiastically, "Well done, very good news indeed! You've made my day. Now what's the bad news?"


The financial adviser answers, "The pictures are of you, in bed, with your secretary and she's given them to her divorce attorney."

[JJ 911SC]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

The financial adviser says, "I have some good news and some bad news."


The CEO replies, "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."


The financial advisor says, "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of $2,000,000."


The CEO replies enthusiastically, "Well done, very good news indeed! You've made my day. Now what's the bad news?"


The financial adviser answers, "The pictures are of you, in bed, with your secretary and she's given them to her divorce attorney."

Funny, it was on one of the local radio station yesterday morning.

[bowenx]

I can't believe I read all 90 pages.
Many repeats which is pretty funny.
ok - here are my 2 quick ones...

Q) Why do gorillas have large nostrils?
A) They have large fingers.

Q) Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A) It was dead.

bah dum bash....I'll be here all week.

[GH85Carrera]

Wow, did ya hang out with a kid in the first grade to hear those?

Welcome to the silliness. We will take all jokes good and bad within the limits Wayne has for naughty jokes or racial jokes.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Musings of the 'retired' mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call "blue teeth", I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I now have that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then drop something on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Cheers
JB