How about a joke thread?

[imcarthur]

[widebody911]

During an etiquette class, a teacher is trying to teach her students good manners to follow while on a dinner date. "Michael," she asks one of the students, "if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute," replies Michael, "I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite!" exclaimed the teacher. "What about you, John, how would you say it?"

"I'm sorry," answered John, "but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better," said the teacher, nodding, "but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" she asked.

Peter smiled and responded, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'"

[Teutonics]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings"

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate.

[Craig 930 RS]

Give us a clue to the *****s !

[Dottore]

The late shift has just finished at the Bagel factory.

Benjamin and Samuel have left from the back entrance and are crossing the dark parking lot when they spot a gang of thugs lurking in the shadows.

"Oy, Samuel" exclaims Benjamin "I think we are going to be mugged!"

"I think you are right" replies Samuel..."here's the 100 bucks I owe you."

[djmcmath]

Originally posted by Craig911
Give us a clue to the *****s !

The full word is "barbituate," I think. But I'm drunk myself, right now.

[Teutonics]

Yes, barbituate. Sorry, didn't check the posting to notice it got bleeped.

[imcarthur]

Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain...

PRANCES WITH WOLVES
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
PAINT YOUR WANGON
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE WILD BRUNCH
HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
THE HOARSE SOLDIERS
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX'S ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FABULOUS
SILVER-ROD-OWWW

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and soon the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the president of the chemical company rushed to the fire chief and explained that all of the company's secret formulas were in a safe in the center of the plant.

He said he would pay a bonus of $50,000 if they could recover the safe.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off, and soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became increasingly desperate.

As additional firefighters arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could recover the company's safe.

Then, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural Volunteer Fire Company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down firetruck, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer and sleek firetrucks parked outside the burning plant - - - and to everyone's shock it drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

All the other firefighters watched in awe as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off their truck and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norwegian old-timers had exited the fire and the company's safe was found intact.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly Norwegian fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on camera and asked the Norwegian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

[EdT82SC]

VICE PRESIDENT Dick Cheney accidentally shot documentary filmmaker Michael Moore yesterday as Moore was walking out of a Manhattan Denny's.

A spokesperson for the vice president said that it was a "complete accident" and that Cheney felt "horrible." The White House released a statement saying that the shooting was "just bad timing. Vice President Cheney, who is well-versed in firearms safety, was merely sitting in a shrub, wearing camouflage, outside of a Denny's frequented by Mr. Moore." The statement went on to say that Cheney had been in the shrub for "several days." Moore is said to have suffered only minor injuries and was released from the hospital.

IN ANOTHER BIZARRE accident, Cheney mistakenly shot every Democratic member of the Senate Judiciary Committee. A White House spokesman said that the vice president feels "bad, but not that bad." An aide to Cheney said that the vice president "happened to be in the committee chambers, under a chair, when he stood up to put on a pair of chaps, accidentally shooting the committee members, stopping to reload three times." Remarkably, the committee members were largely unhurt and are expected to make complete recoveries.

THE WHITE HOUSE was put on the defensive again today when Air Force Two was forced to make an emergency landing 25 miles west of New York City after a loss of cabin pressure because of the accidental shooting of former FEMA Director Michael D. Brown and Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. Both men have recently come under criticism for their handling of the federal response to Hurricane Katrina. Cheney was said to be "laughing, but also deeply concerned" when he was awoken from a nap after accidentally shooting the men at close range. Typically, shotguns are not allowed on either Air Force One or Two, but Cheney is, the statement said, "a seasoned hunter and also planned to accidentally shoot both men." Both Brown and Chertoff are expected to make complete recoveries, although it remains unclear as to why Brown was duct-taped to the wing of the plane.

A White House spokesman later added that the vice president had been on his way to New York City to accidentally shoot New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.

SEN. HILLARY Rodham Clinton miraculously escaped injury today after Cheney accidentally ran up to her motorcade and accidentally shot at her car. The White House said the vice president "tripped."

"These things happen," a White House spokesman said. "Guns, while completely safe, are also dangerous."

A member of the vice president's staff said Cheney apologized to the former first lady and potential presidential candidate in a handwritten note. "I'm sorry I almost shot you. But know that I will try again and will also be sorry then too. I like the sound a gun makes and the smell of the gunpowder. 'Flint' is a neat word."

[craigster59]

A woman is sitting at home when suddenly there is a knock at the door. It's her Husband's Supervisor looking grim faced. "Mrs. Smith, there's been a terrible accident at the Brewery. Your Husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned." Mrs. Smith is overcome with emotion and replies, "My God that's terrible, but at least I have comfort knowing that he died quickly and peacefully." I don't know about that" replies the Supervisor, "He got out 3 times to go to the bathroom."

[rcooled]

A man is driving along one day when he notices a sign on a house reading, "Talking Dog For Sale".

He pulls over and asks the fellow sitting on the porch about it and is told the dog is out in the back yard.

Hurrying around behind the house, he sees a big Yellow Lab relaxing in the shade of a tree. "So, you must be the talking dog…..what's your story?"

The dog stretches a bit and begins talking. "Yes, it's true….I discovered this gift as a pup and decided to offer my services to the Federal Government. I was assigned to an overseas embassy where I eavesdropped on conversations among foreign diplomats. They never suspected that a dog could understand what they were saying and I was able to expose a dangerous spy ring and prevent the assassination of a top American official. After returning to the U.S., I took a job with the National Security Agency, working at JFK airport. While roaming around the concourse one day, I overheard two men discussing a plot to hijack an airliner and was able to prevent a terrible disaster. I was recognized by the President for my services and was awarded a special Canine Medal of Honor. I left the Agency soon after, settled down with a "Best-in Show" bit_h, raised a bunch of pups and now I'm retired."

The man is astounded. He races back to the front of the house and asks the guy how much he wants for the dog.

"I'll sell him to you for 25 dollars" he replies.

"Only 25 dollars….how come so cheap?"

"Because he's such a damn liar…..he never did any of that s#!t!"

[kach22i]

Women on boats are like pianos.

When they're not upright, they're grand.

......................from a boat forum.

[Craig 930 RS]

A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat put us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, and so I outrank you.
Tray-up, b!tch."

[imcarthur]

A new element is discovered…

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium."

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an Atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Bushcronium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element which radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Plan to save bankrupt airlines…

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[Craig 930 RS]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my
Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the
garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

[oldE]

A drugstore clerk sees a man wandering the aisles apparently looking for something. Upon hearing his wife has sent him for tampons, she directs him to the appropriate section of the store.
A while later, she greets him at the cash to ring through his purchases. He has a large bag of cotton balls and a ball of string. She asks him if he wasn't able to find the tampons.
"Oh yeah." he replies. "But yesterday, I asked my wife to pick up a pack of cigarettes while she was shopping. She came back with papers and a can of tobacco, talking about how much cheaper it was to get your cigarettes this way. I thought I'd let her try the same thing."

Les

[Brian Cameron]

A farmer in a small town in Russia buys a cow from a herder who is driving his herd through the area. The herder informs him that the cow is originally from Minsk.

The farmer takes the cow home and puts her in the enclosure with his bull, and sits back to let nature take its course. In short order, the bull approaches the cow and begins to make amorous overtures, but each time the bull attempts to close the deal, the cow slips away, leaving the bull frustrated. This scene is repeated several times over the next few days.

The farmer, desperate to prevent his dream of raising his own herd from slipping away, consults the wisest man in the area, the town's rabbi. The rabbi sagely listens to the man's story, reflects thoughtfully for several minutes, and then asks,

"Is the cow by any chance from Minsk?"

Astonished, the farmer says "yes, but how did you know?"

The rabbi shakes his head ruefully and says "My wife is from Minsk".

[Brian Cameron]

An exuberant young bull and a tired old bull are standing around the field when they see a semi truck pull up a few hundred yards down the road and unload 20 nubile young cows.

The young bull starts jumping up and down and exclaims "hey, let's jump over the fence, run down the road and have our way with a couple of those cows!!"

The old bull looks patiently at the youngster and slowly replies, "no, son, let's lean on the fence until it falls down, walk slowly down the road, and have our way with ALL those cows."

[imcarthur]

Subject: Great Quotes from Great Women

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

[imcarthur]

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)